Fire Emblem: Path of Ridicule
by Slothe
Summary: Join Ike and the Greil Mercenaries as they...do stuff. Like save the world and get nailed in the head with various inanimate objects. No flames!
1. Mercenaries

A/N: Hey, it's Doritos the Amazing! I'm posting for Slothe, because he's lazy. YAOI FANS, READ MY FIC...

* * *

Mercenaries

It was a beautiful day in the magical forest. The birds were chirping out of tune, and the leaves off the trees shone a radiant green. But, below the branches of the forest, the rest of nature was disturbed by two rangers dueling with wooden swords. The shorter one, Ike, wore a blue tunic, a dirty red cape, and had blue hair with a green headband. Ike dodged a swing from his opponent, his father, then ran forward for two more strikes, then swung even harder for one last try, but then his father stabbed his sword towards Ike, and he flew backwards several meters. His father stood before Ike with identical an identical yellow tunic and yellow cape, but had brown hair and a thick, sturdy face; kind of like a tree.

"Well, Ike," he asked, "you've had enough?"

Ike sat up, and nodded yes, then swung at his father even harder than before.He almost laid a blow directly across his father's head, but his father easily blocked it with a horizontal guard. Then… suddenly, a shrieky voice sounded that stopped all the animals in the forest.

"Yoo HOO!"

A girl in a yellow dress and the same color hair as the father came running down the nearby hill into the forest, giggling along the way, but tripped over a rock and tumbled down for a couple of seconds, then landed on her head.

"Ah, Mist…"remarked the father, as he put down his weapon.

Then, Ike lifted his sword high above his head, gave out a loud, gibberish war cry, then charged at his father, who stepped out of the way and smacked Ike the back. The force caused Ike to fly a several feet and land flat on his face, but worse of all, he let go of his sword, which rolled out his sight.

"Ike?" Mist said in shock, "Oh NO!!" and she ran over to him.

Although Ike wasn't unconscious, he knew he would have to listen to one of his sister's lessons if he were awake, so he tried to close his eyes real tight, but ended up falling asleep.

_In his dream, he was in a bed in a really small room. Crouched beside the bed was a woman with purple hair, who smiled while patting his leg._

After his eight second dream, Ike awoke somehow outside of the forest and in a field of flowers next to a sparkly lake. Mist was humming horribly off-key to a song he knew too well, so he got up and walked towards her.

"Mist!" he shouted

"Hiya, Ike," she said, still humming the tune, "you're-"

"Mist, stop singing before I start throwing rancid fish at your head!"

Mist stopped, but gave some sort of ham face at him, but then their father came running towards the two.

"Ah, so the sleeping prince finally awakens."

"I wasn't asleep, Father; Ike was!" said Mist

"Oh…yeah. Anyways, after that little battle we had, I think we should go another round, since you're barely getting the hang of it, and I like to win, too!."

"But Father," shouted Mist, "you shouldn't be fighting with Ike with those awfully heavy sticks; they're like, 3 lbs.!"

"Never fear, Mist," proclaimed Ike, standing up high with his hands on his hips, "All I need is one more round, and I know I can at least hit Father ONCE this time. Then I'll be a true mercenary."

"Fine," agreed his father, "but hold on a second, I need to do…something."

As Father ran off into the woods, an axe-wielding fighter with green hair was walking by carrying several crates. He wore a red brigand with an X going across the front, and wore baggy green pants.

"BOYD!" shouted Mist with a high-tone squeal, "OVER HERE! BOYD, BOYD!"

Boyd shrieked and put his boxes down, grabbed a shrub to hide them behind, then walked towards Ike and Mist.

"Damn it, Mist, why did you call him?" shouted Ike angrily.

"Everybody hates him, and I know how much YOU hate him!"

"Tru dat."

"Yeah."

"Hi, Ike... and Mist." Boyd looked around then asked, "Where's the commander?"

Just then the commander walked out of the woods with a bunch of sticks.

"Boyd, what are you doing here? What about the 'deliveries'?"

"I'll get back to that in a minute, Commander!"

"That's 'Father' to you!"

"But you're not-"

"Enough!" Father shouted, "Boyd, for your lack of delivering… deliveries, your punishment will be to be Ike's training partner. I think he should fight against someone closer to his skills first."

"I don't know about this closer to his skills thing, since I AM a professional fighter, but we'll see how much more brain damage Ike can take."

"… I'll take THAT as a compliment!" stated Ike

So Ike and Boyd each grabbed a stick, and randomly there was a stick shaped exactly like an axe in the pile, which Boyd grabbed. They both started a small pace away from each other, while Father waved a flag, and Mist stood in the back taunting Boyd.

"You can do it, Ike," she shouted, "Boyd sucks!"

"Shut your mouth!" Boyd said, thinking he did a damn good job

Ike ran forward and smacked Boyd in the face, and random sparks appeared where Boyd was hit. Then Boyd countered back across Ike's chest, with even MORE sparks.

"Boyd, you're a loser! Even I could do better than you!"

"Shut up, Mist!"

"You can't do anything right, you're a failure, you…" she thought for a second, "You were an accident."

Just then, within a span of three seconds, Boyd started shouting some sort of war cry, he grabbed a container full of gasoline and poured it on his axe, lit it on fire, and threw it directly at Mist's head. But while he couldn't defend himself, he was struck again by Ike.

"Owie!" he cried, "those sparks REALLY hurt!"

As Boyd fled to the side of the field arena, Mist was unconscious from the flaming axe that hit her, and Father came into the arena. He already grabbed a stick from the pile and tossed Ike three yellow bags.

"Take those, Ike. Those are vulneraries, which heal your wounds in battle; I'll give you a second to use some."

And so, while Father was sharpening his wooden sword, Ike attempted to open one of vulneraries, but spilt it on the grass in front of him, which then burned.

"Damn it!"

"Here I come, Ike!"

Father walked forwards and smacked Ike straight across the chest, which made Ike weak, but he couldn't give up; his pointless future was a stake. So he lifted his sword and swung with all his might, but the stick broke and exploded into a bunch of pieces. So Ike made a run for it, took out a vulnerary, but missed AGAIN, but the wind blew the corrosive dust right into Father's eyes.

"GAAAAAAAAAH, MY EYES!"

Father dropped the sword, and Ike saw his chance to strike. He grabbed the stick and swung with even MORE might than was all his might, and Father went down.

"That was some fighting you two did," Mist remarked, with a gaping axe wound still in her skull.

"Haha," laughed Ike, "that was nothing! Father was clearly holding back!"

"What? Father, is that true? I had 50 gold Ike would lose; and 200 Ike would literally get his ass handed to him!"

"The boy is right, Mist. But if he can tell, he is clearly improving."

"Yeah, but how hard is it to hold back your strength, can't be THAT hard!"

So Ike grabbed a piece of wood from the pile and attempted to lightly tap Mist on the head, but caused sparks to fly, and she fell on the ground, squirming with pain.

"How interesting," Ike said. "But anyways, Father, I beat you, so I'm a mercenary now."

"Well, you did kind of cheat with those vulneraries."

"Well don't worry Ike," started Boyd, who walked into the family conversation, "the thing to remember between us two is that I am a professional!"

"A professional who just got beat!" shouted Mist from the floor

"That was random chance, RANDOM CHANCE!"

"You mean you dumping your weapon in flammable material, igniting it, and tossing it straight for her head; is random? Hmm, all right Ike, I suppose you beating the idiot Boyd counts as something. So I think that things can work out between what happened today. From this point onward, you are now an official Griel Mercenary."

"Are you like serious?" asked Ike

"Yes. But, you'll have to catch up to everyone else, you'll get paid minimum wage, and have to empty the outhouse everyday for a week."

"All right! I can do that!" was Ike's response, while thinking to himself he got off easy.

"Wow," said Boyd, "what a day this has been, and who know what else the future will hold with our band of mercenaries."

Just then, a bird crapped on top of Boyd's head, but he didn't notice.

"Yep, I just know something big things are going to happen."

* * *

A/N: It's Doritos again! Review for my best friend/big brother, okay? Love ya!

P.S. Slothe is gonna KILL me for messing with his fic...because I don't think I was supposed to add author's notes!


	2. First Real Battle

A/N: This is actually me now, not Flaming Doritos. I've been sorta busy with stuff, and forgot to post this weekend, but I did it now!

* * *

First REAL Battle

The very next day, Ike awoke refreshed on his bed. He stretched for a couple seconds, then left the room; not even bothering to change from the one pair of clothes that he had. As he wandered outside, he saw Mist chasing Rolf; Boyd's younger brother, down the hall. They were both wearing pots on their heads, and Rolf ran smack into the side of a door, but quickly got up and ran through it after Mist.

"Aah, to be young again…" thought Ike to himself

"IKE!!" shouted Father from the other end of the hall, "you're supposed to be up by dawn, no later!"

"It's not a big deal; it's only a couple hours after."

"IT'S 2:30 IN THE AFTERNOON!!!"

"Okay, I'll get up on time next time."

Father muttered, "Very well, I'll let you off easy this ONE time. But now, Ike, I want you to wait outside until I'm out. I need to…talk with Titania here."

The red-haired paladin waved to Ike, and then he left the hall. As he stood outside the front door, Boyd and his older brother Oscar walked towards him.

Oscar was a lance knight, with green hair, green armor, and squinty eyes. Despite the fact that he was always riding his horse, because his horse was possessed by a demon and taking over his mind with homicidal thoughts, he was a REALLY nice guy.

"Hiya, Ike," he greeted. "You ready for your first REAL battle?"

'**_Kill him now!'_** shouted the horse in Oscar's mind,**_ 'while the others have their backs turned!"_**

"_**NO! We'll never get away!'**_

"Yeah," said Ike, "but I'll soon be just as good as everyone else, you'll see!"

Just then, Titania came out of the building riding her white stallion.

"Hello, Ike," she greeted, strapping the last of her silver armor on, "we've been assigned a mission in a small town called Caldea. We've been asked to drive off some bandits, and we should be able to teach you a couple things about being a mercenary!"

"Just stay with me, Ike," said Boyd, "I need to be a perfect model of perfection so you can learn from ME!"

"Shut up, Boyd" said Titania.

And so the four were off.

Caldea was a small town with five buildings, and stood atop a high cliff overlooking the western sea. Ike and the company arrived just outside the gate to find a half a dozen bandits just hanging around.

"All right, Ike," said Titania, pulling out a screen from her pack, "THIS thing is a map!"

"I-I think I know what a map is, Titania."

"Okay; you never know. Now, using computer technology we can see exactly where we are on this map, and where our enemies are."

"…I'm not following…"

"We're the blue dots, and the red dots are-"

"NO, what the thing on the…what's the computer thing called agai-"

"A MAP!"

"Right, so what is this a MAP of-"

"Caldea!"

"…"

"Where we are!"

"…I'm still not foll-"

"YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST FORGET IT! Just KILL everyone over there!" Titania shouted pointing at the town.

After the discussion, the four equipped their weapons; Ike a slim, iron sword, Boyd had an iron axe, Oscar wielded a skinny iron lance, but Titania swung a heavy STEEL axe. Once set, they all charged, ready to kill something.

Ike and Oscar took the main route through the center of town, and were met by three enemies. Oscar charged at a tiny myrmidon, who fell backwards after being stabbed. Ike attacked a nearby bandit, but got countered by their axe. Boyd ran around the side building, hoping to ambush the enemies from behind, but a fighter looking almost completely identical to him ran into him, as if he were planning the same thing. They both looked at each other with eagerness to attack, but then the both dropped their weapons, hugged each other and started sobbing, both thinking the other was their long lost brother. Titania saw a building and decide to ransack it hoping to find something useful, also because she didn't want to waste her awesome talent in the fight; so the battle was just focused on Ike and Oscar.

Ike quickly killed the axe-wielding bandit with one last blow, but got attacked by a second fighter. Oscar came to the scene spinning his lance in front of him, and stabbed his weapon straight through the enemies chest. While Ike quickly healed himself, he stabbed his sword through the fallen myrmidon to ensure his death.

Another sword fighter and bandit came running around the corner of a close by building, but Ike and Oscar were waiting and ambushed the two with a one-hit kill; both across the head. All that remained was a third fighter and the leader of the band. Just then, Boyd came into the battle, and completely owned the last bandit with a swing to the legs, then across the chest. What happened to the guy with him?... No one knows…

The leader stood at the front door of the city hall, holding his axe up high. Oscar came to strike, but was countered and nearly knocked off his horse, but kept intact because of his permanent connection to the horse. Now, it was Ike's time to shine, as he ran forwards to defend Oscar.

"Look at 'ou," he said, while combing his light blue hair with his axe, "ou're just a kid. 'ou think 'ou can really beat me?"

"Uh…" He stuttered, while thinking of a good combat, "I'm not a kid, YOU'RE a kid."

CLEARLY the guy was older.

"Hehe, 'ook at that; 'ou sassing me. Don't that beat 'oll!"

Before the pointless conversation could go on, Ike lunged forwards and struck at the legs, but he left himself open and got pushed back. Attempting to counter, Ike threw his sword at the bandit, but missed and, instead, hit a hanging lantern. The lantern fell to the ground and the flames hit a nearby barrel of gunpowder, and the building exploded.

"And that's the end of that story!" said Ike, while the man ran through the town completely ablaze, then fell off the cliff into the ocean. Ike looked over the edge, and saw the man missed the ocean and fell on a sharp rock.

Oscar and Boyd ran to Ike's side to look over, and then Titania came along with a pack full of stolen goods, but no one would really care cause they were more concerned about their dead families and burning homes.

"Well," started Titania, "We cleared the town of the surrounding bandits…in an unusual way…"

"Yeah!" said Boyd, "you did pretty well for your first REAL battle. Not as flashy as MY first REAL battle!"

"Yeah, you got so keyed off you broke your axe head" interrupted Oscar.

"Damn it, Oscar…I wanted to tell Ike."

"Anyways," said Ike, "now let's get out of this burning town before we ALL suffocate from the fumes!"

They all laughed to the retarded joke, and left the quickly spreading burning town. While leaving, Oscar passed out by the fumes, but no one noticed because his evil horse just took him back to the base with the others.

'**_Soon, they'll all die…'_** it said to itself, **_'…soon…'_**

****

* * *

A/N: And that's the second chapter, well technically it's the first in the game, but the...third chapter should also be ready within...two days, probably. so yeah... and review, too!  



	3. Kidnapped

11

Kidnapped

The next morning at the Mercenary Fort, a priest wearing a white robe walked out the front gate towards the stable. Titania was feeding her horse, when she noticed the healer coming her way.

"Good morning, Rhys," she greeted, "It's good to see you up and about. Are you feeling any better than before?"

Rhys lifted over his hood to reveal his orange hair.

"I'm doing a lot better, Titania. It's strange, though, how I always get sick after Oscar cooks dinner…"

"Well, it is PRE-tty gay for a man to be cooking."

"Very true."

"But anyways, Rhys, I don't think you should be doing any work for a while still; you don't look to be at your best."

"Well, you wouldn't feel very good if you spent a week in bed, mi amigo."

"…Did you just call-"

"NOT to mention the fact that I am just going through puberty NOW, and I'm, what, nineteen? I don't even know my own age, and now I'm suddenly scared of women EVERYWHERE!"

Titania just stared at Rhys

"You'll protect me from women everywhere, won't you, Titania. You're, like, the strongest man ever!"

"About the, Rhys, I need to tell you-"

"Oh! I forgot to tell you that I went to check the mail and there are two letters for you!"

Titania shrieked as she grabbed them from Rhys' hand. She opened the first one, but it randomly exploded in her face.

"…Damn Boyd and his letter bombs…" she muttered to herself.

As she wiped all the soot off her face, she opened the second letter and read it silently. Rhys saw at least four different facial expressions, but the last one was shock.

"Rhys," she shouted, "I…I need to go into town for a bit. Give this letter to Oscar and tell him and the others to wait for me until I get back."

"But Titania-"

She saddled her horse and raced down the road to the nearby town. As Rhys stood there, waiting for the dust to settle, he picked up the letter from the ground.

"I wonder what the letter could've said…"

(+) 

Inside the fort, Boyd and Oscar were drawing on Ike's face while he was asleep with permanent marker, or whatever they had back then. They used the basics: mustaches, goatees, sideburns, facial piercings, even more unusual ones like devil horns and tail on the bed, boots, and some well done chest hair. While Boyd finished creating a black eye, Rhys busted through the door.

"Rhys!" shouted Oscar, "you're still alive?!? I-I mean its good you're well-"

"Guys, you have to read this letter!"

He opened it up so the two could read it with relative ease.

"Crazy Dan's Horse feed is having a 90 off sale!!!"

They all gasped at the exciting news. But then Rhys read the back of the letter.

"Oh yeah, and in others news, Mist and Rolf were kidnapped."

"DAMN IT, RHYS" shouted Boyd, "I TOLD YOU WE HAVE A POLICY ON SPOILERS!"

"Shut up, Boyd" said Rhys

"Why should we have to rescue them?" asked Oscar, "I mean, it's a lot quieter without all the noise from their pots hitting the stone walls…"

'**_Two are gone! Just two more!"_**

'_**No more, I mustn't kill!'**_

'_**You already killed parents; now you're halfway to repaying your debt now!'**_

'_**NOOOO! It's too much!'**_

At that moment, Ike awoke from his deep nap, unaware of his surroundings; mainly the drawings on his face.

"What're you all doing in my room?" he asked, while rubbing his eyes.

"It's my room, too-"

"Shut up, Boyd."

"Mist and Rolf were kidnapped!" shouted Oscar

'_**Damn you, SLAVE!'**_

While the horse was trying to control Oscar's body to attack himself, Ike quickly got up from his bed, grabbed an amazing steel sword from the wall, and was ready to be a hero once again!

"To the bandit stronghold!" he cried, quickly grabbing his sword from the wall, and then leaping out the one-story window.

"Wait for me, Ike!" shouted Boyd, who also leaped out the window

Rhys followed Ike, too, but that was because of peer pressure. Oscar, however, decided he would not jump through the window, but be normal and take the front door, but he couldn't open it because he was pushing instead of pulling, and ended up busting it through in the end.

While Ike, Boyd and Rhys ran down the hill from the fort, they came upon a four-way intersection.

"So…" started Boyd, "which way do we go?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know that?" asked Ike.

"You don't even know where we're going? You better think before you act, stupid!"

"Guys!" said Rhys, "shouldn't we wait for Titania? We could really use her awesome fighting moves to kill those bandits right about now?"

Unfortunately, neither heard him, but just then Oscar came down the road.

"If you must know," he started, "the bandit stronghold is down the left road!"

"Awesome…wait a minute," said Ike, "how did you know we were talking about THAT, and how do you know where it is anyways?"

"I…uh…uh…I'm physic…"

"That's good enough for me! Let's go!"

And thus the four departed down a slope into a valley, while following a nearby river.

(+) 

A man with a brown, flat-cut hair-do was watching the pathway through the valley from a small cliff. Behind him were over a dozen allies, with their axes and swords already sharpened for the upcoming battle. Behind them all was a small storage room, where the two children were being held captive, and were guarded by three bandits. The main bandit looked out in the distance and saw four mercenaries approaching, and called for everyone to take their positions.

"You the guy's that blew up the town, Caldea?" he asked

"Who are you?" asked Ike

"Name's Ikanau. We were hired by the people of Ikanau as an act of revenge because their peaceful town blew up. Now, where's the red-tressed knight?"

"He's not here!" shouted Rhys

"In that case, you won't be getting those brats back until she arrives, or until you're all dead!"

Just then, all the other bandits came out from hiding in the bushes and were ready to kill all the mercenaries.

Ike pulled out his amazing steel sword, Oscar and Boyd wielded their weapons from the previous battle, and Rhys held a slim healing staff with a red jewel at the tip. As the battle commenced, Ike noticed three bandits readying to ambush from the left side of the valley, so he charged at them, followed by Oscar, and Rhys ready to heal. But because of that, Boyd was left all alone to deal with the main group.

The small skirmish went well; Oscar charged through the field and stabbed through one of the fighters, Ike leaped in the air and cut a man in half vertically, Rhys cheered the two on like a cheerleader, but then ran away screaming, but because of his changing voice, he sounded like a little girl.

Boyd took on three fighters all at once. He charged at one in the air and smacked the man across the face, sliced straight through the second one, and while the third one attempted to strike from behind, Boyd leaped in the air, performed a 360° in the air, and twisted the guy's neck with his feet. Although he had no idea how he did that, he couldn't wait to brag about it to the others, unfortunately, nobody would believe him…because he's Boyd.

Inside the storage room, Mist and Rolf were sitting against the wall staring at the door. Rolf had a blue brigand similar to Boyd's and had light green hair. He was only around ten years old, while Mist was more around fourteen. Rolf was sitting in a feeble position, shaking.

"Rolf, are you okay?"

"Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh…" he said

"There's no need to be afraid; our brothers are going to come and rescue us! You'll see! And we'll all be happy again, and we'lll get married, and-"

"Sugar! Sugar!"

"You just had sugar fifteen minutes ago!"

"I NEED MORE SUGA-SUGAR!"

"…"

"HOW CAN YOU GET THROUGH IT, MIST? DOESN'T THINKING ABOUT THE SWEEEET SWEEEET TASTE AND THE SWEEEEET SWEEEET SMELL, AND THE SWEEET SWEEEET LOOK-"

"GAAAAAAAH!!" Mist cried, "I NEED SUGAR NOW, TOO!"

Rolf began squealing like a girl and ripped off his shirt, and two began destroying the room, looking for sugar. While the two were knocking jars from the shelves, a bag full of a white substance fell from the top shelf and spilt on the floor.

"Sugar?" asked Mist

"SUGAR!" shouted Rolf

It was actually cocaine, but the need for sugar was enough for the two to consume anything that looked like it…and so things began to get…unpleasant… But then a guard came in to check on things cause of the noises, and he grotesquely got mauled by the two hyper-active children, but we'll get back to him in a while…

While the four mercenaries were making their way to the storage room, Titania rode through the valley, with an angry look, BUT the discount from Crazy Dan's Horse Feed lightened her mood a little.

"I should've known they wouldn't listen…" she muttered to herself, "they have absolutely no discipline. They're just wild animals!"

While the four continued their journey, they were blocked by three more bandits. Ike charged at the large bandit, but got crushed from the counter, Oscar fought back in his place and by thrusting his lance at both legs, and Boyd attempted his martial arts skills again against a myrmidon, but missed and got struck down. Rhys ran into the battle and chose to heal Ike over Boyd, so Ike and Oscar attacked the third fighter together, and Boyd recovered himself with his amazing skill, but nobody saw him to witness it, as they were all focused on the other enemy.

Now, all that was left was Ikanau, because the final bandit went to check on the other one in the storage room, and Rhys observed him trying to pull himself out the door and was being pulled by something by his legs, but then he lost his grip and the door closed………

But then Titania finally caught up, and rode towards Ike.

"Titania!" he shouted, "I'm sorry for disobeying orders, but technically it's not my fault because…Boyd-"

"We'll talk about it later," she responded, and was caught off guard by his face, "let's just rescue Mist and Rolf."

"THAT'S who were rescuing? DAMN IT, I thought we were rescuing Ike!"

And so while the five came upon the storage room, Ike still mad at himself, Ikanau was walking out with the Mist and Rolf, who were both covered with white powder.

"ROLF!" shouted Oscar, "WE'RE HERE TO RESCUE YOU, BUDDY!"

"HI OSCAR!" Rolf shouted back, but he sounded happy

"I'm here, too, Rolf!" said Boyd

"BOYD'S HERE? AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"

"Be quiet, Rol-"

"Shut up, Boyd!" said Oscar

"We just want the kids back; unharmed" said Titania

"If you want them back, then you better drop your weapons, or I'll begin to gut theses kids like pigs!"

"COOL!" said Ike

"Ike, we're here to save them, so PUT YOUR SWORD DOWN!"

"OH…fine…" he said, throwing his sword on the ground

Boyd and Oscar did the same, along with Titania and her many items, and Rhys did the same with his staff because of the peer pressure, but was uneasy saving the two girls, or so he thought.

"Hehe, that's good. Now all you can do is watch while I start with the girl!"

He grabbed Rolf and pinned him against the wall, readied his axe…but then, he fell on the ground. Everyone ran to the body, curious how he died.

"There's an arrow in his forehead…" said Ike, "who shot it?"

"…A single arrow between the eyes! Who could've made that shot? NO ONE, that's who…wait I screwed up!"

"That voice!" shouted Ike.

Just then, an archer with a red ponytail and a green tunic ran through the nearby patch of trees behind the storage room. Rhys made a run for his life, thinking it was a woman. Followed behind the archer was a knight encased entirely in blue armor.

"Shinon! Gatrie!" shouted Ike

"I saw the bandits running through town with the kids doing their shopping, so I got these two to follow me, cause I knew we'd need reinforcements!" explained Titania.

"I got to kill someone!" stated Shinon, the archer, "so it was TOTALLY worth the rush!"

Gatrie took off his helmet to reveal his blonde, gelled hair.

"Commander Titania and Shinon! You're both, like, so cruel! I didn't get to show anyone my amazing skills, or and my triceps and rock-hard abs are hidden through this armor, and like, I'm starting to sweat!"

"Well…" said Titania, "…sorry?"

"Yay! I feel, like, a million gold better. I'm off to go bathe in the public pool, you people can join me if you want!"

"I wanna go!" shouted Rolf

So once everything was settled, and Rolf was explained why he does NOT do things with Gatrie, everyone began to depart back to the mercenary fort, Ike and Mist began to have a descent conversation like rather normal people.

"So," started Ike, "Did you get scared?

"No, I knew you'd come. After me and Rolf ate the sugar, I began to have my doubts, but then I saw you, and I knew you'd come."

"Really? That's different from your constant sobbing and nose-running."

"You idiot! Noses don't run!"

"How do YOU know, we can't see them; for all we know they leap off our faces and nobody tells me!"

"Yeah… but I'd tell you if your nose jumped off your face."

"Yeah, same here."

"Let's go home, Ike."

"Yeah."


	4. Thunder and Lightning

** I've finally posted again. I've been really busy for awhile with school and stuff, and i finally beat hard mode on fire emblem, cause i was having a real hard time beating the black knight, cause he actually MOVES! and so i've witnessed ashnard go berserk, but anyways, i'm going to try and at least get to chapter 6...or 7, by the end of the week to make up for lost time, so... read!**

* * *

Thunder and Lightning

"Titania told me what happened this morning," started the commander, walking in circles in front of Ike and the others, "about my own men disobeying orders!"

Ike, Boyd, Oscar and Rhys were each sitting in chairs in the middle of the briefing room… well technically Oscar's horse was sitting in the chair. Mist was also there, beside her father.

"But Father!" she cried, "they only did so they could rescue me and Rolf, cause we were in danger!"

"Soldiers will never learn anything if they do whatever they want; they must follow rules no matter how crucial to survival, or completely pointless!"

"IT'S ALL MY FAULT, COMMANDER!" shouted Boyd, dropping to his knees on the floor, and crawling to the commander's feet. "I should've been a better role model for Ike and…wait, what am I doing?!?"

"No, it's my fault!" cried Rhys, "I didn't give proper order from Titania, and I let him down…"

"No, Commander!" shouted Oscar, really fast, "it's all my fault and we don't have any discipline and my horse is the devil and-"

'_**Traitor!'**_

Just then, Oscar's horse was trying to control Oscar's body into attacking himself, but the horse lost it's balance and fell backwards, and ended up falling through the flooring a story down.

"…whoooa" they all heard from Shinon below

"…anyways," continued the commander, "since you still disobeyed orders, I'm punishing you two to your quarters for ten days!"

"That's not fair, Father!" said Ike

"Totally uncalled for!" said Rhys

"I HATE YOU!" shouted Boyd, but as he was leaving, Titania burst through the door with urgent news, slamming the door on Boyd against the wall.

"We got two reports a bandit attacks!"

"Hmm…" said the father, "since we're short-handed with everyone injured, I suppose I'll have to postpone your punishments until everything settles down."

"Yay!" shouted Ike, "I'm not getting punished!"

"…You are, just not right now."

"You'll have to catch me first!"

So Ike made a run for it, laughing on the way, but within the first second, the commander ran at Rhys, tackled him, and started punching at his face. Titania ran up and pulled the commander off.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, FATHER!" shouted Mist

"Oh…" he started, "I meant to go for Ike. Sorry, Rhys."

Rhys just laid there unconscious

"But why did you want to hit me anyways?" asked Ike; shaking in fear against the wall

"Oh……" the commander said awkwardly, and looking at his son, "……sorry…just an old habit…"

"If you say so!" said Ike, and got up and left like nothing happened.

So once everything settled down with the commander's random rage, the remaining mercenaries split into two groups: Ike, Titania, Shinon and Gatrie as one and the commander as another cause he's that good. The first group arrived at their destination: Port Talma; a small town along the northern sea...and it had a port, too. A giant ship was taking up the whole dock, and pirates were spread around just hanging out.

When they finally approached, they were greeted by an old asian man.

"Kill bandits, and I pay!" was all he said, and then he walked into the alley and magically disappeared, which only Ike noticed.

So as a group, they prepared their equipment; Ike still with his steel sword and Titania with her axe. Since Shinon was an archer, clearly he had bows, but just like every other weapon, his bow was made from metal, not wood; so basically he had an iron and steel bow. Gatrie had a steel lance…

"All right, Ikee boy," said Shinon, "since me and Gatrie are SOOO much better than you, I suggest you let us do our Thunder and Lightning maneuver.

"Huh…what's that!" he asked sounding stupid

"I'm glad you asked. I shoot arrows at them… like thunder, and Gatrie hits them… like lightning."

**(A/N: just so things are clear, I am VERY aware that thunder is the noise caused by lightning, not the other way around)**

"WOW, Shinon!" said Gatrie, "You're like so smart. I can never remember the routine like that!"

"All in a day's work…" was his response

So once the battle finally commenced, Shinon and Gatrie ran into the battle completely over-confident in themselves, but they were good so it didn't really matter. Gatrie charged at a tiny myrmidon against the wall of a house, and Shinon leapt on top of Gatrie, pulled out his two bows as they began to fire arrows automatically, just like a pair of SMG's. The pirates ran for their lives, but they could not survive Shinon's deadly wrath of arrows.

"Wow…" thought Ike, "they're real good…"

Ike saw some prey of his own, but the man was much larger than any bandit he's ever faced, and the pirate was taking bites of a house and spitting out gold, just to prove how tough he was.

"Maybe I should try out ransacking homes, what do you think, Titania?"

"I suppose so; it could always be good to have an apprentice."

The two then went inside the only house of the port, leaving the battle to the other mercenaries.

"Now Ike, the there are two things to remember when robbing people: take anything you can find, and kill anyone you can find."

"What are you people doing here?" asked a man with an Indian accent. He had a white cape, brown clothes, and ridiculously stupid-looking blue hair.

"Now Ike, kill the dude!"

Ike quickly pulled out one of his deadly vulneraries and threw it at the man's eyes, then a blue potion from the table and ran off.

"That went pretty well," thought Ike, "as long as I never see him again, all should be well……"

Meanwhile, a knight in pink armor was riding a Pegasus across the ocean towards the boat. She flew towards the center of the ship, where the leader of the pirates stood. The man was hideously ugly; completely bald with an attempted cover of a headband, and scars all over his face.

"Jolly Roger, where be me brother?" asked the knight, in a absurd accent

"Why, young pup, he could not pay his debt, he couldn't, so me and me crew ate him."

"Crackers, me brother could not be dead, he couldn't."

"Yer brother only pay half 'de debt. How 'bout we eat you too?"

"By George, you'll never get past me lance. If 'yer axes be dull as 'yer brains, I'll be as swift as a spindle."

Back to the fight, Gatrie and Shinon managed to take on all the pirates except the few on the ship, as Ike and Titania approached. They all ran up the plank onto the boat, but were greeted by three pirates with small axes. They all threw them at Ike like boomerangs, but just like anyone else would do, he ran away screaming, and let the axes hit Shinon. But somehow, the spinning axes had no effect on him; not even a scratch. After the attack, he pulled three arrows, shot them all at once and each went through the throat of a different pirate. But then, all that was left was the butt-ugly leader.

"You there, lass" shouted the Pegasus knight at Ike, "I need 'yer help. There be too many pirates for me lance, there is."

"Uh...they're all dead except the leader…"

"Crackers, I mustst get out of this place. I shall return to repay me debt, thine brave warrior. Farewell."

She took off, but crashed into the mast, then fell in the ocean. Afterwards, the leader ran up to the mercenaries to finish the battle. He struck at Gatrie, and hit his foot, and Gatrie started hopping on the other and crying like a girl. Shinon was sadly out of arrows, and Titania…lost her axe. Ike pulled out his sword and struck horizontally, but the pirate used his axe to block and countered at Ike's shoulder. But then, the Pegasus knight flew back up making random paths.

"Flapping Jacks! Me horse is out of control!" she cried, while the Pegasus crashed through the mast again, which then fell on the pirate. Also, the girl didn't stay on the Pegasus and was still stuck to the mast.

Ike managed to dodge it, somehow, but the huge hole in the deck was sucking in ocean water and sinking the ship pretty fast. Titania was already on the dock, Shinon leapt across, but Gatrie fell in the ocean and sunk. While Ike was making his daring escape, the boat randomly caught on fire for no reason; making the escape even more intense. It then began to randomly combust in random areas of the ship. As Ike was almost at the edge, the ship was rapidly falling, so Ike made a huge leap, but managed to grab on with one hand. Shinon then walked forwards; his collar was visibly cover his mouth, and his hair covered the light in his eyes.

"Shinon!" shouted Ike, "SHINON!!"

**(A/N: in case you aren't catching on, this FFX when Zanarkand was destroyed)**

Another explosion occurred below Ike, and he was lifted higher to grab onto the edge.

"…You are sure?" Shinon asked, as Ike finally pulled himself up

"This is it…" he said again, while grabbing Ike by the collar. "This is your story. It all begins here..." then he was randomly sucked up into the sky.

Then Ike woke up from his video game related dream, realizing he has to stop stealing his father's **'sugar'**.

"That poorly done, you people too young. I no pay! You good enough for army." and he disappeared again.

"Why are you so angry, Titania?" asked Ike

"Yeah," agreed Gatrie, "I mean, all this mercenary work is a bit below us. We should recruit for the army!"

"You can't recruit in the army," she said

"Why not?"

"…it's for reasons that I can't tell you! But I you try to leave, I'll have to kill you in your sleep."

Titania was now taking deep breaths and twitching

"Damn," said Shinon, "what's wrong with doing something cool. I mean, the army is way cooler than being mercenaries!"

"Grrrrr…" said Titania, as she readied her axe to attack Shinon

"Whooooooa. I'm joking. J-O-K-N-G"

"Let's just forget it and go home. I'm sure Oscar has a nice hot meal waiting for us."

"…he almost died" said Ike

"Well…maybe the commander can make something, cause I'm not eating Mist's…stuff she calls 'food'!"

"The commander better like make something," said Gatrie, "cause I'm so hungry I could eat my beautiful body…no, I still couldn't…"

"Curses," said Shinon to himself, "why should I have to deal with these stupid people? There are WAAAAY better things out there."

"Titania," said Ike, "I don't know what pride is, exactly…but I'm pretty sure I have it."

"Oh, Ike…" she said, "its shame you aren't very smart…"

"Aww, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

So after the pointless conversation, they all finally left.

* * *

**That was kinda a bad chapter for me, I was working on it for awhile, but couldn't think of anything good cause Oscar, Boyd and Rhys weren't there; the best characters. But Rhys will come back, and SOREN FINALLY COMES! yay... **


	5. Nothing to Worry About

11

Nothing to Worry About

Later that day, in the late afternoon, everybody was minding their own business, doing what they usually do. Mist and Rolf were chasing each other with their pots while on a sugar rush, Gatrie was looking at himself in the mirror, Shinon was drinking, Rhys was standing in the closet because Mist told him to, the commander and Titania were sniffing they're **'sugar'**, and Ike was sleeping. Boyd and Oscar were still injured from the accident earlier that day; Boyd wouldn't shut up in his room, and Oscar's horse kept filling his mind with thoughts of killing him right there.

But while they were going through their daily routines, a mage in a pale green robe was running up the hill to the base. He had long black hair and was really short. When he arrived, Mist ran inside to look for Ike.

"IKE! IKE! GUESS WHAT?!"

"Mist, when it's this early in the day, you have to BE QUIET! Say it with me."

"Be quiet." they both said

"Now, what is it that you want to tell me?"

"Soren's back, and-"

"HE IS?!?! WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?!?!?"

Ike pushed her over and smashed through his door, looking for Soren. He began to destroy everything in sight, desperate enough to think that Soren was behind it, when the kitchen was completely destroyed, when the commander and Soren walked in to see him chewing on a plate.

"Ike, if you got time to be waste, then you've got time to work, now get you ass in the briefing room right NOW!" the commander turned around into the wall, then walked through the door crookedly.

"What's with him? Asked Ike, getting the last of the plastic plate out of his mouth

"Bad news," said Soren, "something big is happening and we need to come up with a plan fast."

"SOREN!"

"Hello, Ike. Long time no see."

"Guess what? I proved your theory wrong!"

"…what theory?"

"The one that says it is impossible to lick your elbow. I needed some help to dislocate my arm, and I lost 10 of my tongue when Boyd pulled on it too hard, but I did it! You now owe me 10,000,000 gold!"

"…do you have any proof your experiment occurred?"

"Well…Boyd's injured and can't back me up, so…"

"Then I don't have to pay you. Good try though."

"Oh……"

The two walked into the briefing room with everyone else, and took a seat waiting for the commander to speak.

"As you all know, Soren has been training with another mercenary group for some time now."

"HE WAS?" asked Ike, while everyone was staring at him. "Shinon told me he went to Candyland…"

"…anyways. He's back now, and he has some unbelievable news. Go ahead, Soren."

"It's Crimea and Daein; they've gone to war!"

"It can't be!" said Mist

"Don't worry, Mist," said Ike, "I'm sure that it is nothing to worry about."

Soren stood up from the bench they were all sitting at and pulled out a used scroll. He placed it on the table and rolled it up so everyone could see. It was a map of Tellius, the continent they were on. Tellius was surrounded in every direction except eastward by the ocean. In the northwest corner stood Crimea, the country they were a part of, and to the right; covering the northeast corner was Daein. In the middle of the Crimea stood Melior, the capital, and several miles west was a picture of their fort and all of them drawn with permanent marker. They were all stick figures, and it showed them all slaughtered by Soren, holding a katana; except Boyd, who was hung by his own intestines. Soren nervously chuckled and put his hand over the picture.

"Everything started a couple hours ago. I went to the Melior Library to do some research when I accidentally pulled out the wrong book; an instruction manual woodworking. However, when pulling the book out, a secret passageway opened up."

"Of course!" said the commander, "people who go to a library are too nerdy to read anything on woodworking, and NOBODY ever reads the manual!"

"Precisely! The perfect plan! I wandered down the passageway and found thousands upon thousands of government files, but when I opened the first one up, a loud shriek filled the air. Thinking I activated something inside, I ran outside the city, just to find a couple hundred battalions readying their weapons at me. They're armor black as night."

"The Daein Army?"

"Exactly."

"Wait a minute," asked Ike, "what was the point of that story of you going down the secret passageway?"

"Oh, that was just to add some drama. Anyways, King Ramon and his brother, Duke Renning, ordered the people of Melior to evacuate. Knowing my amazing skills, I decided to stay and pull off the attack. But they're force was too great, as I was ambushed by five wyvern riders."

Soren's voice as slowly getting louder over time

"My magical spells destroyed one in an instant, but I had to run from the other ten chasing me! As I ran by the innocent citizens to escape, they were completely massacred by the twenty wyvern riders chasing me! I HAD TO STRIKE BACK, SO I-"

"Soren," interrupted the commander, "is any of this even real?"

"……No. I just like to get attention. But the invasion did occur."

"But you don't know how the battle stands now, do you?"

"Not really."

"That's all right. Good job, Soren. It must've taken a lot of effort to get all the way here in mere hours."

"It…it was nothing" said Soren

"Surely Crimea is winning!" shouted Titania, "King Ramon is known across the land for his infinite wisdom and Duke Renning is know for his valor and almighty courage."

"But King Ashnard of Daein-" started Soren, who was interrupted by Ike laughing. "What's so funny, Ike?"

"Oh, I thought you said King Ass Lard!" he started laughing some more, and then fell off his chair.

"…King Ashnard of Daein is every bit Lord Renning's equal, and King Ramon's a faggot!"

"Perhaps Crimea could turn this battle into a test of endurance by running away and preparing an ambush, and then maybe they could-"

"Crimea is hardly prepared for this battle. Daein is has an advantage over military and resources. I think the outcome for this battle is painfully obvious."

"Curse you, Soren, and all your midget features and…pale skin."

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

"Enough!" shouted the commander, "since we are unaware of the outcome of this battle, I suggest that we go and scout ahead at the capital. After all, we may be the first one's this far west who even know about it yet. Now, Ike, I'm putting you in charge of leading this investigation; I need to go out for a bit."

"But commander," said Shinon, "he's an idiot and doesn't know what he's doing!"

"And you're SO much smarter than him, Shinon. You can go with him, too."

"I don't know if that was sarcasm or not, cause this is text, but since I am really smart, I'll assume it's not."

It was sarcasm, and Shinon is NOT smart, but for some reason everyone thinks he is, and that he's smarter than Soren.

"Let's see, I'll also send…Titania, Gatrie, and…Soren and Rhys. That should do it!"

So once the team was set, they all prepared their weapons, when Mist came out of the fort just before they could leave.

"Ike! Ike! Father told me to give you this sword!"

"It's so purdy!" he remarked

"I know! Isn't it nice to get a sword that wasn't handed down by somebody else?"

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm the only sword-wielder here! Although Father can, he uses that ridiculously large axe!"

"Well, when you go to the capital, don't forget to bring me a souvenir. I want a pony!"

"I'm not going on vacation, Mist!"

"Well," said Soren, "you ARE in charge, so if you want, we could call this a vacation!"

WOO HOO! We're going on vacation!"

They all cheered, and then danced down the hill for about three minutes, until Titania's horse took a shit on the road, then it just ruined the mood.

(+) 

After about an hour, the sun was close to setting. They were close enough to the capital city to see the castle, but they still had no idea what happened there. They all took a rest at the nearby lake, when Ike was thinking. He was thinking about why his Father put him in charge, but then came up with his first conclusion by himself: he was his father's son, and his father's the leader of the mercenary, so he MUST become the leader someday. Afterwards, Ike finally got up to stretch, and turned around to Rhys standing directly behind him.

"What are you doing there?" asked Ike

"…I was just watching you. Do I make you uncomfortable? Cause I can go watch behind that tree."

"Yes, Go!"

Rhys ran behind the tree, and stuck his head around the corner while Ike called everyone to meet up.

"This doesn't look good," started Gatrie, "there are dead soldiers EVERYWHERE!"

"But most of the soldiers are Daein soldiers!"

"YES!" shouted Titania, "I PROVED SOREN WRONG!"

"Quite the opposite, the Crimean soldier appear to be of the Imperial Guard, so someone related to the Royal Family was hunted down."

"Damnation!"

"…What the hell are you guys talking about?!?" shouted Ike, "There aren't any bodies around here AT ALL!"

"Yeah," said Shinon, "what hell are you guys talking about?"

The matter of whether there were bodies there is very questionable. Since Soren says there are bodies, there probably are, but since this story is from Ike's point of view, perhaps Ike could be right. Hmmmmm…

Just before Ike was about to announce their departure back to the base, a battalion of soldiers were dancing down the path; as this was their uniform march. Behind them was knight, just like Gatrie, but in grey armor. The knight also had green hair, which had a very noticeable comb over.

"Wait a minute…" started Ike, "those soldier's armor are not as black as night! YOU LIAR, SOREN!"

"I am General Maijin of Daein!" the knight said, admiring himself, also just like Gatrie! "Put down your weapons, and surrender and die!"

"Surrender AND Die! Oh…" moaned Ike, already foreseeing a battle coming.

Just then, a group of fifteen soldiers jumped out of the nearby bushes, and somehow knew that a battle would be taken place there.

"Okay, Ikee," said Shinon, "since you're the leader, you better tell us what to do so we don't' get killed!"

"Hmmm…" Ike said, who wasn't paying attention because he saw a bird

"Damn, we would be better off with Mist as a leader……or Boyd!"

"WHAT?!? Okay, I'm thinking…"

"How about this, Ike!" suggested Soren, "Since me and Rhys here are the most defenseless, everybody else makes a giant wall around us to protect us!"

"Good thinking, Ike!" shouted Rhys

So they all did that, and it proved to work out. The lance-wielding soldiers were too lazy to go around the wall of people, so they just attacked the other mercenaries. Ike pulled out his special sword to try it out, and managed to stab through two soldiers at once. Then, two archers came forward and shot an arrow each at his chest, but then Rhys ran up and healed the wounds. Three other soldiers went for Gatrie, and struck them all down with a horizontal slice, and two soldiers attempted to go for Shinon, but missed because they sucked.

When that wave was over, Soren came up to attack one of the soldiers, using the power of…wind. He pulled out his book and summoned a spell, then released it at soldier, hardly doing any damage.

"…What the hell was that, Soren?" asked Ike

"I just…haven't practiced in a while…"

Shinon ran forward and shot two arrows high into the sky. Four more soldiers we're heading his way, but one got struck in the chest, and the other…'below the belt'. Gatrie walked towards the other two and stabbed one at the leg, and Soren took the kill with his wind magic. Then Ike struck the last one at the waist, and Soren killed him, too. Now all that was left were two soldiers, a swordfighter, an archer, and General Maijin left. Gatrie ran in an attack the little myrmidon, Shinon pulled out two arrows and shot both at a soldier, Ike ran in and sliced the last soldier, who then countered at Ike's chest, but Rhys healed the wound within the second, then Soren finished him off. The final archer attempted to shoot the unstoppable Shinon, but since Shinon was so good, he caught the arrow with his bow, and countered with the same arrow.

"Hmm, they have a mage in their presence," said Maijin, "but they still don't stand a chance."

"Are you kidding me?" asked Ike, "we just killed everyone; you're the only one that's left!"

"That may be, but I have…"

"NOOOOOO!" shouted Gatrie

Maijin was holding a…javelin. He aimed it at Gatrie's lance, which broke in half, and then another javelin magically appeared in Maijin's hand again.

"Whooooooa!" said Shinon, "My arrows can't hurt him, cause he has ARMOR!"

So the battle was up to Ike and Soren. Maijin through his javelin at Soren, who got stabbed pretty badly, but Rhys was there to heal him. Soren then countered with his wind, which hurt the general more than other soldiers because it whacked his armor against his skin. Ike leapt in the air and sliced vertically across the armor, and to his surprise, cut through. While Ike was hugging his new favorite sword, Soren took the advantage over the general he had and used his wind spell and distorted the man's face.

"I think this might've been a bad idea guys," said Rhys, "we could become enemies of Daein!"

"Relax, Rhys," said Ike, "I'm sure it isn't that big a deal, but we better get out of here before more reinforcements show up. Which way is the fastest way back to the base, Soren?"

"Well, if we cut through this batch of trees, we should be able to make it before nightfall and then-"

"Wait, Ike!" shouted Rhys, "I think I just saw something move at the far side of that thicket!"

"A wounded soldier perhaps…or maybe Boyd? Careful now…he might be on drugs…"

They all wandered into the forest, unable to find anything, but when Rhys turned his head around to look behind them, he saw a woman in an orange dress and green hair following them.

"AAAAAH!"

"Did you find something, Rhys?"

"IT'S A WOMAN, KILL HER!"

"oooooooooooooooh…" she moaned

"GUAAAAAAH! SHE'S HAVING AN ORGASM!!"

She then fell over into the mud

"Oh, thank God! She died!"

"I think she just fainted. We better take her back to the fort. Give me a hand, will you, Rhys."

"HELL, NO!"

"Okay, uh…Shinon?"

"Not my style, Ikee."

Gatr-…I better not ask Gatrie. Soren?"

"Do you even think I can?"

"Good point. I guess I'll just have to carry her myself."

So Ike attempted it, but could barely lift her off the ground. It took around five minutes before they could depart.

"I don't like this…" said Soren

"Shut up, Boyd!" said Ike

"I'M NOT BOYD!"

"Oh yeah…"


	6. Shinon was Right

** I finally get to post again! I meant to post yesterday, but I got a job now, and now I no longer need to steal change, because that is actually a very convenient way to make money; I have around 30 dollars of change sitting on my desk. Anyways, Boyd is back, so that's awesome, and...that's about it.**

* * *

Shinon was Right!

The sun had just disappeared behind the horizon when the mercenaries returned to their base. Gatrie could not stop staring at the woman Ike was carrying; thinking of things I will not go into details with. They threw her on a bed and Ike and his father waited for her to wake up, which didn't take long.

"Ooh, where am I?" she asked with a ditzy tone in her voice

"I'm the commander, and we are the mercenaries of Mercenary Fort!"

"Oh, Lord The commander; you, like, totally have like, my gratitude!"

"Whoa whoa whoa, it was my son, Ike, who saved you!"

"Oh okay. My Lord My Son Ike, you, like, totally have like, my gratitude!"

"Anyways," continued the commander, "I have a couple of questions to ask you: Who are you? What were you doing in that place? Do you have connections with the Royal Family?"

The woman stared blindly, and then one of her eyes unfocused and rotated so the pupil was looking up.

"Uh…do you have a problem, or something?"

"Oh, it's like, nothing. My parents were just cousins, and my mom like, totally drank all the time when she was pregnant with me!"

"O…kay. Well, Ike here is an idiot, too, same with his sister. But my wife wasn't my cousin…or was she?"

The commander sat down in the nearby chair, pondering what had occurred.

"Oh, wow. So you're, like, totally retarded, too!" she asked to Ike

"Well, I'm ain't no Shinon, but I ain't no Boyd, either!"

Boyd is actually smarter than Ike. In fact, Boyd's smarter than Shinon, too.

"Wow! I have totally no idea what that means, but if you're, like, retarded, then I can totally place my trust in you. I am Elincia Ridell Crimea, the daughter of King Ramon of Crimea!"

"You're a princess?" the commander asked "But why would the public not know about this?"

"My mother told me it was totally because of my hands being attached to my chest when I was, like, born. But my uncle, like, totally knew me better than anybody else, and he said that it was for the good of the country, because he was, like, born before me. He told me that the first time he raped me!"

The commander and Ike just stared, but Ike was smiling.

"So…it was to avoid a national turmoil!"

"I don't know."

"But you must know what has happened at the capital so far."

"Well, my parents and I totally fled for Gallia, and then Ass Lard, totally king of Daein, totally killed them in front of me. I totally hated my parents, so I was, like, so happy, but now Ass Lard's trying to kill me and…"

The princess collapsed on the floor, with a seizure and spewing blood on the floor, but was psychotically giggling.

"The princess is retarded?" asked Titania to Ike

"That's what she says, and Father seems to believe her for some reason."

"Well, I remember when I was in the Crimean Army hearing a rumor about the King and Queen being cousins."

"You were in the Crimean Army?"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!?"

"You just told me-"

"I DID NO SUCH THING!"

"H-Hey Ike!" shouted Rolf, who was continuously shaking, like a jackhammer. "L-Look outsid-de!"

He did, and saw about thirty soldiers surrounding the fort.

"Everbody," shouted the commander, "get your asses in the briefing room, NOW!!"

Everyone came with a few seconds. Boyd and Oscar were back in shape after the accident earlier that day.

"A messenger gave me a message, 'Hand over the princess, and we will let you live. Do not hand over the princess, and we will not let you live.' Pretty straight forward. Now, we need to vote on what course of action to take. Titania, let's start with you."

"Crimea has given us many jobs for us to do. It has given us people to rob and people to kill, and if we aren't satisfied with the money we earn, we can kill people for more!"

"Is that what you've been doing the past 20 years?"

"Basically."

"I gotta stop putting her in charge… Soren, how about you?"

"We must put the company ahead of everything else. We must support Daein so we can get them on our side, and handing over the stupid princess is the way to go!"

"You'd give up the nation's one chance at survival just for our company?"

"I would."

""Your theory is inspiring, but it hardly qualifies as 'funny'. Your vote doesn't count!"

"What? …I hate these people."

"Shinon? Gatrie?"

"Soren's a midget, but he's got the right idea!" said Shinon, "and there's NOOOOO way that I'm going into stinkin' beast country. It's not my style!"

"Well, I think that we should all let me have my way with her, and-"

"GATRIE! Do you even have an opinion?"

"…No."

"Okay. Rhys?"

"The entire thing is out of the question. It doesn't matter if she's the princess or not; she's a woman, AND SHE MUST BE KILLED!"

"…Oscar? Boyd?"

"I…" started Oscar, "I…think…"

'_**The princess is a whole country, and that would eliminate half of your debt.'**_

'_**NOOO! That's too much'**_

'_**You don't have an option!'**_

'_**NEVER!'**_

"I think that we should prote-" Oscar randomly punched himself in the face. "I think we should hand over the princess!"

"Okay then…stop punching yourself."

"We're mercenaries!" shouted Boyd, "and we have to do the heroic thing!"

"All right then. It looks like we're at 2-3. How about Mist and Rolf?"

"We gotta help the princess!" shouted Mist

"Yeah…We gotta listen to wise Uncle Shinon!" shouted Rolf

"You're only half a person, so you only get half a vote!"

"Yay! I'm no longer a third a person!" shouted Rolf

"And it's down to the dumb pup, Ike!"

"For the sake of drama, I'm going to say we should help the princess!"

"A wise choise, as we are now tied at 3.5-3.5. Now what do we do?"

"Maybe we should do a recount!" suggested Titania

"Shut up, Boyd!" shouted Oscar

"I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!"

"What did I just tell you!"

"I CAME UP WITH THE PERFECT PLAN!" shouted Rhys, "We take the princess outside, like we're handing her over, and then we KILL HER RIGHT THERE! IMAGINE THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES!"

"Did anybody hear that?" asked the commander

"Hear what?" asked Ike, as everybody shutted up.

They all listened, and then somebody farted, but then Soren stood up.

"All the animals are quiet, even the insects. The army has surrounded us and already decided to attack!"

"Why should we believe you?" asked Shinon

"LOOK! There's a soldier standing right there!"

Soren pointed at the window, and a Daein soldier stood there, watching everything.

"Prepare yourself. Surrender and Die." It said, sounding like a robot.

"I guess we got no choice, we must fight back! As usual, Shinon was right; about this AND taking in the princess being a bad idea!"

"It was nuthin'"

"I'll kill you in your sleep" Soren whispered in Shinon's ear.

"Mist! Rolf! Stay with the princess and make sure she doesn't…" the commander left quickly because he couldn't think of anything to conclude that sentence. Meanwhile, Mist and Rolf prepared themselves for the worst six minutes of their lives.

As they all came outside, it was pitch black and really hard to see, but they did not give up. The fort had three entryways: east, south and west. The commander covered the east, Shinon and Gatrie took the west, and everyone else focused on south. They all took out their weapons… as usual, and we're off!

Ike and Boyd took the front lead and attacked the first few soldiers at the gate. Ike cut through swiftly, but Boyd was trying to prove to everyone he is really good, but was having problems. Soren and Rhys covered their back and Oscar was observing a javelin that Ike took the battle before. He was curious as to how the javelin always magically appears in his hand again, so he wanted to try something. He threw it at a nearby soldier, and being as awesome as he is, thrusted it through the soldier's throat, but quickly made a fist. Unfortunately, this proved to be a bad decision, as when the javelin merged from thin air into the location, it was now inside his fist. He started screaming in pain and began whacking random soldiers until it came off. Titania was killing weak archers and playing waving some torches she found, and Shinon and Gatrie were…owning it up.

Since Ike and Boyd were at the front, they created a wall and about twenty soldiers were attacking at once. Ike fought off three; he sliced horizontally at one, kicked the next in the face and stabbed through his spine while he fell down, and decapitated the last with a mighty sweep. While the other seventeen were going after Boyd, he got hit enough times to learn a very valuable piece of information; when an enemy attacks, 'It's a good idea to take a step backwards to avoid the attack'. With this knowledge, he managed to cut through all the soldiers, but then another twenty came from the nearby bushes…

"Why are they all going for me?" cried Boyd, "And why isn't anyone helping?!?"

"We would be defying the laws of nature," replied Soren, "it's the enemies phase and we can't do anything until they're all dead."

"That's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard!"

Unfortunately, it was true.

While Boyd was clobbering the soldiers, Mist and Rolf were ordered to watch the princess. Their hyperactivity had ceased and turned into paranoia. As the door slowly creaked open, they saw the princess attempting to cut herself. It was a challenge as she was born with her hands attached to her chest.

"What are you doing?" shouted Mist

"My parents are like, gone, and I've totally heard that cutting yourself makes things like, better!" she laughed maniacally.

"Why don't we do something else!" shouted Rolf, "Let's play hide and seek, I'm the best at hide and seek!"

"I've been like, totally playing hide and seek for my whole lifetime! Let's play the quiet game!"

"How about dress-up!" suggested Mist

"I totally love dress-up! I'm always, like, dressed up as myself!"

So the three went into their older brother's bedrooms and took their clothes and changed into them.

"I'm Ike!" shouted Mist, about ten minutes later, "I'm a mercenary, I'm a big fat idiot, I'm-" but before she could say anymore, she smacked herself in the head with the sword she was holding, like an idiot.

"I'm Mist!" said Rolf, "I'm a girl, with long hair and female reproductive organs!"

"I'm a ghost!" the princess shouted wearing one of Rhys' robes on her head. "Hey, Mist. Like, what's that thing around your neck?"

"There's nothing around my neck!" said Rolf

"I have this medallion," replied the REAL Mist, "It was from my mother, but it just started glowing recently. I wonder what it means."

The medallion was bronze, and had an eerie blue glow. The princess stared, but when her pupils began to grow three times the normal size, she threw a quick seizure and spewed all over Rhys' robe. Poor Rhys.

Once the enemies finally died down, only eight were left, guarding the general. The mercenaries charged down the hill to face their opponent. Boyd took out a throwing axe he found earlier, and threw it for the first time. It chopped off three random soldier heads, but as it came back, he ran away screaming because he was afraid to grab it. Oscar charged through and repeatedly whacked a soldier until the javelin came off. Titania was still playing with her torches, so the rest of the enemies were up to Ike and Soren…again.

Soren had improved on his wind magic, and summoned a stronger wind spell, sucking up the remaining four soldiers in a cyclone, and Ike leapt through the air and cut them all down in a instant.

"I thought the enemy was supposed to be completely surrounded!" cried the general. His head was large and thick, and his blue hair was well cut, but he also had a uni-brow. He pulled out a javelin and threw it at Ike, but Rhys was there to heal him. Ike charged up his strength and cut straight through the general, but he wasn't dead yet. But then Soren came up, and with an evil grin in his face, he summoned two wind spells with both hands, and released them to crush the general from both sides.

"General Dakova!" shouted a soldier that leaped out of the bushes. "The general's dead! We don't stand a chance! Retreat everyone!"

About thirty more soldiers jumped out of the bushes and they all ran in different directions.

"What's going on?" asked Ike's father, watching as the last of the enemies had fled. "I wasn't sure if there even were any enemies. None came through the east gate; guess I should've helped you then, Ike."

"YOU THINK!" shouted Ike

"LOOK OUT!" shouted Boyd, as the random throwing axe flew across the air and almost chopped off the commander's head.

"I never did like those," he muttered to himself, "Anyways. After this battle, we are now probably enemies of Daein, so we need to leave immediately and head south for the kingdom of Gallia! Titania, you take Shinon and Gatrie and secure a road for us to take!"

"Yes, sir!"

"Me and Boyd will try to get this javelin out of my hand, commander!" said Oscar…obviously.

"And me and Rolf will get some food for the road!" shouted Mist

"All right then. Rhys, I need your help to pull out any essential documents from the library. Everything else in the fort, we burn…"

"YAY! WE GET TO BURN THE PRINCESS!!"

"Uh…no. The princess will be in Ike's control until we're ready to leave. Oh yeah, and Soren…you can just…talk to that tree…or whatever you do for fun."

"…Idiocy…" he muttered to himself…sitting down at the tree.

"So, Sir My Son Ike, what should I like, do for you?" asked the princess

"Uh…I don't wanna get any stupider; since you might have some brain dead STD or something…so…why don't you go sit in the outhouse for a while."

"YAY! I can totally do that!"

She skipped to the outhouse and stepped inside, but then Rhys ran up and pushed it down the hill. He did a victory dance, and then Ike said, "Princess…I don't think I'll ever understand them…"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU COULDN'T CATCH THEM!" screamed a dark paladin

"Well, the enemy is just better than we expect-"

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE DAEIN MOTO IS?"

"Uh…prepare yourself, surrender and die?"

"NO! THE OTHER ONE! 'SUCCESS OR FAILURE, LIFE OR DEATH!' TAKE THE FOOL AWAY!"

"Nooooo! I'm just a messenger, I wasn't even at the battle, I'm not even a soldier! I'M NOT EVEN FROM DAEIN!!!..."

"DOG SHIT, THE PRINCESS IS STILL OUT THERE AND WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO LEADS! ENA! GET OVER HERE!"

A girl with ridiculously-stupid looking pink hair walked forwards.

"I NEED TO KNOW WHERE THE PRINCESS IS!"

"…Well, Crimea is surrounded by two nations; Daein in Gallia. Since we ARE in Daein, they must be in Gallia."

"WOW! YOU'RE LOGIC IS SIMPLY STUNNING! HERE, HAVE A COOKIE!"

The paladin tossed one, and girl began nibbling on it like a rat.

"SOON, PRINCESS! SOON YOU WILL FALL BEFORE MY LANCE! AND THEN I WILL GAIN THE KING'S FAVOR! YES, ASHNARD, KING OF DAEINS FAVOR! AS I AM HIS MOST TRUSTED WARRIOR! YES! I SHOULD REALLY STOP YELLING!"


	7. Hide and Seek

**Yay, I can finally update again! I got the day off, and I've been meaning to work on this some more. Also, I managed to beat Fire Emblem AGAIN! That's #8 now, BUT... before you jump to crazy solutions, I skimmed through the whole game and skipped most of the movies because I wanted to try a couple of theories I had, like have Mist attack the Black Knight in chapter 27, or have Ranulf attack the black knight in chapter...24...i think. ALSO, while i was playing through, i did ike's and lethe's support, and after i finished the A support, i got this info thing, or something, and it turns out Lethe has a crush on Ike. Although, I predicted that a long time, but people said I was crazy! But...I just thought that you should know that...cause the thing during the epilogue she said changed to something...more significant, so she'll probably be in Goddess of Dawn! Anyways, ON TO READING!**

* * *

Hide and Seek

"BLAZES! Why does it have to be SO hot and sweaty here? If we weren't being chased by soldiers, I'd strip of my clothes right now!" shouted Gatrie

"Then I'm glad we ARE being chased, or else I'd have to KILL YOU!" cried Titania, "Although this heat is appalling; it does make me want to strip. But there are children here, so we can't…"

The mercenaries had fled through the night and made their way to the sea of trees that bordered Crimea and Gallia. The trees were thick, but not thick enough that there was still sunlight.

"I cant' believe we have to go to stinkin' beast country, man!" said Shinon, "I need more…'tea'."

"What are these 'beasts' of which you speak?" questioned Ike

"Whoooa! You're a mercenary and you've never heard of the beast-dudes?"

"Never."

"Whoooa! You're stupider than I thought, Ikee!"

"Hmm…Perhaps."

"These beast-men that Shinon spoke of are traditionally called 'Laguz', which in the Norse language means 'Lake'…funny how that works." Said Soren "Laguz is also the symbol of Loki, and-"

"Soren!" shouted the commander, "nobody cares about your blasphemy! Now, we have almost made our way out of these trees, and the Daein army is most likely waiting to ambush, so we need to decide a course of action!"

"I say we should split up," replied Shinon, "one team attacks the enemy, and the other takes the princess to Gallia!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" shouted Soren, "we'll be dividing our forces, so the chance of survival is even less for each team!"

"I dunno," said the commander, "Shinon has proved his worth many times."

"Name one time!"

"……we don't have time to discuss this. Shinon! Gatrie! To me! Remember everyone, this may be our last battle, so I wanna say something: No matter what happens, we're all family, so nobody better go dying on me now!"

"Don't worry, father, I promise we'll be safe!"

"We'll see about that!"

And then the three skipped ahead, leaving them to the princess, who was picking her nose, which was bleeding.

"AHA! THE MERCENARIES ARE HEADING FOR GALLIA! ENA, HAVE ANOTHER COOKIE! YOU HAVE MY PRAISE! I WAS CURIOUS AS WHY KING ASHNARD OF DAEIN GAVE ME A GIRL!!!"

Ena was just mauling her cookie.

"AHA! YES! BUT I WILL SOON HAVE MY PRAISE! I'LL LEAVE GENERAL EMIL IN CHARGE OF THE BORDER, WHILE I GO YELL AT MORE SOLDIERS! AND I WILL GET EVEN MORE FAVOR!! HA HA! WHAT A POINTLESS PARAGRAPH!

"There's more than I expected," said Soren, "I thought the guards would be spread out all over border, but they're all in one place!"

At the edge of the forest stood the mercenaries; watching the Daein soldiers along a river, guarding the border.

"Should we regroup?" asked Oscar

"No, it's too late to find the commander, we're already split up."

"If there's so many in one place," started Boyd, "then why don't we just go somewhere else on the border?"

"Shut up, Boyd!" shouted Ike, "We'll just have to make this a stealth mission, so we can get to the cheap wooden wall that's the so-called _'border'_."

"This shouldn't be a problem," stated Soren, "there are two connecting bridges across the river, and the forest stretches down to the western one, so maybe we can get the children and the princess to cross one while we deal with the other…"

"Don't worry about that!" shouted Rolf, "I have a better idea; we'll just play hide and seek, and I NEVER lose at hide and seek!"

"Fine! Go!" shouted Ike

And so the battle began as the three ran into the forest. The mercenaries pulled out their weapons and prepared for battle. They split into two groups: Ike, Boyd and Rhys as one and Oscar, Soren and Titania as the other. The second group waited to strike until the other group made their way to the western bridge. Ike pulled out a brand new Iron Blade, much like any other sword he had, except very thick, was taller than him, and of the same width as his waist, yet he managed to hold it with one hand above his head…in a horizontal position. He held it out of the patch of trees for the other group to see, and everybody attacked at once. Ike ran onto the bridge attacked a myrmidon across his upper back, and Boyd struck a helpless archer across the chest, who then fell off the bridge into the river. Rhys stood in the back cheering them on. Titania swung her axe at an archer back on the coast, and Soren and Oscar struck three soldiers once with combined skills; Oscar threw his javelin at one, and Soren used Wind to repeatedly spin it in midair and strike the other two.

"The enemy is here!" shouted General Emil, who was personally guarding the wooden border gate, "Someone go tell General Petrine!"

"Rolf!" shouted Mist, "where are we going? We can't go too far back! The others are depending on us!"

"Don't' worry, Mist! There should be a good spot somewhere here!"

As the three ran through the woods, they came upon a small opening, with a diameter of about ten meters, completely covered in grass and surrounded by trees.

"This'll work!"

Rolf told the others to find rocks the sizes of heads and make a circle surround the field. The princess didn't understand, and just watched, while eating things she found out of her nose. Once the kids found enough rocks, Rolf skidded across the grass to flatten it, while making a symbol. He placed dirt all over the flat grass, and then stood in the middle.

"My imaginary friends who burn things showed me this!" he said as he pressed his hands against the ground.

The dirt glowed red, and the remaining grass in the circle disappeared into a rock surface. A staircase opened up in the middle, with an illuminating red light glowing from below. Constant screams of agony could be heard from below.

"Come on, guys! We'll be safe down there!"

So the three ran down, and as the last one was out of sight, the circle turned back into grass as it was before they came.

The battle continued fiercely for the mercenaries, as Ike and Boyd were challenged by a mighty knight in heavy armor. He was no match for the two combined, but three soldiers and two archers were backing him up!

Soren and Oscar continued towards the eastern bridge, met by about three soldiers. However, charging from the behind the soldier was a stoned axe-knight; wielding a deadly poleax. He swung at the mercenaries, but cut through the other soldiers like wheat.

"Titania!" shouted Oscar, "we need your awesomeness you brag so much about to kill that knight!"

"Why should I? I'll get cut down!"

"I'm a lance knight, with less experience than you, and we all know axes beat lances; it's the law of the universe!"

"And my wind magic is almost out! I didn't have time to bring another spell book!"

"…fine…I'll give it a try…"

Titania slowly trotted to the waiting knight, and the two charged at each other! Titania swung at the knight, but her axe was not long enough to land a blow, and she was struck across the chest by the enemy. She tried to flee, but before her horse could react, the enemy struck at her neck, and her head was sent flying across the river.

**(A/N: This didn't really happen, but I don't like Titania that much, cause she ends up sucking around here, and I actually just see her as the person who hangs around and does nothing. **

**And one time that axe-knight almost killed her, so…there…)**

"Oh my God…we're screwed…" Oscar said to himself

'_**You can't die! If you do, I'll be waiting for you in hell to repay your debt!'**_

'_**AAAAAAAAH!'**_

Oscar charged at the knight and stabbed through his armor with all his might, but had a boost of energy from his meth. Then, Soren came to the rescue and used the rest of his magic to attack the rider's horse. The horse shrieked, and fell backwards into the river, along with the knight. When the two made sure he was dead, Soren got on in Oscar's horse in front of him, because he's a midget. He grabbed the knife Oscar kept strapped to his leg, and the two fought the remaining soldiers. They managed to cut through easily, as all that was left were two soldiers and a healer. Oscar stabbed at the first soldier, while Soren slit the healer's throat. As the last one attempted to strike, Oscar pulled out his foot and kicked him, while Soren stabbed through his throat.

Back to the other group, Ike and Boyd held their ground against the knight, with the other soldiers ready to strike. While Rhys held out staff to heal Ike from an injury, Titania's head landed perfectly in his hands. He looked in shock at the head, but quickly realized it was his hero, Titania; her face pale and in shock, and her eyes looking straight up. He screamed like crazy and chucked it at the enemies. It hit the knight, who fell off the bridge into the rapid river, and the other two were free to attack. The both stunned their own soldier and killed the others, and then both charged at the defenseless archers.

Now all that was left were two soldiers with javelins, and a fierce halberdier with a …short spear. The general halberdier wore black and green armor, shouting, "No one will pass, unless they face ME!"

"Well, obviously!" shouted Ike, who then cut through the first soldier.

Boyd ran to the second one and killed him, and Oscar and Soren took on Emil together. Emil threw his lance and struck at Oscar, which almost made him fall off his horse, if it wasn't for the demon inside. Soren attempted to stop the horse, but since the demon didn't understand horse commands, it ran over the general, and the two made it into Gallia. Emil didn't die yet, and got up and challenged Ike, but before either one could react, Boyd's throwing axe from the fort battle flew across the sky and cut off his head.

Ike checked to see that the halberdier was dead, but as Rhys and Boyd came up, Rhys turned around to see something.

"Boyd! Look, a surviving healer!"

"Sadistic Bastards!" he shouted, while calling a war cry, and began chasing him like a rabbit.

"Now we can leave without him! It's brilliant!"

"Good job, Rhys!" and the two ran down the path.

"All right, now. Where is everybody?" asked Ike

"Well, Titania is dead," started Oscar, "so,-"

"HOW COULD YOU LET HIM DIE! I'LL KILL YOU!" shouted Rhys, who tackled Oscar and began whacking him with his staff

"Get a hold of yourself!" said Soren, who lifted up the depressed priest. "Titania was never good at all. She never did any of the fighting and just stole from and killed innocent people!"

Before the conversation could continue, a patch of grass in front of them glowed red and opened up, and Mist, Rolf and the princess ran out of it. They were carrying a variety of items; from balloons and food, to stuffed animals, and hats and T-shirts with 'HELL' written on them.

"It's about time you caught up!" shouted Ike

"Where's Titania?" asked Mist

"Dead"

"Where's Boyd?"

"……Dead…"

"…OK! Where's father and Shinon and the Gaybo?"

"…Hey, they aren't back yet. Where could they be?" replied Rhys

"Father…Shinon…Gaybo…" said Ike

Soren would have said something, but was too distracted by Ike calling Gatrie 'Gaybo'. "I'll never forget THAT one!" he said to himself

"All right then," said Ike, "we're going to go back and look for him, so Mist, I need you and the others to make your way to the palace."

"No! I don't wanna!"

"Mist, we'll all come back safe! Have I ever broken a promise?"

"YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISE TO FATHER ABOUT KEEPING EVERYONE ALIVE!!!"

"Safe, Mist. I said I'd keep them safe…and that one doesn't count!"

"…Ok. We'll go!"

So before everyone departed their ways, Elincia walked up to Rhys.

"Are you, like, a healer?"

"GAAAAH, W-W-WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?"

"I like, wanna totally give you this staff!"

"It's a mend staff! With twice the power of a heal staff, with better handling and grip, encased in pure gold and…what the hell is THAT on the jewel?"

"Oh, my uncle and I, like, totally used this staff when we totally did secret things!"

"…very well. I'll take your witchcraft, but don't think things are over between us!"

"Oh, I know!" she giggled, then had one of her many seizures from the reflection of light from the jewel, and spewed on the ground.

"Eew…good thing she didn't do that to me!"

Little did Rhys know, but he was wearing the robe that Elincia spewed on earlier, and he hadn't washed it yet. Poor Rhys.


	8. A Shred of Dignity

**Yay i posted another one! i kinda had a free day today, i might've mentioned that in the last chapter, but i was so close to finishing, i didn't want to stop, and it is 12:30 right now, and i have to get up at 6:45, although maybe some people get less sleep than me, but i don't care! anyways, i have been waiting for this chapter for a while now. it was one of chapters i planned out when i first started, but there are still certains things, like any other one, that just came along, but anyways, i'm just rambling on now so READ and review**

* * *

A Shred of Dignity

"They're not here either!" shouted Ike, as he turned the last rock along the river bed.

"Ike, pursing the commander any farther might be dangerous," said Soren, "it would be a waste of all their efforts; maybe we should just go back."

"Yeah, I guess. I suppose we'll have to assume they made it into Gallia somehow…"

"Ike! I just saw something move at that fort over there!" shouted Rhys

"There's a FORT?!? Yay! Let's go exploring!"

They all cheered as they came upon the fort.

Once inside, they all looked around. The building had been abandoned for some time; around when the war started.

"There's nothing here!"

"I could've sworn I saw something!"

As they were about to split up to look around, a group of soldiers with boxes walked in.

"AAAH! It's the mercenaries! Kill them all!" shouted some soldier

"Damn it! Stupid Economic Recovery!"

The mercenaries fled into the corner, which REALLY wasn't smart, but before they knew it, fifty Daein soldiers came out of the many doors throughout the fort.

Things started out the way they usually do, but things had changed dramatically since the last battle; Titania died, Boyd was left behind because nobody likes him, and Soren was out of magic. Ike ran forward to the first soldier and killed him with a vertical slice, followed by Soren and Rhys closely. Oscar went north instead of west with the others, and took on an axe-wielding fighter and soldier by himself. Quickly after, a myrmidon with purple hair and a horribly-grotesque orange dress walked down one of the many stairs.

"A battle! YAY! I get to kill people!" she squealed

She ran down the hallway towards Ike.

"Are you Ike?" she asked

"Why yes I am!" he replied

"Wow! I'm a legendary femme fatale, Mia!"

"Uh…I've never heard of you..."

"How could you have never heard of me and my awesomeness?

"I dunno…what are you doing here, anyways?"

"I was capture and taken prisoner by Daein!"

"Wait…if you were foolish enough to get captured, then how can you be this 'ALMIGHTY!' and 'LEGENDEERY!' …sword guy?"

"I dunno…but your father saved me!"

"My father saved you?"

"That's what I said!"

"Where is he?"

"Somewhere!"

"Yay! Let's work together and become a super team of swords!"

"Yay!"

So the two idiots skipped down the aisles, but were ambushed by three knights. But then, two were cut down at once, and before the third could turn around, he got decapitated

"WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME BEHIND!?!?!?!?" shouted Boyd

"Oh…uh…we didn't leave you behind…you…just…SHUT UP, BOYD!"

Boyd took the threat well, but then, a Paladdin in black armor and on a black horse raced in from the other side of the building.

"AHA! I HAVE YOU TRAPPED NOW!"

"Who are you?!" Ike shouted across the room back

"I AM GENERAL PETRINE! AND MY ARRIVAL MARKS YOUR DOOM!"

"General Petrine of the Four Riders?" said Soren

"You know him, Soren?"

"It's a woman, Ike."

"…well, I don't believe THAT!"

"HA HA! YES, IT IS RATHER HARD TO BELIEVE WITH MY MASCULINE BODY AND HIGH LEVELS OF TESTOSTERONE! BUT IT'S TRUE NONE THE LESS!"

"WHOA! Have you had a sex change, or something?"

"WELL! I WAS BORN A WOMAN, AND SWITCHED BACK AND FORTH FIVE TIMES BECAUSE I COULDN'T DECIDE, BUT RIGHT NOW I AM A WOMAN! AND NOW, I WILL ROAST ALL OF YOU WITH MY LANCE OF FIRE! HA HA!"

"They say blind arrogance sows the fields of its own destruction…whatever the hell that means. I think they were talking about you!" shouted some voice

"HUH!"

While everyone was covering their ears from her extremely high voice, The commander and Shinon and Gatrie came through yet another door, and the commander struck an soldier so hard, he exploded.

"What the hell are you doing here, Ike!" shouted the commander

Ike ran past all the enemies so he could see his father.

"We got the princess to Gallia, but the mission wouldn't be complete without you, so we decided to check out this fort!"

"…I see…where's Titania?"

"Oh yeah, she died!"

"…what am I to do with you? Still, you did well…good job, Ike!"

"It was nothing…"

"WHAT?! IT'S JUST SOME SELL SWORD! BUT YOU MADE THAT GUY EXPLODE, MAYBE YOU'RE CAPABLE OF MY 'TWISTED GAMES'!!"

"Shinon! What are these twisted games that that hot guy speaks of?" asked Gatrie

"They say that the King makes his best soldiers kill each other in deadly stadiums, and the last four that live become his four riders…it is a mystery, though, how Daein has so many soldiers with these games going on, too."

"That's scary!"

"YES, WELL, PERHAPS I CAN MAKE A GOOD SOUVENIR OUT OF THIS SELLSWORD!"

"Hmm…how about we do this 'thing' right now? I kinda want more space to 'stretch my muscles'. You coming?

"YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO SWEET TALK A GIRL, DON'T YOU? ALL RIGHT! FOOLS, YOU BETTER TAKE CARE OF THESE SOLDIERS BEFORE I GET BACK, OR ELSE! HA HA! BALMER, MAKE SURE THESE FOOLS DO THINGS RIGHT!"

"Of course" the blue-haired sage replied.

The commander and Petrine ran through yet another door, just as twenty or so more reinforcements came in. Shinon and Gatrie took on the half of the enemies by themselves, but there were still a dozen with the rest of the army. Boyd ran up to a mage and cut him in half. The mage dropped a red book, which Soren quickly picked up; The Power of…Fire! Soren ran up to a soldier to test out his new ability, but the power was a bit more than just fire. When a fire ball was cast above Soren's head and launched at the soldier, the enemy randomly combusted, leaving nothing but his legs, which eventually fell onto their knees.

While Soren laughed maniacally and repeatedly used his spell like a flamethrower, everyone met up in the presence of Balmer, who was guarded by knight and healer. Soren cast his Fire again, and with utmost accuracy landed a hit between the cracks of the armor, and all that was left after was floating armor, which quickly fell to the ground. The so-called femme fatale attacked the helpless priest, but was countered by Balmer with a fire attack.

"Ooh…my tummy hurts…" she responded

Rhys ran up and healed her, and then she charged and stabbed the sage.

"No. You'll all be roasted, and I'll present your bones as a trophy! Yes..." but then Balmer died.

"Now to find my father!" shouted Ike

The commander and Petrine had halted their battle, as Petrine was losing and needed to recover for a minute.

"YOU…YOU ACT LIKE A SELLSWORD, BUT YOU FIGHT LIKE A DEMON! WHAT ARE YOU? WHAT WOULD YOU?"

"Enough talk, fool. You, of all people, should know: Axes beat Lances!"

The mercenaries…and Mia ran into the room.

"Father let's get out of here!"

Just then, a single soldier walked into the room from one of the many four doors.

"Here they are! The Crimean Mercenaries!" it shouted

Four battalions of about fifteen soldiers each charged in from each direction.

"…Looks like I've got no choice! Come on, Ike! You can't die on me here; you must keep your ass alive no matter what!"

"What about me, Commander?" asked Rhys

"…eh…"

Suddenly, a loud growl vibrated the room

"BEASTS!" somebody shouted

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" somebody else shouted

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" shouted Boyd

"CEASE YOURSELF!!!!! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO YELL ANY LOUDER!!!!! THE FIRST COWARD TO FLEE WILL FACE MY LANCE!!!!!!!!

"If we all run relatively at the same time, then she'll have no way of knowing who was first!" shouted yet another soldier.

They all nodded, and they all fled.

"DOG SHIT, ONE AND ALL!"

Yet even more soldiers ran in, but for some strange reason, they weren't carrying weapons…

"BEASTS" one shouted

A group of seven cats and tigers all the different colours of the rainbow ran in, and the sapphire cat in the middle transformed into a human.

"Attention all Daein soldiers, you are all in a restricted area. Leave now or you will face the full wrath of Gallia."

"BAH! I'D RATHER FIGHT IN BATTLE WITH MY HONOUR INTACT! BESIDES, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH KILLING A FEW SUB-HUMANS!"

And then, a knight encased entirely in black armor walked into the room.

"Wow! This play keeps getting better and better!" shouted Boyd

"THE BLACK KNIGHT!" said Petrine, with one of her less than loud voices, but still loud.

"You may leave now, General Petrine," it said in a low voice, which echoed through his helmet, "I will explain things to the King."

"GRRRRRRRRRR…ALL TROOPS FALL BACK!"

The remaining few soldiers ran away with her, and the mercenaries and beasts stared at the knight

"He's staring at me, isn't he, Father?" asked Ike

"NO! He's clearly looking at me!"

Then the knight left; his red cape blowing in the wind…inside the building.

"So you must be the princess' export?" the cat asked, "I'm Ranulf!"

"I'm Ike!"

"Nicely met, Ike. We weren't sure what to do when we saw a group of humans running through our fields. At first, we decided to attack them without our hairball guns, but then we found out who they were, and they asked for reinforcements for you!"

"That's pretty sweet, hairballs from sub-humans!"

"How dare you call me a 'sub-human'! That's a meanie name! You're a meanie!" Ranulf shugged his shoulders and looked the other way

"Uh…I didn't mean it; I just didn't know any other name for you."

"I TOLD YOU THEY'RE LAGUZ IN THE FOREST!" shouted Soren

Ranulf turned around and looked at them, confused.

"…Hi, I'm Ranulf! What's your names?"

"I'm Ike…hey, we've already been over this…have we?

"YES!" said Soren

"Yes we have! What's going on?"

"Oh, well, this isn't easy for me to say, but…I have short-term memory loss!"

"…I don't know what that means, but if it's retarded, then you're all right with me!"

"How do you know you have short-term memory loss if you have it and-" started Boyd, before he got whacked across the head with Soren's fire book.

"Well, anyways," continued Ranulf, "I remember some things, like a group of humans came trampling through our fields and we shot them with our hairball guns, and we can't let you and your group stay with us, because the kingdom of Gallia is racist against humans. MWUAHAHAHA! So you will be staying in some old castle a couple of miles from here! And we should be able to bring you some food!"

"All right! We've had little time to pack anything; nothing but toast. What do you think, Father?"

The commander was just standing there, thinking.

"Father, it's not like you to think!"

"And it's not like you to act mature, now what the hell is going on?!"

"We're staying in a castle because this kingdom is racist!"

"All right, we're staying in Gebal Castle, right?"

"…Hi, I'm Ranulf! What's your names?"

The mercenaries just left, awaiting to finally rest easy.

**(A/N: Guess what? This is a spoiler scene, but if you are actually reading this, than you are more than likely to have actually played the game, and to have made it farther than 25 through, especially when the game came out three years ago. But there ARE weird people out there, so…YOU CAN'T SUE ME!! Not that you could, anyways… you'd never find out who I truly am!!)**

It took them eight hours to arrive at Gebal Castle. The whole place was covered in moss and vines, and there were no closed doors or windows. It was late when they arrived, and most of the mercenaries made a bed with their supplies, but a few others unpacked things to feel at home. Ike looked out the window from his bed and saw his father leaving. Ike leapt out the window, to act heroic, but Rolf was standing there to use a _ciga-weed_, as he had become addicted, and Ike fell on him.

"Father what are you doing?" Ike asked

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I had this feeling something bad was gonna happen, so I wanted to try and stop it, like a hero!"

"…You always were a dumb pup! Come on, let's go for a walk!"

The commander continued walking, but Ike just stood there

"…OH…you mean NOW! Fine…"

"…so Ike, have you gotten used to the life of a mercenary around here?"

"Sure thing! I used to suck, but now I'm pretty darn good! And-…Father, what are you doing, it looks like you have to go to the bathroom PRE-tty bad!"

"Ike, what do you remember about your mother?"

"Huh? Where did THAT come from? RaNdOm!"

There have been many more random things throughout this parody, but Ike's an idiot, as we all know.

"Just answer the question!"

"Well, he has brown hair… yellow clothes and a yellow cape-"

"YOU'RE DESCRIBING ME, DUMBASS!"

"Who did you ask for?"

"Just forget it, Ike! Why do you have to ruin a moment like that? Just get the hell out of my sight and go back to the castle!"

"But…fine!"

Ike walked back, but as soon as he went through the door, he checked that his father was gone, then made a dash for the only path from the castle.

"Father…what's going on...where are you…why am I talking to myself?" said Ike, while he was running, then put on an increase of speed.

The full moon had come out behind the clouds in the quiet night, but all was distracted by the clanging of a sword and axe. The commander and The Black Knight were dueling. The Knight held the commander in an easy position, and sent him flying, and made him drop his axe.

Ike came into view of the battle, the only thing he observed was that they were all wearing capes.

"Here…" The Black Knight calmly spoke, "use this blade…"

He tossed the golden blade he wielded at the commander's feet.

"What are you doing?" he asked

The Knight pulled out a similar silver sword.

"I've been waiting for this moment a long time, so I may see you at your full strength: General Gawain; Pyre of Daein!"

"…That was my name…once," he picked up the sword, and tossed it, "but I threw it away!"

"Do you…want to die?"

"…Your voice…I remember you…Think you can defeat me…the man, who taught you how to fight? What a fool. Come on boy, come try me!

The commander quickly picked up his axe and struck with incredible strength. He swung downwards at the knight's sword two more times, and than the knight spun in a circle, held the commander with his left hand, and stabbed his sword.

"Is that…all there is?...No challenge?...No…resistance?"

"Uh…EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME MR. uh…uh…guy…"

"'The Black Knight' is fine. What is it?"

"Yeah, Mr. The Black Knight, uh…I don't mean to be a bother, but I don't think that sword went through, because there's no blood at the tip!

The knight turned his head a little to the side, and lifted the commander's cape to realize he missed completely.

"Oh…thank you, boy!" and then the knight timed himself, and stabbed straight through the commander's chest; blood spewing on the ground.

"FATHER! NO, DON'T LEAVE! DON'T LEAVE ME! FATHER!

"Unbelievable, is this truly what has become of my teacher? The Black Knight said

"FATHER! FATHER! FATH-"

"WHAT IKE!!!!!"

"…You're dying, Father!"

"Now, give me what I'm after!"

"I don't have it," said the commander, "I…threw it away."

"Just like your name? Is that all you can come up with?"

"…I knew I should've come up with a backup excuse…" he muttered to himself

"Well, maybe me killing your son will loosen your tongue, or maybe your dau-"

"YOU'LL NEVER KILL ME!" cried Ike, who went completely mad

"IKE! WA- oh, who cares!" and the commander started drinking from Shinon's _'tea' _bottle.

Ike and The Black Knight faced each other, and Ike SOMEHOW missed, and then got kicked by the knight.

"…owiee…"

"I won't check my hand again," said the knight, "GIVE ME WHAT I'M AFTER!"

GROWL

"The King of Lions? Do I flee?"

"YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!" shouted Ike

"Tell me, is the boy as stupid as his father?"

"Oh no, he's WAY dumber," replied the commander

"FATHER!"

"Well, Ike, I'm dying! I kinda want a shred of dignity here!"

The commander stood up, but then his pants fell down.

GROWL

"…Oh well, maybe next time."

The knight walked a pace away from the two, and used some absurd magic, kinda like Rolf's skill to go to the underworld, but the knight missed, and ran through the trees, but neither Ike nor his father noticed.

"Don't worry, Father! I'll get you back to the base, and then everything will be okay!"

It started raining, and when Ike picked up his father, he realized he was WAY too heavy. It took him over twenty minutes of insane dragging to get back to the fort, from a path that's a two minute walk.

"Ike…" started the commander

"What is it?"

"Forget revenge…live here in Gallia…in peace and harmony…"

"Don't say those things, Father! Everything will be okay!"

"…Could you at least pull my pants back up? Muds getting in between my butt crack; it's not pleasant…"

"Father, don't say those things, you're going to make it!"

Oscar was attempting an exorcism, when he looked out the window from the castle and saw the two, so everyone ran outside to help out Ike, but while they were all running, Soren tripped.

* * *

**yeah this is supposed to be sad, but i don't care! about soren tripping at the end, he actually does SOMETHING. i've seen it different from different files: he's fidgeted (or tripped), he's done nothing, he's randomly appeared somewhere else, and the most previous one i saw the other day was he jumped really high in the air. so it's worth checking out, although i'm still not sure what is going on, but anyways. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT CHAPTER? eh...i have no idea...! let's say it's THE WARD STAFF!! yay...**


	9. REALLY Bad News

**YAY i'm finally posting again. yes, i know, it's been like two weeks now; i'm sure you've all had mental breakdowns cause you haven't been able to read, but i have an excuse. i had three projects due in school, and then when it was over i was gonna post a couple days ago, but my internet was down for a while and just started again not long ago. but anyways, uh...oh yeah, i looked into the lethe and ike thing i talked about earlier and it turns out i was kinda wrong; there is no info thing i talked about, i was just referring to the A support, BUT it is still clear that something is going on, and the thing she says in the epilogue changes. also, i doubt this is true, but i think it is possible that tauroneo can kill ashnard, cause i wanted to see if he said anything if he just stood there, and they had a conversation, and tauroneo was saying some blasphemy about how he will change history and will be known as the king-killer. but anyways, that's all i can think to blab about right now  
**

* * *

REALLY Bad News!

_Ike had yet another one of his dreams, but it was longer than eight seconds; more like 34. It was more of a flashback to his childhood, as he saw himself as a boy with brown hair; before he became rebellious and bleached it blue…….He was dueling his father; ironically in the exact same spot he was stabbed by The Black Knight'. As a gifted young boy, he managed to dodge and land blows against his skilled father._

"_What's the matter, Ike? Think you're as stubborn as your mule-headed father?"_

_His father tried to attack, but Ike dodged, rolled directly behind him and struck at his back with a spiral twist in the air._

"…_YOU LITTLE PRICK!!" he shouted, as he punched Ike in the face. _

_Ike fell backwards against the ground; not moving._

"…_Ike, I see the beginning of a great warrior. Grow up big and strong…"_

_Ike felt a little dizzy at first, but managed to get up unsteadily after several seconds. Once he did, he began whacking his wooden sword against himself._

And thus is the reason why Ike is an idiot. No, he wasn't dropped on his head; like he bragged to everyone about; he was just brutally attacked by his own jealous father.

The Greil Mercenaries attempted to do a funeral for their less than alive commander. Oscar, Boyd, Shinon and Rhys were wearing black tuxedos and were carrying the coffin with their commander inside. Unfortunately, Oscar couldn't get a good grip from the top of his horse and dropped, causing Boyd and Shinon to drop it, and Rhys, who was on the opposite corner of Oscar, had the coffin fall on his foot. He screamed in pain, and then the coffin opened up, and then Rhys screamed even louder. Then, the dead body fell on top of Rhys in a position I will not go into details about, but it made Rhys very uncomfortable, and he screamed even more.

Once things finally worked out, they got the coffin at the edge of a cliff over looking a lake, which shone in the moonlight. Ike took the stand to say a few words.

"My father was a mercenary. He was the leader of a bunch of other mercenaries. He was…"

Ike stood there for several awkward seconds, then left the stand.

"I hated the commander!" shouted Soren on the stand afterwards. "He never showed me the respect I deserved, and he told everybody that my hobbies are talking to trees!"

"IT'S NOT?!?!" shouted Boyd, who quickly ran out of the funeral and back to the fort.

Shinon took the stand as Soren left.

"…uh…I can't get through this thing without my _'tea'_. Does somebody know where it is?"

"I have it, Shinon!" shouted Gatrie

"Excellent!" he chugged down many gulps. "…Nothing gets your through a funeral…like scotch!…Why does it taste so funny?"

"I peed in it!" shouted Gatrie

Shinon's eyes widened in disgust, so he turned his head and puked all over the dead commander's body. But Shinon spat out the last in his mouth, Rhys took the stand.

"…WHY AREN'T WE HAVING A FUNERAL FOR TITANIA?!? HE DESERVES AS MUCH CREDIT AS-"

"Rhys! You do know that Titania is a woman, right?"

Rhys stood there in complete shock, not moving at all. He attempted to mutter something, then waddled with his calves off the stage, but fell over having a mental breakdown.

"What are you guys doing?" shouted Mist, as she and Rolf came over the hills from the castle.

"We're having a funeral for Father," shouted Ike, "because he died!"

Mist went had a mental breakdown just like Rhys, and Rolf let out an extremely high-tone scream, which was so high-pitched that Oscar's contacts shattered underneath his eyelids; blood dripping through like red tears.

"MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!"

After everything that happened again, Rhys and Mist were rolled up in feeble positions, and Oscar had two band-aids over his eyes.

"So…" started Ike, "I guess things are done here then. Everyone's said something."

"What about that little dude over there?" slurred Shinon, pointing at Mia

"Uh, I guess I could say a few things. I didn't know the commander that long…"

She got up slowly; everybody was watching her awkwardly…even Oscar. She stood in front of the coffin and looked out at the audience, thinking of something to say. The audience stared…exactly like an audience from South Park.

"…This man was a great man! He saved me from the depth of insanity from within prison and gave me some real friends!"

Everyone still stared.

"This man, Commander………what was this man's name?"

The audience didn't respond still, but this was because none of them actually knew; everybody just called him Commander, the commander, or Father.

"…Was his name perhaps…Greil?" she suggested

"Where the hell did you get a stupid idea like that?" asked Ike

"Well…you guys ARE the Greil Mercenaries…so I kinda assumed-"

"Are you saying that my Father's name was a griel…like a cup? … You're saying my Father's name is Cup?"

"…Well…you guys are the Cup Mercenaries then-"

"Mia…get the HELL away from me before you anger me with your insults any longer or I'll……lock you in a room with Gatrie!"

Gatrie squealed with delight, but Mia ran back to the fort screaming for her life…or pride…something. But once things settled down again, the remaining mercenaries began digging a grave, with their hands, for the coffin. Ike counted every dig he made, but lost count at around 26. Once they dug eight feet below the ground, they filled the hole again. As Ike placed the last pile of dirt with his hands, he licked his hands clean and was ready to go back the fort…but saw that the coffin was still there, not underground.

"OH…who did we bury, then?!" he shouted

So they dug up the grave again, and realized they buried Rolf, but he was asleep, and not dead somehow. So the mercenaries finally did it right, and then Ike, Boyd and Oscar struggled to bring the commander's mighty axe to the grave. They stabbed it into the grass, and then Gatrie placed a flower necklace over the handle. They all stared as he girlishly giggled. After a couple minutes, Shinon, Gatrie and Rolf left, and then a few more and Oscar and Soren left. After about an hour, Rhys finally left, so it was just the siblings. They sat there for about an hour longer after that, when the sun began to rise over the lake. They kept watching, until the moment was completely ruined as Boyd ran in between them naked, as he was going skinny dipping. The siblings didn't even notice him, not even as he screamed cries of agony from piranhas attempting to eat him.

"…Mist…" started Ike, "The sun's rising, we better get back now…"

"…Ike…" she moaned slowly

"…Mist, it's not THAT much of a deal! I'm still here!"

"…HE'S REALLY GONE, IKE!" she sobbed uncontrollably

"…I KNOW that, Mist! I WAS there! GOD, I'm not THAT stupid!"

Mist continued her moping

"…Don't worry, Mist! I'll take control of the company, and we'll all be one big family again!"

So the two left, but suddenly the entire grave caved into the ground, and collapsed under the cliff and on top of Boyd.

"GUYS?" he shouted, "THE COMMANDER FELL ON TOP OF ME…AND HE'S ALREADY DECOMPOSING! GUYS?"

"So now what are we supposed to do?" asked Oscar, back at the fort

"Well," said Ike, "I suppose the only thing to do is to wait until we get word from Ranulf, and then we can finally eat!"

"…You know, he probably forgot, Ike."

"And besides," said Soren, "have you not realized that this is all that retarded princess' fault? She ruined our lives by not getting herself killed and brainwashed the commander to protect us, or something like that. Then, we had to go to Gallia, and we had to split up, and now because of all this, Daein's been on our tail and they killed the commander."

"So what are you saying, Soren?"

"KILL THE PRINCESS!!" shouted Rhys, as he ran by the three, and was holding a knife chasing Mist. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he screamed afterwards

"…Well, I guess now I am the new commander! Cause my father's dead! YAY! Something good came out of all this!"

"Sounds like a good idea to me," said Oscar, "I was always prepared for this."

"If this is what the commander wanted," said Soren, "then I suppose I'll have to live with it."

"I agree, too!" shouted Rhys, as he walked back into the room, "I missed the entire conversation, but I got a good idea what you were talking about. Yes…an anti-feminist organization, the perfect plan!" He maniacally laughed, and pulled out a knife and started chasing Mia around the fort as she walked in.

"I'm back!" shouted Boyd, as he came through the entryway. "Bad news: Shinon and Gaybo left us!"

"They did?...Oh…that was because of me, wasn't it?" asked Ike, who started to cry.

"SHUT UP, IKE!" shouted Soren, as he whacked him with one of his spell books. "No one's going to pity you anymore; you're a commander."

"sobbing, oh fine!" Ike stopped crying, and put on a face like nothing happened.

"…and the goods news," continued Boyd, "I hired a bunch of stalker merchants to follow us around everywhere we go. Oh, and Soren, I know you don't like people, so I got you a tree, but then I heard you don't like them, so…I couldn't take it back so here you go!"

He handed over small tree, about four feet tall; as tall as Soren.

"So, the merchants will leave unless they get paid, but the amount they expect is-"

But Ike didn't even listen, and offered the merchants almost all of their funds, and extra because he couldn't do math. So the group was down to their last 2500 gold, only enough to live on for three days, and even less for the many members they had.

"All right then, Ike" said Soren, "I'm glad you're serious about being the commander; there are a few things that you have to go over, which I'll help you with."

"Okay."

"As the commander, you should be able to know your troops well and communicate with them."

"…"

"You'll have to keep an eye on our financial budget-"

"Soren! Slow down, I can't keep up!"

"I told you two things!"

"EXACTLY!"

"…Fine! I'll do all the work, but I want some credit for what you do!"

"No problem!"

So Ike decided to go meet these merchants to see what they were like.

"Howdy!" shouted the large man with the beard and western accent, "I'm Muston! I sell weapons! Hee Hee! GOLD! GOLD!" he pulled out two pistols and started randomly shooting the ground.

"I'm Aimee" said some really old woman in a pink robe. "I'm in my 60's, but I look younger than am. I sell items!" she pulled out two pistols and started randomly shooting the ground.

"I'm Jorge!" said the guy with a blonde ponytail. "I buy items. People sometimes say my name wrong, but it's pronounced WHORE-GEE!"

"I'm Daniel!" said the last guy with a brown ponytail "I'm WHORE-GEE's twin brother, but we look absolutely nothing alike. I forge stuff, and I let you give your weapons silly names; like Gunblade, BigGoron Sword, Souledge, Keyblade, Blades of Chaos, Ragnell- but Ragnell's the stupidest name for a sword EVER!"

So within a matter of minutes, Ike spent the last of their funds on stupid items.

"Ike!" shouted Soren, "We're supposed to save that money for others things like food, not just weapons, and I'm in charge of the financial budget!"

"Oh, it's not a big deal; I only bought things we really need!"

"You mean things those stupid merchants told you that you really need?"

"…"Yes, but they're still cool! Look, Rhys I got you a **_WARD STAFF_**, a poleax for Boyd, who knows when that will be useful, and I bought some spells for you, Soren!"

Soren squealed with delight as he grabbed the stack of purchased books. The spells ranged from Wind, to Fire and a new one, Thunder! The last of the gold on very much not needed vulneraries.

As the morning went by, everyone went about doing their things. Soren was organizing his new spells, Boyd was using the pack of vulneraries to see what they tasted like, Rhys was running around the fort giving everyone wards, until he asked Oscar for the fourteenth time if he wanted some.

"Rhys! You've given everyone more than enough wards; so many that we all probably have cancer now! Just give me the staff and then maybe you'll calm down-"

"NO! I need this for experience points!"

Oscar tried to grab it fro Rhys, but he pulled it away and hissed at him. Oscar then pointed behind Rhys, and when he was looking the other way, grabbed it quickly, but this made Rhys grab onto his leg and get dragged across the fort; kicking and screaming at him. Ike decided to get some sleep for a few hours, hoping to get some word from Ranulf soon.

"Good morning, Ike!" said Oscar, as Rhys was still trying to grab the ward staff. "Did you get any rest?"

"Not really; it was only a couple of hours, but I was beside the window and got poured on by rain, and was too lazy to move. Also, I JUST realized that somebody drew on my face with permanent marker!"

"Ike, that was days ago!"

"Ike, I've got some REALLY bad news!" shouted Soren, who barged into the room.

"If it's as bad as you make it sound, I think I'd rather just not know!"

"TOO BAD!" he said as he grabbed Ike's face and put it in front of the window.

Outside were about thirty Daein soldiers. A general with brown hair caught Ike's eye, and he was scratching his butt.

"If I'm not dreaming again," said Rhys, "those are Daein soldier!"

"What gives, we're in Gallia aren't we… AREN'T WE? AAAAAAAAAH!" shouted Boyd

"If they've come this far, leaving alive must not be one of their intensions!" said Oscar

"Ike!" shouted Soren, "I checked the building, the only exit way is that little door right there, WE'RE TRAPPED IN!"

"Don't worry, we'll just fend them off long enough for Ranulf to come and save the day!"

"I'll formulate a strategy immediately, then!"

"Ike!" shouted Mist, "what's going on?"

"Mist, get back in your corner and think about…trees, until I get back!"

As Ike ran to get his swords, Soren was scribbling ideas on scrap pieces of paper. He rolled up over two dozen scraps and threw them away as Ike ran by.

"How's it going, Soren?"

Soren lifted his head up and screamed in frustration, then repeatedly whacked his head on the stone desk until he stopped moving and was laying in a puddle of blood.

"Keep up the good work, Soren!" shouted Ike as he ran back the other way; not even bothering to look.

So everyone ran outside with their weapons, except Boyd who took out his new poleax. Soren quickly ran outside with his books, and the fight was on!

The six split up into four teams: Ike and Mia as one to cover the west, Soren and Oscar to cover the east, Boyd to cover the south and Rhys ran around giving everyone wards. Boyd ran down the stairs and was greeted by six horse-riding knights. Two lancers charged at the lone fighter. Boyd countered with his amazing skills by slashing horizontally at both with one blow because of his poleax. Two axe wielders charged in, but Boyd ran to the fort wall and wall kicked in the air with a spin and cut one in half. While riding standing up on the paranoid horse, he attacked the second one, and was chased by the last two sword knights. Boyd leapt straight in the air, 360'd a kick at one of the knight's heads; so hard he broke his neck and fell off his horse. As Boyd landed on the second horse, he saw the fear in the final knight's eyes, jumped again in the air, made two full spins in the air and stabbed through his chest. But he didn't die instantly, and as Boyd was still spinning, cut through the body and landed swiftly on his feet. The enemy general saw all this, but still attempted to lay a blow on Boyd, yet Boyd dodged the javelin without breaking a sweat, and threw his axe several meters and He lifted his poleax on his shoulder and did a victory dance, but yet again, nobody was there to see it.

Oscar and Soren were faced with the hardest challenge of all; about a dozen soldiers consisting of generals, archers and mages. Oscar charged first and attacked the generals in the front, but their armor was too thick for his lance to penetrate.

'_**come on, host! You're pathetic if you can't even deal with a few human scum'**_

'_**SHUT UP!'**_

'_**I need you alive, so try not to suck!'**_

'_**LEAVE ME ALONE!'**_

'_**FINE! I'll do it myself!'**_

So Oscar's demon horse snatched his soul from his body, and his body fell motionless for a second. After a couple seconds of constant fidgeting, like a seizure of some sort, the Daein soldiers stood in fear of a repossessed knight; his eyes actually open to reveal a red glow. The new Oscar stabbed through the armor of one of the generals, and he kicked another ones helmet so hard, its head went flying.

"_Wow, those wards must really be getting to him!" _thought Soren, as he climbed onto the fort wall and released constant thunder spells down below, laughing maniacally. Lightning bolts were cast from the sky, and when they hit the group of soldiers and myrmidon making their way from the eastern forest, they screamed a loud noise, sounding kind of like "o-ol-lo-lo-lo-lo-o-o-o-lol-lo-lo-o-lol-ol-ol-ol". But as the two left their position from outside the first castle gate, a priest in a pink robe ran past the defenses, and came upon Rhys.

"Oh, hello there!" Rhys greeted, "You're just a priest, so I have no need to worry!"

But then, the pink priest pulled out a minigun and fired away at Rhys. Rhys dived to the side, screaming bloody murder, while avoiding the river of lead chasing him, but when he ran into a wall and got shot with a couple hundred bullets, he realized that they had no effect on him. This was because he had so many wards, they were affecting his defense and not just resistance, in fact, and they were also healing him. So Rhys took care of the priest by walking up to him, and the many wards completely disintegrated the priest into nothingness, **(A/N: Wow, that's a word)** and ran out of the fort to kill more enemies for experience. He saw about twelve hiding in the forest, so he charged in, disintegrating everything in his path, including the trees and grass in his path. **(A/N: I've been meaning to try that; let a priest run up to the green marker and see if you get a game over. I assume you do, because if you leave an opening anywhere on the map, the priest run towards it, even if he has to run all the way around the map, he still goes. And one time, I moved Rhys from covering the south and the priest was two spaces away, but things were going to good so I killed him, but somebody should try that and see what happens.)**

Ike and Mia were struggling to cover the west side; there was a battalion of fifteen soldiers; mainly lance-wielding, but there was also a variety of others. Ike was able to take on the most of them, most of his skill coming from the confidence of being commander. Mia stood in the back, cheering him on. When Ike mercilessly took on almost all of then, a girl with purple hair was visible in the back. She had a white cape and a skimpy purple skirt, but was fairly skinny and was shivering in the rain.

"You don't look like any Daein soldier I've seen before!" This was because all the Daein soldiers are men.

"I'm not a soldier, I'm Ilyana. I was just put in this battalion cause of my special traits."

"What are those?"

"I can eat anything!"

"…Really? What about those stone walls?"

"…AN-Y-THING!"

"Prove it, then!"

So the girl walk to the wall, and took a huge bite out of it, like if the wall was made of cheese…or something. Ike giggled and clapped his hands like an otter.

"If you I eat some more," she asked, "can I get some real food? I'm hungry!"

"Yeah, sure, EAT THIS SWORD!" he shouted as he handed over Mia's sword. She grabbed it and placed it on her tongue, then it slowly went down her throat until it reached the handle, where she chewed to get the blade down, and then swallowed the handle whole. Ike giggled some more and grabbed a couple more random things for her to eat, like a lance, sword powder, one of Rhys' robes, a vulnerary, and a few more things. After several minutes, Ike observed his surroundings and saw that reinforcements had arrived. The five other mercenaries, including Mia, had continued to fight them off.

Ike shouted, "Everyone! Back to the castle! Retreat to the castle!"

Even though things were going fine, it was the mercenaries duties to follow orders, even if their commander is an idiot. Upon retreating, it gave the Daein soldiers the upper hand, and they surrounded the whole castle completely. Boyd would've used his hidden skills, but there were people there and it was physically impossible, and Rhys' wards had lost their effect from such a long time. Oscar's demon gave his soul his body back, but his body was worked so hard he could barely move.

"You have fought well to stay alive for so long," said a soldier in the front, "but it all ends here. Finish them!"

"Ike!" shouted Mist, as she ran outside, "we're going to die aren't we? We're all gonna die!"

"Don't be an idiot, Mist, there' s no way I'm gonna let that happen! I made a promise to Father!"

"But you always break your promises!"

Ike stuttered and tried to think of a comeback, but gave up and whacked his sister, so she was knocked out.

"This is it everyone!" shouted Ike, "Let's do this!"

But then three loud smacks filled the air. The mercenaries looked and saw an orange cat and a blue tiger running through the enemy lines; pouncing from soldier to soldier with their claws digging through the flesh far enough to kill them.

"Is that why people fear laguz?" asked Ike

"You're nothing but a beast!" shouted the main soldier, as he swung his lance at the cat, but missed. The cat countered by pouncing from the front and scratched at his face until he stopped screaming. The few soldiers left ran for their lives, and when they were gone, the laguz transformed into their human forms. The orange cat was a girl, with a green tunic, wavy orange hair shaped like a ball, and tribal marks on her cheeks. The tiger had a heavy build, with massive muscles, a blue garb and teal hair spiked to look like a flame.

"So," asked Ike, as everyone went back into the fort, "were you guys sent from the palace?"

"We do," said the tiger, in a slow tone, "but we just walking by. Ranulf no tell us of you. I'm Mordecai, strong warrior. I 'armchair' laguz."

"…what?"

"You don't know that!" shouted the girl, in a hysterical tone, "he's a beorc, a human! You know all human's have two faces! AAAAAH!"

"Lethe, you are bad!" said Mordecai

"A beorc?" asked Ike, "what's that?"

"…I already told you! We mighty ones are laguz! You soft hairless humans are beorc!"

"Huh?" questioned Ike

"Lethe, King forbid we 'Xerox' beorc!"

"So what?" asked Soren, as he walked step forward from the crowd of the other mercenaries, "did you come all this way just to complain? He he! Silly sub-humans!"

"SCUM! Those who call us such names are an enemy of Gallia!!!!"

"Gruuu-go!" growled Mordecai, "He enemy! He enemy!"

"The only thing about you is how you conceit yourself behind your human forms, you silly, silly sub-humans!"

Mordecai growled louder, then fell on his hands and morphed into his beast form.

"MORDECAI!!" shouted Lethe, "KILL HIM!"

"I love these plays!" shouted Boyd, "there's just so much drama involved!"

Mordecai ran towards Soren, and was ready to pounce, but then Ike ran up; trying to be a hero, and leapt in the way of Mordecai. However, Mordecai didn't leap, and Ike landed flat on his face. He quickly got up and turned towards Mordecai.

"Man, you're really-" but then Mordecai pounced on Ike and completely mauled his face with his teeth and scratched all over his chest; blood spraying on the ground.

"……OW…" started Ike, "……slow…"

"You're nothing but a beast!" shouted Soren, as he ran in front of Soren and charged a wind spell.

"Soren! Stand down!" shouted Ike as he stood up. Soren obeyed

"Why did you stop me?...well actually, why did you tell me to stop? He could've killed you!"

"Soren, this injury is nothing; I'm fine! And besides- OH MY GOD!!!!" shouted Ike.

He looked down to realize that his tunic and the skin on his chest was gone, and all his inner organs were visible. Ilyana looked inside and drooled a massive puddle below her.

"Fine! You can have one!" said Ike

Ilyana reached far inside; lots of squishy noises were heard, and pulled out one of his kidneys. She ran to the corner and ripped through the kidney with her teeth.

"Lethe, Mordecai: I'm sorry for my group; we recently lost **a** member, and we aren't thinking clearly."

"Ike forgive Mordecai, so Mordecai forgive Ike"

"Uh… I didn't tell you my name, and I didn't forgive YOU!"

"I blundered too much, too!" shouted Lethe, "I forgot my mission!"

"Mission? Don't you mean…adventure?!!!"

"…no, MISSION!!!"

* * *

**And there it is! since it is SPRING BREAK, (well i don't know if it's the same in the US, it probably is) i'll probably have more time on my hands, unless i'm playing fire emblem. but I DO have a life, so i'll probably be going to a friend's house who's a ten minute walk away, like every day...to play fire emblem!**


	10. A Prodigy

**(A/N: HIIII! It's about time i posted again. I know it's been like three weeks, but there's been a lot of stuff going on, and if i explained it, nobody would really care. But i was writing in small bits, but then i checked what position it was yesterday, i was 89! so i knew it was time to update! So anyways, i promise now that updates will definiately be more frequent than now, cause these last two chapters have taken awhile to update, so anyways! that's about it. so yeah...**

* * *

A Prodigy

Once everything settled down, the laguz agreed to take the mercenaries and Mia and Ilyana to the palace, who knows why. Everyone packed their belongs, which was only weapons and vulneraries, but things were still taking an excruciatingly long time. As Ike walked around the fort with nothing to do, he noticed a few things, like Lethe screaming and chasing Boyd with a knife, Rhys depressed because he used his ward so much an anonymous voice said it broke, and it disappeared from his hands. Despite that, things were pretty calm, when Mist waddled past Ike with dilated pupils and a trail of drool falling behind her.

"Hey, Mist!" Ike said, "I thought you'd be depressed a little longer."

"Me too me too!" she shouted really fast, "but then Rolf came up and gave me these pills and now I don't even know who Father is and I think if I stop jumping up and down I'm going to die! Heheheheheheheh-"

"Well it's about time! It's been like, what, four hours?!? It only took me like twenty minutes to get over it."

"heheheheheheh, well I gotta go pack some stuff!"

"Yeah! get a move on, will ya!"

While Mist was hopping past Ike, he spanked her ass, but she was too stoned to give a rant on abuse, and just shrieked and continued her strange waddling down the hall.

"Good morning, commander," said Soren in an emotionless tone, "I got a report done on the past eight battles you have been in."

He placed the rather large stack on the window still beside Ike, but then Ike decided to set it on fire.

"Why did you do that?" Soren said, still in an emotionless tone

"I dunno, I wanted to see a stack of papers burn?"

"…why do I put up with you, Ike?"

"Probably because you have no life, friends, personality or growth hormones!"

Soren looked at the floor and walked away slowly.

Soon enough, the mercenaries were ready to leave the fort. The thirteen in all, including the merchants, made their way along the western coast. The view of two houses and a beorc-made castle were breathtaking to Ike.

"It's been a while since I've been to Gallia" said Oscar

"Is that so?" asked Ike

"Yeah, back when I was in the Crimean army making money, and when I left Boyd to take care of Rolf on his own, I was sent as a foreign soldier to learn more about laguz. Unfortunately, I was laughed at for my squinty eyes and was bullied by all the laguz warriors at the academy. Oh it was a rough time; being blindfolded with dental floss, transmuting that demon into my horse, them giving my hair a comb over…the list goes on."

"Is that so?"

"Oh, but I'm not the only one whose been to Gallia!"

"Is that so?"

"Yeah…Titania's been here, too!"

"Is that-"

"STOP SAYING THAT!" shouted Rhys, and whacked Ike in the head with his staff.

"IKE!" shouted Lethe, "we've been walking for ten minutes! You skinny beorc must need to rest!"

"That's not true! We're tough mercenaries, so we can handle a distance this long!"

But then Ike turned around and saw everyone completely covered in sweat; most of them were panting on the ground.

"I…smell thing!" shouted Mordecai

"Is that so? What thing?"

"Smell…is iron!"

"Oh, great!" shouted Soren, "that must mean there are Daein soldiers in that castle!"

"You know what their armor is made of?"

"…yeah?"

"That's really sad……Everybody who can hold a weapon, grab one!"

Everyone grabbed something.

"……I-I meant us mercenaries, not silly merchants!"

"Why can't we fight?" asked Daniel

"I dunno, but watch Mist and Rolf!"

And then everyone equipped their weapons, and began the battle shortly after. But before anyone could leave, Mist back to them on the road.

"Mist? What are you doing here?"

"I'm fighting!"

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, I can use a staff. I made Rhys teach me!"

"DON'T JUDGE ME!" he shouted, "she made me!" and he covered his face and screamed

And then Rolf came up, and was somehow three feet taller

"Rolf!" said Boyd, "why are you carrying that bow……and when did you get so tall?!?!?!"

"I'm fighting, too! I can use a bow!"

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, I'm a prodigy!"

"Is that-"

And then Mordecai mauled Ike again, because he wouldn't shut up…and Soren paid him. So then everyone assumed that the two would fight, just because, and they were off.

Everyone charged south towards the castle, except for the people who suck; Mia, Ilyana, Mist and Rolf, and Boyd was there, but he doesn't suck. Mia ran around dodging and attacking people, and with her round sword, it took many hits. Ilyana rained thunder down on people and Mist stood in the back waiting to heal some bruises. As the five ran down the path, they came upon a beach. Boyd took the first step onto the sand, but when he did, he could feel the power to be able to dodge attacks flowing through his veins, and he owned a bunch of soldiers. Meanwhile, Rolf stood behind everyone, trying his best to use his bow. When he shot the first arrow, it flew 90 degrees to the side and hit a tree. Rolf felt discouraged, and was about to give up, until his friends who like to burn things appeared.

"Leonardo!" shouted Rolf, "Michelangelo! Donatello! And…the other one!"

"Hey there, Rolf!" said one of the eight-inch tall turtles on his shoulder, "We saw you troubled, so we got here on the double!" Hehehe!"

"Yeah!" said another one, "we saw you were about to give up your skill!"

"I just can't do it!" Rolf replied

"Think of what Uncle Shinon would think of you now, Rolf!"

"Yeah! Why, he's right over there right now!"

One of the turtles was dressed like Shinon and standing a ways away.

"…I'm disappointed…" it said in a unenthusiastic tone.

"OH MY GOD! I let Uncle Shinon down! Forgive me!"

"You can still be forgiven, Rolf! But you must prove yourself to your brothers, and surpass them in stats."

"Uh-huh! And then once you've done that, YOU MUST BURN THEM ALL! BURN THEM ALL TO THE GROUND! BURN THEM IN THEIR SLEEP! BURN THEM! BURN THEM!"

All the turtles held hands surrounding Rolf and danced in circles singing some Satanism song, and Rolf realized his calling, and charged into battle like an idiot and attempted to use Shinon's techniques. His bow was a small piece of wood, but it was a bow nonetheless. He saw a myrmidon attempt to hit Boyd from behind, so he aimed his bow and luckily shot him the leg. Mia then came forward and whacked the swordfighter in the head at least a dozen times before he died.

Meanwhile, three homosexual pirates who had invisible boats came into the battle. Their motive was pointless, but before they could do anything, a large flapping sound filled the air, followed by the shrill voice of someone who does not speak proper English.

"…Mother of God…" said Boyd, "it's that Pegasus knight."

"How do you know about her?" asked Ilyana, "you weren't at that battle!"

"Neither were you!"

"…Touché"

And then Marcia flew in and whacked multiple times at the pirates, dodging all the attacks cause her Pegasus was intelligent enough to jump backwards. When they died, she flew around in delight, but was then struck by lighting and fell into the ocean.

Meanwhile, everybody else was heading for the castle. There were a couple of men in armor and some archers and soldiers, but it proved not a problem. Ike struck the first blow at lance fighter, but as Ike inspected the dead body, he realized something.

"Mordecai!" he shouted, "you said you smelled iron, but everybody here is carrying STEEL weapons! YOU LIAR!!!"

Soren and Oscar also charged through, followed by Lethe and Mordecai, but Rhys was behind because he developed a new fear of cats; now knowing some of them might be women!

"By the way!" shouted Lethe towards Ike from across the field, "you can yell one word commands at us and we'll do what you say!"

"Is that so?"

"Yeah! It's in case we do something stupid, like charge into battle when we're about to transform cause we're completely oblivious to the fact that when we transform we're vulnerable and we must follow a number equation based on when we can transform or not, cause if we don't we're told we'll die!"

"COOL! TARGET!"

And the two beasts ran to an area where Ike was thinking, and he laughed and clapped his hands like an otter.

Also meanwhile, Marcia made her way to the main group, and talked to Ike.

"'ello there, string beans!"

"Oh God! It's you!"

"Of course! I flew me flying horse all over 'de continent looking for thou!"

"Is that so?"

"Of course, rubber guts! Thy wish to be a member of 'yer group!"

"Really? But we're short on members…and you won't get as paid as much, and we're all really messy, and…"

"Doth thou not want me in thy group?"

"Not really. We're all going to commit suicide if you don't get rid of that accent."

"What accent?"

"…well maybe we could rip out your throat, or something."

"Anything to be with thy!"

"yeaaaaaaaaah."

So after Marcia joined, the rest of the main group destroyed all that was left, which were two mages. The halberdier guarding the entrance had a big hooked nose that could easily catch the eye, appeared really short and was bald. He also wielded a REALLY big lance, called a knight killer, and gave more damage to knights, but not Pegasus knights, in some unexplainable way. Lethe ran forward to give the first blow, and got smoked in the head really bad, but it barely hurt her at all. Everyone gave a blow to the soldier, and quickly retreated after they were countered and almost died. Eventually the soldier ran out of vulneraries and finally died by one of Soren's spells, and then the castle was theirs.

"I wonder why there are always these Daein soldiers in Gallia!" asked Ike

"Maybe there plan was not to take over Crimea, but to also take over Gallia, and then spread their territory until they controlled the whole world!" suggested Soren

"But wouldn't they run out of soldiers after so many battles and then not be able to control all this land so that whoever is still left will take it an massacre them?" asked Rolf

"Why are you people talking of a war that has not happened but will happen in a few days?!" shouted Lethe, "We must make our way to the castle!"

"How far is it?" asked Ike

"On skinny beorc legs, it is very far, but we do what we can!" and then Lethe and Mordecai took out some whips and started whipping the beorc so they'd run faster, and they made it to the castle in record time.

"Oh…my…god!" screamed the shrieking voice of the princess, "I like, totally heard what happened!"

"Well we're making it through…somehow" said Ike

"I like, totally know! You had to shave your sexy mustache, and now My Son Ike's father was killed!"

"Well, that permanent marker was pretty convinc-…wait a minute! IT'S YOUR FAULT HE DIED! I'LL KILL YOU!" and Ike charged and punched her temple, grabbed her head and smashed it against his knee, then twisted her neck and through her to the side.

"Is she dead?!" asked Rhys, hoping she really was dead.

"No, she's still alive!" said Soren, "very important people…except Ike…and Titania, aren't allowed to die. Instead, they attempt to continue fighting until Ike says something so stupid, it's intelligent, and they teleport out of the battle!"

"What about me?" asked Boyd

"Oh don't worry, Boyd. When you die, you'll just vaporize into thin air, so you won't die! **(YES he will!)**" Soren whispered to everyone else after.

Everyone made their way inside the castle. It didn't have walls, which gave a good view of the surrounding forest. The entire castle was shaped like a Mayan structure.

"COOL! Laguz don't believe in walls!" shouted Ike

The beorc followed the two laguz into the throne room, where a really big laguz with blazing red hair, like a lion, stood.

"Greetings" he said, "I am Caineghis, king of the beast! You are the son of Gawain, are you not!"

It was silent for a few seconds

"…I think he's talking to you!" Ike whispered to Mia

"Hehe, of course it is!" the king continued, "only one THAT stupid could be his heir."

"HEY! I'm not stupid; I'm RE-TAR-DE-D!"

"Is that so?"

"THAT'S MY LINE!"

"…Lethe! Mordecai! Get the hell out of here! And give the stupid beorc your rooms!"

"At once, my Lord! Lethe shouted, as the two departed

"Your fellow beorc can explore the castle."

"COOL! But I want a few to stay! Hmm…I want Oscar…Marcia…uh…and Soren."

"ME?!?!" asked Soren

"Oh, my mistake; I meant Rolf!"

Once the three were chosen, all the other mercenaries already had plans on what to do with the rest of their day.

"I'm gonna try and make some real friends with laguz, and try not to make a big deal about how I'm a better fighter than them!" said Mia

"I'm gonna see if these giant trees really do have plutonium inside of them!" said Ilyana

"And I'm gonna pull on random female laguz tails until I'm arrested and charged with harassment so I can discover what the laguz judicial system is!" said Boyd

"Anyways…" said Caineghis, "this is my shadow, Giffca," he said pointing to an identical darker-looking person. "Pay him no mind that you would the air!"

"You notice air? COOL!"

"Well, we have much to talk about…is that you Titania?"

"…No?" said Marcia

"Wow, you have really changed after all these years. I mean, back when you were sent as an exchange soldier from Crimea, you were really fat, but now look at you! And your horse finally grew wings!"

"Wow, Titania was once fat!" Oscar said to himself

"…heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, it's Oscar! How've you been… buddy? Is that demon still in your horse?"

"Oh yes, very much so"

"…and are you still latched onto it?"

"Yep!"

"Cool! So anyways, Ike, I want to boon you!"

"……WHAT?!?"

"…I want to boon you."

"ABSOLULETLY NOT!...Well…if you pay me, then we'll talk about it."

"Okay…I want to boon you with the princess."

"…I guess…that's a possibility."

"Good, cause Gallia can't do a thing for her, so you coming here was absolutely pointless!"

"Wait, now I'm confused!"

"I think we're going to be the princess' escort back to Crimea!" suggested Rolf

"……OH! I thought you said 'bang'! That makes MUCH more sense!"

"…you're a little freak, aren't you?"

"I think we've already discussed that, THANK YOU!"

"Great, so I think what you can do is go back to Crimea, make a suicide run through enemy territory and take a boat to Begnion!"

"All right! We're going on another vacation!"

So everybody in the room, including Giffca, danced like idiots, until Giffca took a shit, and that just ruined the mood.

* * *

**(A/N: so that's that. i'm gonna start working on the next chapter RIGHT NOW! well first i have to eat, so...i will work on it in FIFTEEN MINUTES!**


	11. A Thief and a Monk

**Hey, what's up! I posted the previous chapter like five days ago, but the stupid notice didn't pop until today. and i was quite pleased that so many people posted after like, an hour. but anyways, i don't have that much else to say, so READ! **

* * *

A Thief and a Monk

Later that day, the mercenaries prepared to depart back for Crimea. Everyone was set pretty fast, as it wasn't hard to find them in the palace, but they had to bail Boyd out of prison for what he did that day. When Boyd was getting ready, Ranulf came up to the group.

"RANULF!" shouted Ike

"…who are you?" he asked

"IT'S ME!"

"…oh-OH YEAH!...YOU!" he lied, "How've you been…you?"

"I've been good, and you can call me by my name"

"…yeah…well, the king asked me to give you this money"

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-ny!" said Elincia, looking at the sparkles of the coins, until her pupils dilated and had one of her seizures.

"Well, all of this is 20,000; about the price of the life of the princess"

"It is? But we have that much right now! I thought it would be more like…a billion or something"

"Well this is for HER life. I mean, she's so retarded, that her parents locked her in a dungeon. I mean, look at her!"

They both looked at her kicking in circles and vomiting on her face.

"She's probably worth less, but she's the sole heir left of the throne, so…"

"My uncle is like, dead?!" she asked as she quickly got up. She started sobbing, and attempted to stab through her throat, but shamefully failed, and then Ranulf punched her in the head so she'd stop crying.

"I'm quite surprised she came to that logic on her own!"

"Me, too!"

Shortly afterwards, Lethe and Mordecai came by

"The king is making us go with you!" Lethe screamed,"We must listen to the king, or we get brutally punished!"

Shortly afterwards, the two walked away

"Hehe, you must forgive Lethe; her tongue is as sharp as her claws; speaking of things that are…not true!...Excuse me one second." He pulled a cattle whip, spanked it against the ground, and walked in her direction.

After a couple minutes, Ike found Lethe leaning against a wall

"You seem…depressed" he commented

"Of course I'm depressed! And keep your stupid observations to yourself!"

"Oh, okay!"

"Stupid human! Not able to fight without weapons!"

"Well I noticed you have a dagger in the…thing in your leg! See, I'm clever!"

"This isn't for fighting!"

"…then what the hell is it for?"

"It's for cutting food into tiny pieces cause I'm too lazy to chew…but it's mainly for chasing creepy people who think I'm crazy!"

Ike was staring strangely at her

"What are you looking at?!?"

"Lethe…"

"WHAT?"

"……how do laguz do 'It'?"

"…this conversation is pointless, I'm leaving!" and then she left

"YES! She's falling for me! Soon…soon I will have her! BWUAHAHAHAH-"

But then a bowling ball fell on top of his head from above.

"……heads up…" said a voice about three seconds after

So the group, now including Ranulf, made their way back into Crimea. Once they were far enough through the border, an idea came to Ike.

"…Hey, Ranulf" he asked

"What?"

"Does Gallia have ports?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Then why do we have to go all the way back to Crimea just to get on a boat?"

"…You know, I'd probably have a good answer to that, but…LOOK! Look over there!" he said, pointing to a small building. "That's a prison. Chances are there are soldiers in there that your group could use!"

"Well actually, we've gotten about…eight new members…so not really."

"Oh, but I WANT to go in there!" he said, jumping up and down, flapping his hands

"FINE!"

And they did. The building actually went underground into a dark dungeon. There were a few soldiers on patrol, while the mercenaries planned how to get past them to free the prisoners. But then a man in a dark shirt and shaggy brown hair walk down the flight of stairs.

"…32,64,128,256,512,1024,2048,4096…hey you" he shouted, in a hush, hesitant tone, "I'm Volke. I need to speak with Gawain… 8192,16384…"

"He died!"

"Well then I can speak with his son, then…32768…"

"What do you have to say?"

"50 000!"

"50 000? What could that possibly mean?"

"14!"

"Huh?"

"8!"

"I think he expects us to pay for him to answer the question" suggested Soren, "but 50 000 gold is a lot of money, it would take time for us to get it."

"Then I'll just hang around until I'm paid…and COUNT things! 65536, 131072…"

"How can we trust him, Ike?" asked Oscar "You've known him for eleven seconds, he has a counting disorder, and he gives me the creeps!"

"Why should I listen to you, Oscar? I mean, you haven't done anything worth proving to be my commanding officer; even Soren's closer to being it than you! Titania would be it, cause she's a paladin, but right now you'll have to prove your better than Rolf, and that's something, cause he's an archer who takes on the role of Shinon the genius!"

"But I'm a knight just like Titania!"

"Yeah, but you have to look uber cool, too!"

Oscar sighed in discontent.

"Well I'm off!" said Ranulf

"You're not going to stay?" Ike sadly asked, shedding a tear

"Well…no. I have other things to do anyways, so…" and he left

So the group prepared for the stealth mission, and ran from behind the wall and into the main hallway, where the prison cells were. Ike took the first step, and when he did, a red light turned on, multiple sirens went off, and about two dozen guards came out of the multiple exits. The mercenaries ran back to the entryway, but Ranulf locked the gate!

"Ranulf! Open the gate!" shouted Ike

Ranulf was about to, but suddenly his short term memory kicked in.

"…Hi! I'm Ranulf!"

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" shouted Boyd

All the children and Boyd screamed bloody murder, but then the sound of a match being lit caught everyone's attention. They all turned their heads, but it was just Rolf smoking some pot.

"What? Don't judge me; I'm only six!" and he took several large puffs, but was distracted by someone talking.

" dot dot dot" said some bishop

"Gwarsh, I wunder what's gonna happen to me!" said a fat man in grey armor, and had incredibly thick sideburns, "All my friends were taken away, and they don't come back now!"

"Foolish fat man!" said a knight in red armor, "as a knight of the kingdom of Crimea, it does not matter what torture I might endure. Whether it be my eyes gouged out, being prickled in the belly with pinecones, or having rusty tongs used to rip off both of my-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAH! STOP IT!" the man started squealing like a little girl

"Help…will…come…" said somebody in blue armor

So after everyone clearing heard the people, Lethe transformed into her beast form, and leapt over an enemysoldierd back to her starting point; while cutting through the enemies back. She used the same maneuver again, but the soldier was too stupid to turn around and assume the obvious. She attacked three more soldiers, all still not getting any ideas, and then Mordecai transformed; who also used the same pointless technique.

Everyone else charged into battle with a war cry. Ilyana ran in the front lines, then had a boost of speed by running on the ground with her hands and feet, and then leapt on a soldier and ripped through his chest, the man screaming in pain. Other soldiers came up to help, but she snarled at them with red guts all over her face. Marcia kicked the side of her Pegasus to jump backwards into the air, but the roof was too low and she crushed her head. Mia was a bit behind, and she looked over a wall, trying to get their attention.

"Oscar?" asked Rhys, "What is that thing that the evildoer stands behind?"

"Uh…that's a pillar"

"But it's only three feet tall, and it doesn't even reach the roof! That's a pretty pathetic pillar!"

"Yes, I know!"

Meanwhile, Volke was standing at the first prison cell.

"Let's see" he muttered, "Lock is 28 cm cubed. Has two tumblars. Type 4 lock. Keyhole 1.67 inches. Need a…13.8 mm double-head; twist 137.8°, push 0.18 mm!"

Within a span of three seconds of muttering, he opened the cell, and took a few gold without anybody noticing, but so little it was enough to buy anything good, but he took it because he likes to count!

"Hey!" shouted one of the Daein soldiers, "there's a prisoner in there! Let's go mindlessly try to attack him because we're such sadistic bastards!"

The other three agreed, and the four ran in and horribly failed to poke the bishop with their lances.

"Who are you?" asked Ike

"I'm a bishop! I walked by a battle that finished, and healed all the soldiers that died, but they were Daein soldiers and they arrested me here!"

"That's some story! You should get out of here!"

"I'm fine where I am!" he said, meanwhile randomly moving his upper body to dodge the lances.

So the group continued their way down the hall, and came upon the second cell. Boyd grew impatient over a span of a couple seconds, and then crushed the gate with his axe. But instead of it breaking, it just opened like he used the knob. Ike ran in and saw the fat man cradling himself in the corner.

"Hey lard ass," he said, "we're here to rescue you!"

"Weally?" he said, "I'm not dreaming again, am I?"

"Probably not!"

"That's darn tootin'! I'm Brom, by the way!" and he stuck his hands down his pants and walked out the cell

Oscar came into the cell, and there stood another knight, also riding a horse in prison for some reason.

"We're here to rescue you!" he said

"That voice…" the knight muttered, "the squinty eyes…the green hair and armor…the horse… IT'S OSCAR!"

"Oh…it's Kieran…"

"Of course it's Kieran the almighty, the greatest knight that ever walked the earth. The ultimate shield some call me, cause I've never died!"

"Woot…" Oscar said without any enthusiasm

"But why are you here! No, you've turned your back on your country. I'll never forgive you for that!"

"Yes, of course we are."

"AHA! You admit it. I will always be my rival, Oscar. I was supposed to go on the trip to Gallia, but you took my place, and I will never forgive you for that!"

"Well, you should really be happy you didn't."

"AHA! I don't know what mind game you're trying to play. But you will never fool me! I shall join your group, who knows why; just because we had a conversation!"

"Awesome."

So Kieran trotted out of the cell, and Mia screamed and passed out on the spot, because Kieran wasn't wearing any pants underneath his armor, and it was so sore and bruised it turned a mango yellow color. Oscar's ass was also visible, but he just had very tight pants.

After that incident, everyone made their way up the stairs and into the next room. There were two more cells, and Volke opened one of the them, muttering more stuff. Ike charged in and saw a person in blue armor.

"Hey, dude" he said, "we're here to rescue you. Also, put some pants on; we don't have homosexuals in this group"

"_Uh oh…"_ Brom said to himself

"I'm not a guy; I'm a girl."

"EEEEEEEEEEW!!!!!" Ike screamed, and puked from disgusted. "You're like, the ugliest girl in the history of existence!"

"Oh…I'm Nephenee" she said, and she walked out of the cell and beside the other two prisoners, who were standing at yellow circle Ike imagined with his mind.

Just then, a bald fat general came out of the break room, carrying a steel blade. Somehow it was lighter than a iron blade, **(A/N: although I may be speaking 'nerd' here, but I did just finish my chemistry unit the other day. But steel is two iron atoms, or Fe2, so technically, it is heavier)** which was beyond anyone. He swung vertically against the ground and struck at Ike. He fell backwards, and the blade landed right between his legs.

Meanwhile, Volke opened another cell, but instead of a prisoner, there was a chest that was imprisoned.

"You poor thing," Volke said to it, "what could you have possibly done to get here?" He petted the chest, then opened it. A light shined out of it, and he found a medal.

"Could it be?" shouted Oscar "GIVE ME THAT!" and he snatched the medal from Volke's hands and ate it like a cookie.

He didn't feel very good, and his stomach started to rumble, but then he exploded in a pillar of blue light.

"What's happening to Oscar?" asked Rolf

"He's having a class change!" shouted Soren

"_**What have you done, fool! I'm not finished with you!"**_

"_**The hell you are! I'm finally free from you!"**_

"_**NEVER!"**_

The roof opened up, and the sky turned a magnificent orange

"IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!" shouted Boyd

All the children screamed, and Boyd got whacked in the head by Soren's book

"WHY do you keep getting the children worked up…and WHY are there children fighting with us again, Ike?"

"Shut up; I'm trying to watch the movie!"

Everyone, including the enemy soldiers, was watching as the different particles of Oscar's body fused back together. Oscar now wore shiny green armor, that was made with such texture that it looked like you could eat it, and it would probably taste like lime. He had a blue cape, a green helmet with a feather on top, and his horse was pure white; the demon vaporized from the class change.

"AT LONG LAST, I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!"

Oscar had never been happier in his entire life, but his happiness only lasted four seconds. He got off his stallion to feel the sweet ground again, but fell flat on his face. The deal was that since Oscar had been strapped to his horse for five years, the bones in his legs basically turned to dust; so he was a paraplegic and needed his horse still.

But while the enemy was still distracted, they got owned by the mercenaries. The only survivor was the fat commander, who was able to stop every attack directed at him. But then Ilyana caught up, and saw the large sags of fat drooping from his scalp, and she smacked her lips. She leapt on his head, and feasted through his scalp and inside the armor to the rest of his body. Blood began to drip through the cracks in his armor, until finally the uppermost pieces fell to the ground. The whole view was like a bird coming out of an egg, and it revealed Ilyana licking her fingers.

They were all about to go back, when Ike noticed there was an exit beside them.

"Wait a minute, if there are exits all over the place, why the hell did we have to go through all this!!!"

Nobody answered, and they all ran outside.

"Hey, you" greeted Ranulf, "you forgot your princess back at the capital, you know. Us beasts make big deals on littering trash, so don't do it again."

"I saw dead people" she slurred; one of her eyes looking straight up.

"You poor thing. I brought you somebody to cheer you up!"

"Yay!" she attempted to clap her hands

"Princess Elincia!" shouted Kieran, "for a while I thought our only hope of restoring Crimea was lost, but now I have never been happier!"

He stood in front of her, then made random noises with his mouth and tongue. The princess laughed like a child, and then he repeatedly punched her in the nose until it bled.

"What…what are you doing?" asked Soren

"Oh, this is the only way you can truly communicate with one of her intelligence."

"No, I meant the punching!"

"Oh! That was because I always wanted to, and I never could with people around!"

"We're people"

"Yeah, but not people who care"

"Hmm, good point!

A crowd gathered around the princess and they all began to punch her in the head until she was swollen and bleeding and puked all over Nephenee.

"She doesn't like you!" shouted Rhys

"Yeah, you're the new Mia!" said Lethe

Everyone laughed at Nephenee

"Yeah, you're the new me!"

"Shut up, Mia!" said Boyd

"Shut up, Boyd!" said Mordecai

So once everything settled down, the group continued their way through Crimea, searching for a boat.

"That's quite a crowd you're brewing there, Ike!" stated Ranulf. "First the thief, then the monk!"

"Don't forget the knight, the other knight, and Mia!"

"Oh yeah!"

The two laughed retardedly, and continued walking beside each other, until Ike walked into a tree and another bowling ball fell on his head.

* * *

** uh...guess what happens next chapter...ZIHARK!!!**


	12. Blood Runs Green

**I don't think i have anything to say, actually! Well...i drew a supercool picture in which i will post on devianart as soon as i find out how! but until then...probably nothing! **

* * *

Blood Runs Green

Port Toha was known as Crimea's westernmost town, even though it was surrounded by the ocean west and north, which meant it was in a corner. The company arrived and made themselves at home, doing stuff that they would usually do. The three laguz wore brown cloaks to hide their laguz traits. The town's population was seven, but to boost public appearances, they pretended to be working.

"Why aren't these peoples worried about the war?" asked Ike

"It's cause only the eastern side of the country is affected, and not here yet. DUH!" said Ranulf

"But surely they must have some idea!"

"Not really. No."

"Crimea has been a country of peace for many generations," quoted Soren. "These people don't know what it's like to live without peace, and they don't want to. They will do whatever they can to survive, and they'd laugh kiddily and drink whiskey while their neighbors crawl at their feet with gaping axe wounds and arrows through their ears. But maybe when Daein invades their town; their children puking their organs on the streets; burnt to the stake or their wrists or throat slit; their brains blown all over the walls and used to write subliminal messages…maybe then will they understand the peace they are given, but probably not."

"Wow!" said Ranulf, "the blunter he gets, the funnier he is! Well, I'm gonna go find a boat so you, and not me, can leave!"

"You're not coming with us?"

"As much as I'd like to…which isn't that much, I have better things to do!"

"NOOO! You must come, Ranulf! We're meant for each other! I love you! I want to get married, and have babies-"

"Ike, do you even know where babies come from?"

"OF COURSE I DO!...it has something to do with a bird…and smelling hair…and loud thumping noises that can be heard through your bedroom wall…"

"…great. Well I'm gonna go get that boat. So you should get ready!"

"Gnarly"

Since everyone was basically ready, they decided to talk to each other! Ike saw Kieran, who was whacking himself in the head with his axe head, Nephenee was staring at a wall, and Brom was looking in a bag. Brom seemed the most interesting, so Ike walked up to him.

"What's in the bag, Brom?

"Oh, it's nothing!"

"Yeah, empty bags are fun; you can suffocate with them"

"…OK! I'll tell you! This is my family! I found these rocks and named each and everyone of them! See, this is my wife, Brandine! And this is our lovely daughter, Julia Roberts. And… oh, you must think this is pretty foolish, huh?"

"It's not foolish, Brom! Those rocks represent your REAL family, so you're not a freak I have to ban from this group!"

"S-Sure…let's go with that…" Brom turned his back on Ike and tried licking the rocks clean of the faces and hair and clothes he drew on them.

Ike saw Oscar

"Hey, Oscar…whatcha doing?"

"I've been thinking about how we are supposed to fight the bird laguz!"

"FUNNY! I was thinking the same thing, even though we haven't even seen them yet!"

"Awesome!" **(A/N: If you don't get the humor in this, which you probably don't, whenever I have Oscar and Ike support, they get their B support in this chapter and talk about the birds, but their supposed to get it next chapter, so it's just random...well unless i'm crazy)**

Elincia was hiding in a barrel

"Whatcha doing in there, sweaty tramp?"

"I watch people! I've, like, totally never seen people live normal lives!"

"Well you can just keep doing that!"

After his few conversations, the company spread out into the main plaza of the town, when a bunch of Daein soldiers came to the town gate.

"Attention, people! There have been reports of a group of people making their way into this town; we will begin a full search immediately! But first…one of us have to take a piss!"

"Ike!" shouted Mia, "I just found out there are Daein soldiers at the gate!"

"I heard, stupid! You know, you are SO useful, you amaze me! Where the hell is Ranulf, anyways?"

Ranulf ran back through town and met up with Ike

"I found a boat! The only boat at the dock, actually! The captain's name is Nasir! You can trust him! How do I know…I don't…well I'm just gonna stand here for a bit!"

He started humming, when a stupid girl ran right into Ranulf

"Oh, I'm sorry!" she said, "I must see the Daein soldiers!"

"Oh don't worry about it!"

"AAAAAAAAH! Sub-human!"

"How did you know?!?"

"…YOU ACTUALLY ARE?!? I was just shouting blasphemy! Help! A friendly sub-human who hasn't done anything to me is standing right here!"

The other villagers surrounded Ranulf

"Whoa, it's a sub-human!" said some guy, "I've never seen one before, but for no meaningful reason, I hate him!"

He pushed him

"EEW! He's so hairy!" shouted a fat lady

"You didn't even touch him!"

"Yeah, I know!"

"STOP IT!" shouted Ike, "I won't let you hurt him!"

Ike grabbed Soren's book and began to whack one of the villagers in the head, until Ranulf came in

"Ike, what the hell is wrong with you?!?!?!?!" shouted Ranulf

"I was trying to protect you!"

"I don't need protection, I have super good stats, and I can't attack silly citizens; it would damage the reputation Gallia has with Crimea!"

"Hey, that retarded guy is talking with the sub-human without killing him!" shouted another villager, "They must be friends, and perhaps who the soldiers are looking for! Yoo Hoo! Soldiers, come have a look over here!"

"Uh…in a second!" he shouted, "he's still going!"

"Are you retarded?" Ike asked the villagers

"Well…no, but these soldiers told us stories of the king of Crimea teaming up with sub-humans to overthrow this country!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

"IKE!" shouted Lethe, "we shall have to fight our way to the boat!"

"Well, all right! I can already feel my blood running green!"

While the company prepared to fight, the enemy was given enough time to position themselves surrounding the entire village. The village's group of weak vigilantes were in the front lines; attempting to prove their worth to the Daeins. Everyone did the normal routine, and prepared to fight.

"Well, maybe I can a few soldiers to chase after me in a game of cat and mouse………although I am the mouse…" and he took off and three soldiers chased him out of the village.

"Whatta is going on?" asked the man from chapter 3 with an Indian accent

"There are mercenaries trying to run away. We can't let you leave!" explained the commander, who had a green Hitler mustache

The man ran up onto his ship

"You, soldier! If that boat leaves, burn it to the ground!"

"YES SIR!"

So after the conversation, the mercenaries prepared for battle. The village split into three pathways leading to the docks. The group split into different groups and attacked all the soldiers. The first group consisted of Marcia, Nephenee and Mordecai, because they aren't very important. The soldiers were so tempted to go after Mordecai, because they were sadistic bastards that go after the defenseless, but they could not penetrate his rock hard abs.

The second group had Oscar, Boyd, Brom, Kieran, Rhys, Ilyana and Volke. A large group of knights awaited them, but Kieran went on ahead to prove his might. He got struck by a knight, but Kieran chopped off the head of the lance. Then a knight on horseback stabbed him with his lance, and then a dozen snipers shot at him with their bows, and Kieran fell off his horse.

"Oh well," said Oscar, "nobody will really miss him, anyways."

But then Kieran got up from the pile of blood, pulled out all the arrows, then got back on his horse. The same thing happened a couple of times, until Oscar came into battle.

"Okay, why won't you die?"

"It is I, Kieran. I train everyday by attacking myself with various weapons. In fact, so much, that my skin has built an impenetrable armor all over my body. I AM A GOD! WORSHIP ME!!!"

And then there was the third group consisted of…everybody else. The main force of the village vigilantes gathered down the road. They wore the exact same uniforms as Daein soldiers, and were so weak, that Mia took on the most of them with one hit. Mist charged into battle and stabbed one with her staff; the man screamed in pain until he died of massive internal bleeding. But one myrmidon among the rest wore a purple tunic, had grey hair and a red saber. He ran after Lethe, as she cut through one vigilante, who vaporized from the intensity of heat released from her claws.

"You're a laguz!" he said, "I'm Zihark. I love laguz!"

"You call me laguz! Not sub-hu-"

"AAAH! You can speak beorc tongue in beast form? What's your name?"

"Grrr…Lethe!"

"You mean the River of Forgetfulness in the realm of Hades? That's a lovely name! I'm gonna fight Daein to prove how good I am!"

"I'M CONFUSED!"

So Zihark ran down the road; using multiple spinning techniques with his sword, that the Daeins were so intrigued by the blade, that they considered being attacked an honor on their behalf.

The mercenaries made their way towards the dock fairly fast. But then The Black Knight came out of a house.

"…Oh, damn it! I did it again! I really need to talk to a doctor about me falling asleep and waking up in random places!"

Ike turned to look at him

"…AAAH! IT'S HIM! IT'S THE BLACK KNIGHT!"

He just stood there, but then Soren did some calculations, and drew a chalk circle on the road.

"As long as we stay outside of this circle, The Black Knight will not be able to re-"

But then Kieran ran past the group and inside the circle, and the Black Knight ran to him and swung his deadly sword; Alondite. A red laser shot out of it and hit Kieran

"Hehe, that tickles!" and he trotted away, and The Black Knight followed

Unfortunately, the others were at risk of having their bodies explode from so much damage, so everyone ran for their life; with their hands above their heads and tripping over each other. As the chase continued, three wyvern riders came into the village.

"General Haar!" shouted a shrill annoying voice of the pink rider, "General Haar! General Haar! General Haar! Ge-"

"What Jill?" the blue rider with an eyepatch, "I'm taking a piss!"

"STILL?!?"

"What? I have bladder problems, don't judge me!"

"Well, I'm gonna go fight!"

"I don't think so!"

"But I haven't killed anything the whole trip! I THIRST FOR HUMAN BLOOD!"

"Yes, well we return to Daein tomorrow, so…no!"

"NO! I'm a rebellion teenager, and I will go kill something!"

So Jill flew towards the town gate, but did absolutely nothing. It was a sad site. Meanwhile, Marcia saw a wall and flew on top to be king of the village in her head, but saw the boat was not guarded and boarded it.

"Halo" said the captain, "Are you the mercenaries?"

"Uh…yes?"

"Then we go right away!"

And the boat began to sail away

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" shouted Boyd, and everyone screamed

"What are you waiting for?!?" shouted the commander, "Burn the ship to the ground!"

"But we can't!"

"WHY NOT!"

"We can't burn it to the ground; the water will just extinguish it before the flames reaches the ocean floor!"

"…oh…"

The Black Knight saw a perfect opportunity to hit Kieran as all the chaos was about, and swung his mighty blade.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHey I found a gold!" and ducked as the laser flew past him. "No wait, it's just a rat," and he stuck it in his mouth.

Meanwhile, the laser struck at green Hitler guy, and he died. But he was carrying a Master Seal, and it spun in the air. Everything went into slow motion, as it made it's way towards Mist. She stuck out her hand, but it landed in her mouth at such great speed, it fell right in her stomach. She felt queezy, and she exploded in a pillar of blue light. Everyone gathered at the glorious sight, even The Black Knight. She materialized as her new self and she class changed to…… a horse!

But then, the mercenaries realized that the boat was almost gone from the dock! The first group was lucky enough to be close to it, and leapt onto the boat. The second group charged with all their might; Oscar leapt across the ocean, Kieran leapt, too, but his horse didn't make it

"NOOOOO! Optimus Prime!" he sobbed

Brom leapt, but didn't make it, so Ilyana and Rhys used him as a stepping stone, and the boat's anchor grabbed a hold of him. The only one's who remained were the last group. Rolf injected himself with a needle, and a green pipe came out of the ground.

"Mamaia, Rolf! Come with us!" shouted a fat red plumber, and Rolf along with the rest of the group did. Unfortunately, Ike and Mist did not get inside the pipe, and they had to charge at the boat, which was almost gone from the port! Ike climbed on her back, but was sitting on his balls, and yelped in pain every time Mist trotted and he flew up and down. The boat was almost out of sight; they weren't going to make it! But then Mist jumped…and they did make it, but they ended up crashing through the side of the boat.

The Black Knight continues his move for the ship, but runs into Ranulf.

"I can't let you go near that boat!"

"A Gallian warrior; how cute!"

"You shall see the wrath of my king!"

"All the better; I shall learn the king's fighting style!"

"Hate to tell you this, but the king is not to be determined by my fighting!"

"…Okay!"

Ranulf used the laguz technique by leaping behind The Black Knight and went through him, but did no damage! Just then, his short-term memory kicked in.

"…Hi! I'm R-" and he got smoked in the face

"You fight impressively, but you are no match for me!"

Suddenly, a green ball of light appeared above Ranulf's head. The weird bishop from the prison stepped forward.

"Who are you?" Ranulf asked

"Run away!"

"I'll give proper greeting next we meet, If I remember!"

And Ranulf ran off, and then an archer, who looked like Shinon without a ponytail, came out of a building

"Don't pursue the mercenaries!" shouted the bishop

"We must pursue the ship!" shouted the sniper

"Don't"

"Must!"

"Don't!

"MUST!"

"DON'T!"

The Black Knight screamed from the pressure, and curled in a feeble position.

"D-D-Don't!" he shouted

"General Haar! Gener-"

"Still going!"

"FINE! I'm going to run away forever!"

As the wyvern rider flew south, the sniper interviewed two villagers.

"Was there anyone named Elincia in the bunch?" he asked

"Well, they said a couple names…uh…Mia…Julia Roberts…Mariah Carrey…Boyd…"

"Close Enough! We shall pursue them now! Somebody put these people to work at the hardest physical labor possible!"

"Why?"

"How else can I repay two people evil enough to sell their own princess!"

"NOOOOO!" shouted the second one, and the two were taken away and put in single file with the rest of the villagers. A soldier stood in front of them, turned on some music, and began to instruct aerobics. The villagers screamed from the hard work of attempting it, until one gave up and stabbed himself.

"Yay! We lived!" shouted Ike

Everyone on the boat started to celebrate, until the captain came on deck.

"Hey! You're that man that stole from me! Get the hell offa my boat!"

"Hey! You're a laguz!"

"Oh? You say laguz1 You friend! How do you know? I hide myself so well!"

"Easy! You have stupid hair!"

"What's that mean?"

"Well, CLEARLY all laguz have terrible hair…take Ranulf, he wears a…Eskimo Hat! Lethe is a ball and Mordecai is a burst of fire…and The Caineghis was a……lion… and look at you… you're just really ugy!"

"Oh, okay! Good enough for me! Let's party!"

"Hey, who's driving the boat, then?" asked Soren

"One of my workers"

"I haven't seen anyone on the boat so far"

"……Oh God I forgot them again! Excuse me!"

So everyone continued to party, until Rolf got so high he ripped off his tunic and started break dancing, and then Ike knew no more……

* * *

** Just making fun of bad endings everywhere right above!**


	13. Laguz Lovers

**Heeeey guess what? i finally got my new computer, in which i am writing from. i think i mentioned that got it awihle ago, in which i paid for it, but still needed the desk, and i set the whole thing up ALL BY MYSELF! but anyways, i was a little behind in por2, in which i call it for short, cause por is path of radiance, and r2 is ridicule, so... anyways, that's all!**

* * *

Laguz Lovers

The following day, everybody felt terrible. Most of them were seasick, or dehydrated by the hot sun. Ike was staring off at the nearby shore, when Soren came by with a report.

"We are officially out of food!" he shouted, "it's been 16 hours, and the trip is supposed to take two months!"

"So?" asked Ike, "What's the big deal? We'll just resort to cannibalism! But we better deal with that skinny one first…"

"Ilyana?"

"Right…Ilyana…" Ike said as he quoted with his finger

"Sure…well you better go check on everyone to make sure they aren't doing something stupid. Last I checked Ilyana was eating through the boat, Rhys was abusing Brom, and Boyd was using our precious fresh water to wash his socks."

So Ike made his rounds about looking at everyone. Oscar was sleeping, and so Rhys and Ilyana were poking his paralyzed legs. Boyd was soaking his socks in each of the barrels of water for an exceptional clean feeling. Lethe was chasing Zihark with a knife, and Brom was also chasing Zihark; trying to get a hug. Mordecai was humping Marcia's Pegasus, and all she could do was yell at him to stop. Rolf was shooting his arrows at a random tree growing in the ocean, as well as keeping an eye for any Daein soldiers who might crawl up the side of the boat and ambush them **(A/N: That's TWO stupid supports! With Marcia and Mist, I think both B)**. Ike ran below deck and saw the stalker merchants, all staring and blinking in rhythm.

"_We'll eat them first"_ he muttered to himself

Meanwhile, Volke was hiding in the shadows, counting.

"What are you doing back there?" asked Ike

"…3…1…4…"

"Are you okay?"

"7…7…7"

"Stop counting! It hurts my brain!" Ike hit Volke in the head

"Sev-ev-ev-ev-ev-ev-ev-" he repeated the chant, which made Ike run away after realizing he broke him.

In the next room was Mia and Nephenee. They were rejected by everyone else, so they hid downstairs

"…I hate people…" said Nephenee

"Nobody wants to be my friend…"

"I hate everything!"

"I hate everything, too!"

"I hate you!"

"I hate you, too!"

The two stared at each other, and then they started to make out. Ike took a step in, then walked back out before anyone saw him. Slowly Kieran crawled down the walls in the nude… doing who knows what

"…Wow!" he shouted, starling them "This is really…really awkward!"

Ike ran back on deck. He looked out at the shores. He thought about stuff, and realized that he must get stronger so he doesn't scream like a little girl next time he sees The Black Knight.

"This is a sign!" he shouted with his finger in above his head, "I must get stronger…but first I must get smarter!"

"Well, maybe you can have more bowling balls dropped on your head!" suggested Rhys, "They seemed to help you when we came back to Crimea, and you weren't THAT stupid to those villagers; you didn't kill anyone or take off your pants!"

"Then it shall be! Somebody drop some bowling balls on my head!"

As soon as he finished his sentence, Soren already dropped one on his head, but he didn't hear what Ike said at all. About twenty more fell on Ike's head, and he felt smarter already. His head really hurt, and he felt really dizzy. Nasir yelled at him to grab a green kid. Ike did and pinned him to the ground

"What are you doing here!" he shouted

The kid said nothing

"Not talking, eh? Well…maybe this will change your mind!" and Ike pulled out a bag of marbles. "Talk or I'll stuff these up your ass until they come out of your mouth!"

"AAH! Okay I'll talk!" the kid shouted, "I'm Sothe! I'm a thief, but even though it is my role in life, that is not why I'm here!"

"And why are you here?"

"It is becau…uh…" he startled to come up with a lie, "I'm……looking for somebody!"

"Is that s-" another bowling ball fell on his head

"Ike!" shouted Nasir, "since I don't have a crew, maybe I should make him work on my ship for a couple weeks when he dies of hunger and dehydration because I worked him so hard and never fed him!"

"Noooo… I'll take care of him!"

"Fine!" and he went to go draw on the wall, and nobody was manning the ship.

"Hey Ike," started Oscar, "do you… see anything weird in the sky?"

"Well, not really"

"Ike… the sky is up!"

"Oh okay!" and Ike saw a herd of about twenty black birds chasing the ship

"AAH! What are those 'things'?"

"I HAVE NO IDEA!" shouted Boyd

"It's called a bird!" screamed Soren

Everyone on deck stared at him

"What? Has nobody ever seen or heard of a bird before?"

They all nodded

"Fine! A bird.. is a thing… that can fly… in the air"

"WHOA WHOA WHOA!" shouted Kieran, "You lost me already!"

"Same here!" shouted Brom

"Shut up, Brom!" shouted Nephenee

"Shut up, Nephenee!" shouted Mordecai

"Shut up, Boyd!" shouted Lethe

"I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!"

"You did now!" said Nasir

"Why aren't you manning the ship?" asked Ike

"Oh don't worry. I have things under complete control!"

The ship crashed into the shore

"Well… except for that!"

"The birdies are gaining on us!" shouted Mia

"Then we shall fight them!" shouted Ike, and he took out his sword, but he lost his grip and it went flying and hit Kieran in the head.

**(paragraph divider)****(A/N: I just found out a while ago that my amazing paragraph dividers have not been seen on the website, so I have to like do it in words so…yeah…)**

"ka-CAW!" shouted a bird, "Boss, you sure did good to lure them into that dead end!"

"Of course I did!" shouted the blue bird, "And my name is Seeker!"

"Oh yeah!"

"And yes, my plan WAS brilliant! It took almost a century for us to move those rocks in the way of the ship, but we finally tricked somebody into here! They must have like… a retard on board, so this should be a snap!"

"ka-CAW!" shouted the bird again, and a couple of ravens surrounded the ship from all directions for a direct attack!

**(paragraph divider)**

"Sooooren!" shouted Ike, "What can you tell us about the birdies!"

"Well… they are extremely fast for some weird reason, as they do the stupid maneuver the beast laguz do. They are weak against the power of wind, I can't really explain that… and they are also weak to arrows, but I also don't see how that entirely works, as even though it may pierce their wings, any other attack would work just the same, because it's not like just because they fly it increases their defense or anything."

"Ohh" sighed Zihark, "I don't want to hurt laguz; I'm a laguz lover!"

Wow, so am I! Are like sword wielders all laguz lovers or something? Mia, do you love laguz?"

"…they're okay!"

"Oh okay, then. Everybody move out!"

So the main strategy for the mercenaries was to move to one side of the ship and throw everything they had at the birds, then when it died they would quickly run to the other side. The ravens were also not smart enough to fly over the mercenaries, as they flew too low to the ocean surface. The first three proved to be no challenge, and they dropped a large amount of garbage. Eventually, Rolf grew impatient and wanted to deal with birds of his own, as he was an archer. He climbed onto the balcony and attempted to jump towards the shore.

"Rolf!" shouted Oscar, but it was too late

Rolf fell over the side, giddily shouting as he did, but then a loud smack was heard as he hit the ocean. But that was because he hit the ground below the water, which was five inches deep. How the boat moves is unexplainable.

"Look at me, Oscar!" shouted Rolf, jumping up and down, "I'm Jesus!"

A loud rumble shook the boat

"Rolf! Get out of the water!"

"I'm Jesus! I'm Jesus! I'm J-"

But then a giant fish jumped out of the water and swallowed Rolf whole. **(A/N: Don't' worry; Rolf is too cool and important to die… unlike some people…)**

Just then, the pink girl on her green wyvern flew into view of the boat

"Finally, I caught up to them! I shall take on the entire mercenary group of about twenty and own them all with my weak stats! Huh? They're fighting a bunch of flying sub-humans! Disgusting! I shall aid them!" and she flew towards the boat.

**(paragraph divider)**

Taking on all the birds was proving to be quite a challenge for Ike and the mercenaries. The birds were amazingly fast, with their technique of diving at their enemies, then flying back to their original location. With about ten at the boat, it was proving too much, because the best warriors were having their problems; Zihark had problems attacking laguz, which he loved. Boyd had his axe stolen by a crow, Kieran was riding Brom because he lost his horse, Optimus Prime. The only ones in the heat of battle were Oscar, the laguz and the mages, while Nephenee, Sothe and Mia sucked at killing birds, and Marcia was diving too far from the boat, then flying back to get healed by Rhys, then flying back out. But then the wyvern rider flew onto deck.

"I'm Jill. I'm a Daein solder, but I have decided to help you from being slaughtered from these sub-humans, so afterwards I can kill you!"

"Well, the first part sounded okay, so what the hell!" and Jill became a new distraction for the crows. She was rather slow, but carried a special item which created a force field around her and reduced damage by only laguz. This gave the mercenaries the advantage and they slaughtered the birds without any casualties. All that was now left was Seeker, the leader.

Seeker flew towards the boat, calling for reinforcements as he did. Soren and Ilyana took care of the birds from afar, as Seeker flew on top. Everyone screamed because of him. Seeker thought it was because they were afraid to die, but it was because of his mutated blue feathers.

"EVERYONE!" shouted Ike, "Throw stuff at the monster until it dies!"

Everyone grabbed their weapons and hurled them. Seeker got pinned to the ground by the variety of swords, lances, books, and Mia. He struggled to get up, but then somebody tossed Brom, and he completely crushed the bird.

"And that's the end of that story!" shouted Ike

"But the boat is still stuck!" shouted Oscar

"No problem! I'll just go on shore and go exploring! That way I won't have to face reality!"

"Ike, you can't! That's… oh I'm gonna go… do something!" shouted Nasir, and he ran inside his cabin.

Three identical soldiers dressed in ragged clothes approached Ike on the shore.

"This is Goldoan territory! We don't allow foreigners in here!"

"But I just want to go on an adventure while somebody else deals with the difficult conflict my other adventure is in!"

"Beorc problem not our problem! You've been warned!" and they transformed into mighty red dragons.

"Cease this at once!" shouted a midget with a spherical hair style

"HAHA! You're a laguz!" Ike laughed

"…Who are you?" he asked

"I'm Ike! My ship got stuck! Give us a hand!"

"……Oh I'm sorry! I've never been directed in such a way"

"Well that's not my problem! Will you help or will I have to kidnap you so my crew can eat you later?"

"Oh well my fellow countrymen can move your ship! Dudes, move that damn ship!"

And then dragons flew behind the boat and pushed it with all their might

"There! They said your ship suffered no damage and is completely free!"

"Did they really? They haven't said anything to you, and the boat didn't move at all!"

"Yes, well… as a prince I know such things!"

"Yeah whatever. Give us some food, too!"

"Okay. Gareth!" shouted the prince

"Yes, Kurthnaga!" replied the stiff red laguz beside him

"Gareth, give these nice beorc some food!"

"At once, my lord!"

"Is there anything else I can give you, Ike?"

"Well I guess that's everything"

"Excellent. How about you stay for the night!"

"Well… we kinda wanna go!"

"Oh, but Goldoa never gets any guests. But my father would never allow it. But I'm also a rebellious teenager!"

"Ike!" shouted Boyd, "get back over here! Nasir says we have to go as soon as possible!"

"Oh okay!" Ike replied, "I must flee!"

"Well, I hope for the best of your trip, Ike!" he turned around and Gareth was standing there

"Gareth, why haven't you left to get food?"

"…Oh, you were talking to me, my lord?"

"YES!"

"Oh, sorry!"

**(paragraph divider)**

"What a strange thing that has occurred," said Ike as the boat sailed out of view of Kurthnaga. "For some weird reason, Nasir disappeared when he saw those dragons… Soren disappeared, too."

"IKE! You're talking to ME! And I never left!"

"Shut up, Soren! I have a lot of thinking to do, like what will we have for supper!" Ike continued to look at the sun that was slowly setting over the horizon. "I know! We'll eat Mist! She's a horse, anyways, and it's not like anyone will miss her!"

So for dinner they pulled the horse she had become and roasted her over an open fire on the boat. Everyone sang and laughed like faggots as they let the memories of the annoying Mist fade away.

**(paragraph divider) (A/N: oh yeah, I must give credit to flamingdoritos for this paragraph, because she'll hurt me if I don't… I'm just kidding… about the hitting part)**

That night, when everyone was asleep, Rhys felt uneasy in his bed. He continued to roll back and forth, so he lit a candle and tried to think. As the fire glowed across the cabin, Rolf was sitting in a chair beside his bed, covered in water, spit, and seaweed. Rhys screamed in shock.

"…Rhys…" started Rolf, "…where do they go?"

"…Uh…well, when people die, they start a new life in a wondrous place called heaven, where they-"

"NO! I mean where do the bodies go when people die! They just disappear!"

"Uh…hmmm…" and Rhys attempted to think of something, but couldn't

**(END OF THING I GIVE CREDIT FOR)**

Oscar also felt uneasy in his bed. Something about not sleeping on his horse made him feel better, but then he felt something fuzzy in his sheet. He sat up straight and patted all over the bed, and felt hair and something wet. He lit a candle and saw the head of his white horse. He gasped, then heard a rustle in the corner. A wind blew his candle out, and the moonlight shown through the window on him.

"Who's there?" he studdered

There was another rustle in the corner

"… Kieran… Boyd…… Optimus Prime?"

A large shadow flew across the room, and then a horse walked into the light at the foot of his bed.

"…M-Mist?"

'_**Noooooooo'**_ said a familiar voice

Oscar lifted the sheets over his mouth, and then tried to scream for help, but there was no denying fate.

* * *

**Oh yeah! Goddess of Dawn comes out in 21 days! WHOOOOOO! i should probably get a wii, but i'll probably just go to a friend's house and never leave, as long as i play it!**


	14. A Prostitute Child

**Guess what? Goddess of Dawn comes out in 18 days! I am so stoked! But if it does come out, on June 1, then I probably will be too busy playing that i won't write, so... just a warning!**

**Oh yeah, and if you got two alerts for this chapter, because you were so nice to make me a favorite author, i removed this chapter before anyone reviewed cause i wanted to change something, so that's it! **

* * *

A Prostitute Child

The following day, nobody felt too great. Ike had decided to have a dozen bowling balls dropped on his head everyday, so he could improve his performance. Everybody else continued on with their daily routines, except Oscar, who was up later than usual. He was riding Mist's body as a horse, and his legs were fasten to the body yet again, but nobody really cared. Ike began to wander around the ship to check up on everyone again, but as he went down below deck, Aimee ran up to him.

"Hiya Ikee" she shouted in a nazal voice, "I saw you fighting the other day."

"Oh hey...you..."

"Oh and you were so brave when you took on that bird!"

"The what now?"

"I saw one of them birds. It was unlike anything I have ever seen in my entire life! One was tired, and you killed it!"

"...Okay, I don't think I even killed ANY birds, but I rather do think i heard some shrieking noise that was so high-pitched it could break glass, which is probably what killed it."

"Huhuhuhu... you are SO funny when you're coy!"

"When I'm what now?"

Aimee walked away, continuing her laughing, when Ike ran back up deck and saw that Jill was flying behind the boat, and then Ike got a little suspicious.

"Why do you keep flying behind us?" he asked

"Uh… I can't tell you"

"You aren't calling for reinforcements because you can't handle us all on your own, which you haven't done when you said would because you have terrible stats!"

"There's more to it than that… Have you ever wondered why only Daein has Wyvern Riders?"

"Not really. I always thought they… except you, were super strong fighters."

"Not really… you see, wyverns have had a reputation of… having really bad gas."

"Oh it can't be that bad! Compared to Oscar's horse… or Brom?"

"Way worse… well you can witness for yourself; Sir Henry just ate."

The green wyvern clutched its arms, then let out a ridiculously loud fart; sounding like a dying goose, and the gas shot at Mordecai, who flew off the boat. Everyone gasped for air from the horrible smell, when several more gas attacks came, and everyone struggled to dodge the waves. Most of the people passed out or had hallucinations; several more puked on the ship, all except Rolf for some reason. But because of peer pressure, he took out some cocaine from a hidden sac in his quiver.

This continued on for the rest of the day, with constant farting that created a grey cloud above the ship. Eventually the farting stopped, but then it let out a terrifying yelp in pain. It took a shit, which came in bullet sized bits, and they all shot at Rhys. He took several hits in the chest, then fell over like he was shot; his robe ruined. The only ones who were not effected entirely by the cloud were Jill, Ike and Soren… and rather Rolf. As it neared late afternoon, a group of green Pegasus Knights flew towards the ship. Soren greeted them, then went to go look for Ike. He heard him in the washroom.

"Ike!" he shouted; banging his book at the door, "get outside! Some people want to talk to you!"

"In a minute, I'm shaving!"

"… Ike, you're 19, you've never grown one, and through this entire adventure since I arrived, you've never had any hair on your face. You are incapable of growing one so let me in!"

Soren barged in, but Ike was shaving, but not his face. Soren starred in disbelief

"You… shave your legs?"

"…no?"

"…I'm just gonna pretend I never saw this… so get outside…"

So the two ran on deck where the knights were.

"Greetings," said a brunette knight, with no emotion in her voice, "I'm Tanith, the leader of-"

"OH COME ON!" shouted Ike, "WHY are there so many women fighting in this war? I thought that men were the fighters in this era! And yet there are so many women, they like outnumber the men! It's anarchy! And I for one-" but then a throwing axe hit Ike in the back of the head. He turned around and saw Boyd.

"Bonzaaaaaaaaa" Boyd shouted, and then passed out on the spot

"…Anyways," continued Tanith, "we heard this is the escort carrying Priness Elincia. We are here to escort her to the capital of Begnion. And besides, I don't think she should be here under these conditions with that damp cloud above the ship."

"No problem, we just gotta find her. You know them princess; always doing something stupid."

So Ike and Soren went to go find her, but to no prevail. After 20 minutes of searching, Soren realized something.

"Ike, I really think that we probably forgot her back in Port Toha!"

"Yeah I guess that makes sense, you know, with me not going into a ravage state and trying to kill her or something."

"Well the only thing I can think of is to find someone who can pretend to be her, and maybe she is somewhere on this boat but like… suffocated or something."

"But who could we choose? Everyone is too doped up to listen, and Jill would NEVER agree to this, so that leaves…"

"…Ike? What are you doing?... Ike, there's no way that's happening!!"

…**(A/N: My new paragraph divider! Worship it!)**

So when the two came back on deck, Jill's wyvern was going at it again on the Pegasus knights. As Ike ran up the stairs, he tripped, then announced, "Heeeeeeeere's the princess!"

And Soren came up, with an unhappy look in his face, poorly dyed green hair, and an orange dress that was WAY too big for him. Tanith just stared.

"……Excellent. We shall take her immediately."

"You SO owe me!" Soren whispered at Ike as he walked past him

"What's that, monkey? Have a nice time!" Ike waved at Ike, when an ugly Pegasus knight in blue armor ran up to Tanith.

"Ma'am! There's an invasion at the Apostle's ship! We gotta go and save her and-"

"EEEEEEEEEW!" shouted Ike, "You're not even a girl, and you're in the Pegasus Knights! And you're also wearing a bra, you little sick ass thing!"

The boy covered his nipples, when Jill's wyvern had another of it's attacks and shot at the knights. Several died because they jumped off the edge of the boat to survive, but cracked their heads from hitting the shallow concrete flooring.

"Oh no." said Tanith, "we must save the Apostle, but my team is dead. Somebody must help."

"Ike" said Soren, "if we save the Apostle, she shall be under our debts. We must do something!"

"Excellent thinking, Sorencia. Yes I'm gonna call you that from now on until something better comes along. We shall fight these intruders, because WE COULD ALL USE SOME EXERCISE!" he suddenly shouted at the group, and they slowly got up.

Ike shouted at Nasir to sail towards the Apostle's ship. But Nasir was also drugged up from the cloud, and crashed into the side of the boat. The Apostle's boat was stuck in the middle of the two other boats. The mercenaries ran outside, but there was no invasion, but the Apostle's guards just stood there, and the unknown pirates just stood on their ship, too.

"You'll never get on this ship!" shouted a guard in red armor.

"We'll see about that!" shouted a yellow axe-fighter.

"They're having a verbal argument. That is SO cool! Let's get involved!" shouted Ike, and the mercenaries prepared to jump onto the other boat.

"AAH! More pirates!" shouted a guard, and he threw a Molotov cocktail through the window. Explosions burst through each separate window of the ship, and the boat sank.

"What the hell was that for! We're your allies!"

"…oh… that makes sense……… Sorry!"

"Oh it's not a big deal; IT'S NOT MINE!"

So the group made the best of the situation and prepared to fight.

…

The pirates charged onto the Apostle's ship, and killed all the guards in a snap; except two.

"…lousy allies…" and then Ike yelled gibberish and the mercenaries defended the cabin.

Meanwhile, the leader of the pirates was the man who looked like Shinon. He stood in the corner like a loner, when two ravens flew into beside the boat.

"Naesala!" he shouted, "We are getting beaten badly. Why aren't you helping us?"

"Oh come on now, old chum," the dark raven said, touching his gelled hair, "if you only pay us more gold, then I'd surely lend you a hand." He giggled, then took out a mirror and looked at himself.

"Grrr… fine I'll do this all myself!"

So the mercenaries continued fighting their way towards the sniper. They split into four groups; the first was Marcia and Jill, who took on the ravens that flew in from the corner of the battle wall limits. The second had Boyd, Zihark, Mia, Rhys and Mordecai, who charged onto the enemy ship from the left plank. On the middle was Brom, Ilyana, Nephenee and Rolf. And finally on the last was Ike, Oscar, Kieran, Sothe, Soren and Lethe. An emo girl in grey armor held a bow and shot plunger-tipped arrows.

"…Lousy female…something……Hey, you're an archer!" shouted Ike, "Then you must be wise like Shinon! Why don't you join our group!"

"…Anything to flee from this dank pit of despair and death and"

"AWESOME! Another archer!" and Ike danced across the ship and ran into a blue armored man.

"AAH! It's Gaybo!" he screamed and cowered on the floor

"Teehee! Hiya Ike! I'm glad to have run into you! I thought about it for awhile, and I decided I wanna be a part of the Griel Mercenaries again!"

"…Oh, well you see, we kinda… replaced you."

"What?" he asked, shredding a tear

"Yeah. We got that fat guy over there to be the new guy in armor… there he sees us. HI, BROM!"

Brom waved, but couldn't support himself, and the plank broke and then he fell off the plank into the water. After hearing the news, Gatrie ran below deck and stuffed his face full of anything he could find down there, which was just about everything from utensils to children. The group continued fighting there way towards the sniper, who had a longbow, but for some stupid reason, it gave less damage then normal bows, which is entirely NOT normal. **(A/N: I'm not sure if this is a common fact, but real longbows do more damage then regular bows, which was how the Mongols owned everybody when they ruled**). He shot two arrows at Ike, who dodged them, and they hit Oscar's horse in the head, yet it still moved. Ike came up with a brilliant idea to surround the guy so he couldn't attack, and it surprisingly worked.

"NO! It is immoral for me to even think of attacking from one space away! Curse you!"

So Ike, Oscar, Kieran and Lethe took turns attacking the sniper until Soren grew impatient and threw a fire spell at him, which made his body explode.

…

"Oh," said Naesala, looking at his nails "the old chum has failed, hmm? Well then steal all the treasure that have been conviently placed on the deck for us to steal, yes?"

"ka-CAW! Yes, sir! We shall rob them all!" shouted a raven

"Ooh!" exclaimed an old raven with a cane, even though he was flying, "I really love you, nestling!"

"Senile old fool! I am not a nestling!"

"Ooh! You will always be my nestling; from that time I saw you in that egg, and you had an egg piece stuck on your feather tail. It was the happiest moment I can think of in all my life!"

"…Idiot", then Naesala quickly took out his mirror again and checked his hair.

As the crows charged towards he treasures, Marcia and Jill tried their best to stop, but they completely got trampled, and a group of four flew to the ships.

"Hurry up, Sothe!" shouted Boyd, "Get those damn chests!"

Sothe tried his best to get as many as he could, and the group had to throw more stuff the birds to stop their attack. It was not much of a challenge now that there were two archers, but more reinforcements were on the way.

…

"Janaff! What the hell do you see!" shouted a hawk with his shirt opened up

"WHAT?" shouted the Jewish bird

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU SEE!"

"UH… I SEE TWO BOATS… BIRDIES ON IT AND… A BUNCH OF HUMANS!!!"

"…But of course… there must be a meeting going on between some humans, and they are accompanied by their pet birds! Ulki, what the hel-"

"AAAAH!!! Don't yell, sir!" screamed the big-nosed bird, covering his ears, "It hurts!"

"…okay" the leader said softer, "What the hell do you-"

He squinted in pain, but listened to the sounds.

"… Humans shouting, 'We're all gonna die!'… 'Nephenee, go stand in the corner'… 'Shut up, Boyd!'..."

"…But of course… there must be a double agent meeting going on, discussing the uses of an atomic bomb! We must flee the area before we turn into a raven! OOH, did any of you like my racist joke? Come on, somebody!"

"WHAT?"

Ulki twitched, and then the three flew away, but Ulki crashed into the tree growing in the ocean.

…

Once all the ravens died, Naesala put away his mirror to see the outcome of the battle.

"Oh, well… if only I got paid more I'd surely lend a hand… oh well, what are a few lives to us?"

"Well, actually, sir, Kilvas has a small population so… it matters quite a bit."

Naesala stared at him, then pulled out a knife and stabbed the soldier in the throat.

"Unless anyone else would like to complain, let's go!" and the remaining ravens flew off.

Just then, Tanith flew towards the ships with her knights.

"WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG TO GET HERE?" shouted Ike, "We already killed everyone!"

"The enemy is defeated? Another victory for the Pegasus Knights."

All of them cheered unenthusiastically.

"Ma'am," shouted the boy knight, "The Apostle is missing!"

"Idiocy. I am tired of dealing with the little slut. Somebody get me my royal booze." The boy did and she chugged it all down.

"We should go look for her!" suggested Rhys

"Okeydokey!" shouted Ike, and everybody split up to search different areas. Some people abandoned ship to see if they could see somebody standing in the water somewhere. Eventually, Boyd started chasing a little girl with purple hair and a red dress.

"Boyd! What did I tell you about harassing Mia?"

"Nothing!"

"Exactly! Continue!" but then Ike saw that it was not Mia, but a little girl.

"Hey! We should probably throw this prostitute girl back in the cabin before somebody complains and accuses us of child abuse!"

"What are you poor people doing?" shouted the girl

"Whoa whoa, settle down, bitch. We'll bring you back to your herpes carrying mother, soon. Just first we gotta make sure nobody sees us when we chuck you down the stairs!"

"I can't take this any longer! Release me from your poor hands!"

"What? You can talk! Unbelievable!"

"I AM THE APOSTLE!" she threw her cape over her shoulder, and then Soren walked in front of her. He was twice as tall.

"You found the apostle. Excellent work" said Tanith, "we shall take the princess with us."

"Go on, Sorencia!"

But then a barrel shook repeatedly on the enemy ship, and Kieran took a look inside. It was Elincia.

"HOW does that work?" asked Ike

"I dunno, maybe the enemy knew they had her, yet they pursued us for some weird reason…"

"Oh well, as long I am not in any kind of trouble, I am A-Okay!"

Ike laughed retardedly, and then smacked the princess in the head with a frying pan, for old time's sake.

* * *

**OH YEAH! Caitlin, you must draw Sorencia, or else I WILL TRY! and it might not go well! **


	15. A Boring Place

** Hello. I know it's been awhile since I last posted, but that's because I realized when I was typing that I did not remember much about this chapter, so I wanted things to be clear so I started yet another file in Path of Radiance. Oh by the way, I'm not sure when I last pointed this out, but I have beat the game 13 times, and I have two files that are halfway through, WHAT FUN! So the next chapter might be up reletively soon, but we shall see; I work tomorrow, so... YEAAAAAAH! Oh yeah I almost forgot! Uh... when you review, could you like actually say an actual review, if you understand that? Cause it seems to me that some people are doing like one-word reviews and are posting because they feel they have to, but I want actual reviews, so I can see ideas I can drop if they aren't good and whatnot, so DO BETTER REVIEWS!...please..  
**

* * *

A Boring Place

Begnion was the largest country on the continent, which took up almost all the space, while all the neighboring countries surrounded it's borders. It was very big place, but did not use it's space efficiently, however. The entire country was pushed together in the capital city with no name. A large tower that was on an island very far from the capital could be seen in the distance, and the government did not stay in a castle, but a temple, called the most boring name ever, Mainal Cathedral. It was also a boring shape. There was always a very slow organ playing that could be heard all over the capital through speakers placed everywhere, which drove many people to insanity and suicide. The fact that there was nothing to do also drove people to suicide. These reasons were why there weren't many people in Begnion, and why the army sucks, because all the good soldiers committed suicide.

As Ike and the company went inside Mainal Cathedral, everybody went about doing what they did best; do stupid things. Ike and Elincia followed The Apostle into The Big Room.

"Now then," she started, "let's get down to business. You claim to be the princess of Crimea?"

"Yes" the princess said

"Do you have any proof of that?"

"Yes"

"What is it?"

"Yes"

Ike whacked her, because she wasn't following the script given to her, yet she could not read.

"We do not have proof!" said Ike as he took over, "but I believe her!"

"And why's that?"

"Because anybody random person in our age who claims to be somebody as serious as being the leader of anything, such as a country, organization, the Jews, must be true!"

"Oh really?" The Apostle thought of a clever plan to hit Ike in the back. "Well then… I claim to be the princess of Crimea."

"Okeydokey!"

Ike just stood there, then a buzzer went off.

"Oh! It's 1 o'clock! Time for your 1 o'clock beating, princess!"

"…wha-"

But then Ike pulled out a cattle prod and struck at The Apostle, who flew across the room with her tiny body and spazzed from the shock in a pool of her own blood.

"Sacre Bleu!" shouted a french guy who looked like a chef, "Breaking rule #1 in the Begnion Law Book: striking at The Apostle with a cattle prod. The only suitable punishment…… IS DEATH!"

"Cease this at once!"

"Huh?... grrrr…" and the guy sat down, and scratched the back on his head with his leg.

"Now Ike, I see where you are coming from, and I must say that I knew she was the princess all along?"

"You did?"

"Of course. Practically every front page of _Royal Family Daily_ shows her doing something stupid!

She lifted an edition, which showed Elincia's head stuck in an oven.

"Oh hohohohooh ohhooooooooooooooooo… you almost had me fooled, Apostle!" squealed some hideously ugly fat bastard, who's fat sagged across his face.

I screamed, then ran for his life, but ran right into a pillar.

"Y-y-y-y-yes…" said some old guy, and possibly a child molestor. "I was very fooled by your joke, ma'am Apostle. Yes……mmmm…"

"Hehe, you can relax, princess. We won't do anything harmful to you………yet."

"Blasphemy!" shouted Ike as he got up, then ran into the pillar again.

"Now then, shall we continue on wi-"

"Whoa hold on there, you…… you" but Ike couldn't concentrate with the organ player still playing boring music, so ran towards him at the end of the room, grabbed his head and repeatedly banged it on the keys, canned him a couple times, then threw him in one of the pipes at the top of the organ, which made it explode.

"Now then… YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND MAKING FUN OF THE PRINCESS! YOU INSULT HER AND LAUGH AT HER SPECIALITY! YOU'RE ALL HORRIBLE PEOPLE, SICK HORRIBLE PEOPLE, YOU (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) OF A (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) AND A (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) PARKING LOT!"

(A/N: I'm too lazy to think of insults!)

The three men beside The Apostle gasped, and the French one tried to punish Ike with death again, but The Apostle lifted her hand.

"Now Ike, I see where you are coming from, and I must say I know I am "only four years old", and I may be "a complete whore", but I am NOT a midget!"

Ike growled and walked out of the room, when a piano fell on top of him

…

Ike continued to mutter, when he finally noticed Soren.

"…Ike, isn't a possibility that The Apostle saved you?"

"Why?"

"Well, I looked through the Begnion Law Book, and EVERY SINGLE punishment is death. That might be another reason why the population is so low."

"Meh. Perhaps."

Ike started picking his nose, when Oscar trotted into the room. His horse whinnied frustratingly.

"What's it's problem?" Ike asked

"Oh, her name is Mist."

"Mist, eh? That name somehow sounds familiar…" Ike looked out the window, "OH RIGHT! It's that stuff on a foggy day!"

"Well, we've been here five minutes, and we've seen everything already! The company is complaining, and the children are upset because there's no sugar in sight."

"NO SUGAR!" Ike crawled in a feeble position. "Just take me now!" he stuttered.

"IKE!" shouted Marcia, "We were offered a job by The Apostle!"

"WOO HOO! A job!"

"Ike, were you even-"

"Of course I was, and I shall gladly accept!"

…

"WHY didn't somebody tell me it was a job from The Apostle?"

"I did!" shouted Marcia

"Did not. I'm the leader, therefore I'm right! MUWHAHA I'm Nazi bastard!"

"Crackers, Ike is acting just like my older brother! He has become addicted to gambling, and gambled his virginity. Since then it's been homosexual friends and pink carpet wigs."

Nobody was even listening to Marcia, as everyone was focused on the job. They were to find a group of people with boxes, kill them, and bring the boxes back to the capital. An immense fog had came earlier that day, but had gotten even thicker and harder to see through. The entire company slowly walked through the bridges that connected the many islands in the river, when Gatrie pointed out that Astrid wasn't with them. She was on another bridge, looking down at the water, and thinking thoughts of ending her emo life. She fell forward, but a loud smash was heard from her hitting the rocks in the shallow water.

"What the hell is she doing?" asked Ike

"Her name's Astrid!"

Ike laughed psychotically for several minutes straight.

"…hehe… Trid! That's too funny an ending for a name!"

Meanwhile, Marcia decided to stay away from the group, when she saw a lonesome knight standing near a bunch of houses. He rode a mule, and had hideous orange armor, and literal rug hair. He was trimming his fingernails.

"Oh dear, I did not hope for there to be such dreadful fog. How will I ever pay off my debts with money I use to gamble now? Oh well, I can always take pictures of Marcia and sell them to my homo friends, because she looks rather like a man… more of a man than me, anyways."

"BROTHER!"

"W-who's there? You'll have to face my delirious fighting skills!"

He charged, missed, and somehow cut himself in half.

"Brother!"

"M-M-Marcia…… how could you kill your own brother?"

"I didn't do ANYTHING! That was you!"

"Ah… touché."

And then he died.

(A/N: Makalov is too big a fag to even get a part in this story. But from trying everyone at least once in the game, I'd say he is like actually one of the worst characters there are. But one time he attacked Marcia and got himself killed, which made me laugh so hard)

Once the group continued across the river, there was a beserker in purple fur, and two grey tigers, who were brainwashed to only kill people with high blood sugar… AKA Ike and the company! The group of about 25 proved the three opponents were no challenge, and claimed their reward, the boxes.

…

"We're back!" shouted Ike

"Speaking out loud, eh?" said the French guy, "the only suitable punishment is DEATH!"

"Are you actually going to kill me, or just say that whenever I do something?"

"…I don't know!"

So Ike went to The Big Room and met with The Apostle, she was with Tanith and a green Pegasus knight.

"I got you those boxes!"

"Well done, Ike!"

"I must ask what were in those boxes!"

"Those are not for you to know!"

"And why's that?"

"Because you're not a noble! Nobles have last names and not just first. You are Ike, and I am THE APOSTLE!"

"Well what about Tanith? She's-"

"Do I make myself clear?"

"NO!"

"Get him out of my sight. And make sure you wrap up those boxes in the nice wrapping. I want to have brought the best birthday presents!"

The green Pegasus knight took him outside.

"I'm Sigrun; the even bigger commander of the Pegasus Knights. I don't like violence, and dislike yelling, so I say everything in a soft voice."

"Yeah that's great. But right now I have to plot some childish prank on The Apostle… hmm… oh of course! I'll just send Gatrie to her ro- Oh wait, she's a whore! I forgot!"

…

Meanwhile, in some desert place, I think it's Goldoa, four beasts were running. They ran to a fort, where two dragons were. Five birds flew out of the sky, and everybody transformed.

"Thank you all for coming to this laguz meeting! I am The Black Dragon King of Goldoa! You may know me because I personally fought off against the dark god, oh not to brag or anything!"

"We have much to discuss!" said Caineghis, "as we all know, Daein invaded Crimea, and is planning to attack Gallia. We-"

He turned his head, and saw Lethe and Mordecai standing there.

"Why the hell are you two here? You're supposed to be in Begnion!"

"OF COURSE WE ARE, MY LORD!" and the two ran off.

"I have something to say!" said the king of the hawks. "Earlier today me and Janaff and Ulki were flying by two boats, and there was an exchange of an atomic bomb going on! This must be discussed!"

"Oh I can explain that, Tibarn of the Hawks!"

"Naesala of the Ravens?"

"That's right! I was skipping through a field of flowers, when the wind picked up the sounds of that specific fight. I heard that the princess of Crimea was on board, and some pirates and a sniper who looked like Shinon were in need of my help!"

"Whoa whoa whoa! THE Shinon! I thought he was an urban legend!" shouted Tibarn

"Anyways, back to the point of the meeting," said the dragon, "What shall our actions be?"

"Hey, we're not done here, old man!" shouted Tibarn, who continued talking to Naesala, "But Janaff and Ulki gave me clear details of what was going on. I even gave each of them surgery to increase their accuary; Janaff's ears for Ulki's eyes! How could it fail?"

"WHAT?" shouted Janaff

Ulki was twitching on the floor from the loud noises ringing in his ears.

"I agree with Tibarn!" said a white heron

"Reyson of the Herons?"

"Yes. I trust Tibarn, so Tibarn must be right!"

"But what about me, Reyson?" whimpered Naesala.

"Oh don't worry, Naesala. Someday when you're old and dying and are in need of somebody to look after you, then you'll feel my joy. Not now, but maybe soon; you're starting to wrinkle."

Naesala screamed and took out some lotion, and everybody concluded that the meeting was concluded. So everybody left, while Ulki was still twitching on the floor.

* * *

**The time has finally come! Next chapter is STEFAN... and Tormod! Yay... stefan's cooler than Tormod, but Tormod's still a good character. And Muriam... what the hell does he do?**


	16. A Desert of Weapons of Mass Destruction

**YAY another chapter fairly close to the other one! I only have one big thing to say. From what I've seen from one or two reviews and a bunch of friends, apparently some people think that Rolf is dead. Well... he is not dead, he is not a ghost. He is alive. I thought that was fairly clear when I wrote in the author's note (He's not dead, Rolf's too cool to die... unlike some people), so just trying to get that out in the open... yeah not sure if it's working! But enough of that! It's reading time! WOO!**

* * *

A Desert of Weapons of Mass Destruction

Amist a tiny island with no plants or animals on it, just ravens living on a giant rock, flew Reyson of the Herons into the castle, which rested on a plateau, which if collapsed would cause hundreds of deaths by the falling building landing on the sharp stalagmites and sharks that swam about.

"Prince Reeeeeeeeeyson!" shouted Nealuchi, "Prince Reeeeeeeeeyson! Prince Reee-"

"Enough!" shouted Naesala, who shattered his looking mirror on the stone wall. "Foolish man… never had any friends, and breaks all my precious valuables… Old Man, get the hell out of here!"

"Ah, of course, nestling. I'm sure you to have much to talk about."

He was about to fly out of the room, when he flew back to Reyson's side.

"I'll be in the backshed… if you want to catch up" he whispered, then flew off laughing.

"…Naesala, why did you provoke Tibarn of the Hawks yesterday?"

"Tibarn of the Hawks?"

"Yes, Tibarn of the Hawks."

"You flew all this way just to ask me why I provoked Tibarn of the Hawks?"

"Yes, I did."

"Oh all right. I did provoke Tibarn of the Hawks yesterday. Well I could tell you why…"

He was silent for several seconds

"…So will you tell me?"

"Ah, yes. I said I could, didn't I? Well, maybe when you can finally lift your own arms I can tell you."

"Oh come on! It's not my fault that herons are born with absolutely no muscle mass… except for in their wings... what's with our wings, anyways? How come they grow on top of our clothes, and there aren't just holes for them in our backs?"

"I really don't know. Mystery of life. Well you probably want to go home now!"

"Yeah." And Reyson flew out of the castle.

Naesala attempted to repair his mirror, when a servant of his barged into the room with a terrible look of fear in his eyes.

"SIR, A GROTESQUE SACK OF LARD IS SLIDING ACROSS THE ISLAND AND IS MAKING ITS WAY FOR THIS CASTLE!!!!!!!!!!"

"WHAT? Tell everybody to go to battle stations, and- OH WAIT! That's just Oliver! Let him in!"

The fat man from Mainal Castle attempted to slide through the door where Naesala was. Black feathers were stuck to his mouth.

"Oh hohohohohohohohohooooooo… do you have the paintings, you tasty raven?"

"Uh… yes of course I do."

"Oh, but I think I want something else, now! That thing that just flew out of here! I want that!"

"What thing?"

"Oh you know quite well what I'm talking about!... hohohohooooooo…"

Oliver suddenly let out a smoky fart, and the vibration caused the entire castle to fall. Hundreds of ravens were killed in the massacre by sharp stalagmites and sharks that swam in the river below. Evidentally, as Soren predicted days ago, very important people respawn somewhere else, and Naesala and Oliver respawned on the road where the castle was.

Despite all that happened, all that was going through Naesala's mind was "_**Oh God! Please let him be thinking of Nealuchi... and not me!" **_when it was quite obvious Oliver was thinking of Reyson.

…

Ike was called back to meet The Apostle the day after the job. She gave him another mission, to go deep into the desert and kill everyone they find. Ike accidentally agreed again, and then walked outside, but outside the door was the entire company. Boyd stood in the front representing a leader.

"…Ike!" he started, "We feel that we are being left out of the main plot of this story… I mean life! We want to have some participation in whatever the hell is going on, and we want it now!"

"Uh… we got another job… we get to kill people!"

"YAY! Come on, everybody! Let's all go get ready!"

"What about our 100 gold?" asked Kieran

"I'll give you your 100 hundred gold when you GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

Everyone muttered and left the hallway to get ready.

…

The desert was a desert. Not much more to say. The group was greatly slowed down, because the sand was really wet, yet it was a desert. A short person wearing short pants, and in an orange cape that covered his face stood before a pile of ruins.

"You'll never beat me and my tribe! Kill all the noble scum!"

He let out a warcry and patted his mouth like a native to initiate which call it was, and a group of about fifteen laguz consisting of beast and bird came out of the sandcastle fortress. Ike and the crew took out their weapons and prepared to fight, when Mordecai took a step forward and his tailed swepped across something purple buried in the sand. His tail caught on fire, and he ran around screaming and crying like a little girl from the pain. Rhys pulled the decorative axe out of the ground, swung it around and accidently whacked his head, yet it had no effect on him for some reason. Several more of these weapons were found hidden in the sand, and everyone except Lethe and Mordecai wielded them and prepared for battle without thinking once about the logic of why the weapons hurt laguz. One by one the laguz charged and the body parts that reacted with the weapons, literally exploded from so much pain. It was a gruesome sight for Zihark, who pulled back and sobbed in a feeble position.

Meanwhile, Lethe attempted to avoid the fight in case somebody like Boyd mistook her for a laguz and would cause her entire upper body to combust, so she ran around a hill and into a smaller section of the desert. She heard a rustling noise, and easily saw a man with green hair and a bright purple coat walking sideways. She just blinked, until he walked sideways towards her.

"I'm Stefan the hermit! What's your name!"

"…You think you're a hermit?!?"

"Why yes, of course I'm a hermit. Can you not tell by the way I walk sideways like the rest of my family, and I flex my arms everytime I move? Although I can't really explain why I know English, but who cares!"

"…Right. Well don't let me ruin your… life."

"Oh it's no bother. Me and Vague Haati here were about to go on our honeymoon!"

"Who?"

"Why, my lovely bride right here!" he pointed at his sword

"…Well, it's nice to know there are some people actually crazier than those beorc I travel with!"

"You know more people! I must meet them! Perhaps me and Vague Haati could kill some people; he really likes that!"

"…He?"

"Why yes! Now let's go!" He walked sideways flexing his muscles and Lethe questioned whether she should follow or kill him right there.

After no struggle at all, Ike and the group came upon a green tiger who blocked the entryway to the sandcastle. He wore a special band, which minimized the damage by the ultimate weapons of destruction, so everyone had to resort to using their aerial weaponry. Only a handful of people attacked; each taking turns to avoid exploding, too, by the tiger's excruciatingly sharp fangs. More stuff was found in the sand, like some books, swords, and a lovely pair of boots. Soon enough, Ilyana cast the last bolt of lightning down on the laguz, and his legs collapsed below him. Ike walked forward to say hi to the thought to be dead laguz.

"I have been defeated," the beast said plainly, "take me away and torture me. I beg of you! But let all my friends live!"

"But we killed them all except you and that little dude!"

"Did not

"Uh… yeah we did!"

"NO!" shouted a loud voice, which belonged to a little kid wearing short pants. "I won't let you kill Muriam!"

"Little one with short pants…"

"Huh? I'm confused!" said Ike

"I'm the leader of the laguz emancipation group!"

"Emancipation! Isn't that when somebody takes a pair of rusty pliers and rips off both of your-"

"We free laguz who are being held as slaves!"

"Whoa I am STILL very confused!"

"Little one with short pants…"

"Emanicpation!"

The three continuously shouted the same sentence over and over again, until a loud cry was heard. The three ran outside, and Brom had attempted to eat a Laguz Sword, but inhaled it instead.

"That's Brom for you!"

Everybody laughed, except Brom, whose face was slowly turning purple.

…

"Where are we going?" asked Reyson

"You'll see in a minute!" replied Naesala

The two landed in a dark forest, just as the sun set beyond edge of the woods. Reyson gasped, and attempted to talk with the trees. Everything black with death.

"What's happened to my forest?"

"It was the Serene's Massacre!"

"Ah yes. The Serene's Massacre. Where The Former Apostle died and the humans blamed us Herons and killed us all… except me and my father…"

"Yes… how sad. Let's go get you in your cell!"

"What?"

"I mean… let's go get you in your cell!"

"You mean let's go put me to sleep!"

"Exactly!"

So the two flew down to a manor

"The sac of lard that lives here only comes by… not at night, so you can sleep here!"

"Naesala, I'm sorry for doubting you. You're so kind, brave, and most importantly… honest! That's right! H-O-N-I-S-T! Honest!"

"…Yes, that describes me perfectly! Now go brush your wings and it's off to bed!"

Reyson squealed and flew up to a room and closed the door, and then Naesala left.

"It's such a shame that such an innocent thing must be sold to that cold-hearted sin against God… Oh well, whatever it takes to get a few bucks!"

"Sir!" said one of the few ravens who survived, "Oliver is shivering with anticipation to meet Prince Reyson… it's REALLY not pleasant…"

"Oh I see… well tell him we're all set and that he can do whatever he wants with the Heron. So long, Reyson; I hope that after all the heartbroken memories of me betraying you, you being abused in many ways, and of being held prisoner by a horrible figure that you can forgive me… OF COURSE YOU WILL! We're best buds forever!"

Naesala maniacally laughed, and the raven laughed with him. Until they noticed that a new voice was laughing with them, and there stood Gatrie. They all just stared, and then the three continued to laugh!

* * *

**Yes I know this was such an epic ending. I think the next chapter should also come relatively soon, but we shall see! Oh yes we will! **


	17. Dukedom of Tanas of Duke Tanas

**HEY! i know that it has actually been a VERY long time since i last posted, BUT i have 4 excuses. 1... i had exams! 2... it's summer! 3... i'm working on another story... although that kinda takes off the summer point... 4... i had to think of a rather clever reason that made sense later on in this chapter... so yeah! but anyways... next chapter should be soon, just to make up for lost time. awwww **

* * *

Dukedom of Tanas of Duke Tanas

The next day, Reyson woke up refreshed and ready to hit the day as hard as he could. He flew off the coat rack he slept on, and reached for the doorknob to exit the room. However, it was locked. He hesitated at first, but then realized he could easily fly out the open window. However, it merely led to a cage of savage tigers. Reyson heard the sound of the door opening, and he turned around. But it was not Naesala, but instead the most hideous thing Reyson had ever seen in his life… Oliver!

"Ohhohohohohohhooooo… it is even prettier than I imagined. Not prettier than me- No, that is pushing it!"

"What has happened to Naesala, you hideous sin against God!"

"Ohohohohohooo… yes he sold you to me, so I can do whatever things I want to you!"

"ME! TO YOU!"

"Ohohohooo yes. But don't you worry, little bird. Soon it shall be time for us to be alone."

"…Oh God, no!"

"Ohohohoohohohohoo and then we shall make a grand stage of us two for all of this very tiny country to see! Of us bonded together with-"

But then Reyson attempted to punch Oliver in the nose, but hardly succeeded. "Stop putting horrible pictures in my mind!"

"Stupid bird! You shall pay for your crimes!" shouted a guard. "Breaking rule #2 in the Begnion Law Book: attempting to hurt ridiculously fat bastards. The only suitable punishment… IS DEATH!"

"Be gone! Or you shall be forced to stay with me tonight!"

The guard screamed and ran for his life and jumped out a window.

"Don't you worry, little bird. Things will be just fine. The first few times might be hard on you, but once you've served your purpose several times, you shall be released… in the 'Dispose Yo' Evidence' container!"

He maniacally laughed, then struggled to leave the room. Reyson just sat in the corner, thinking about happy things; like muffins and Tibarn.

…

"I brought you somebody, oh stupid one!" shouted Ike, with Tormod at his side

"What? This little midget!" she scowled

"I'm at least a foot taller than you, you skank!"

"HEY! Watch your mouth! You say things like that behind her back!"

"Now Ike, exactly are you planning to do here?"

"If anybody is planning something, it is you!" he pointed his finger at the wall, and Boyd rotated Ike's body to face The Apostle.

"Oh really, and why is that?"

"You have lots of people that can do your jobs for you, but you choose the stupid mercenaries to do it all. Starting from those boxes of stuff I STILL don't know what's in. And also me killing all those laguzeseses?…… for who knows what!"

Tormod- "They're not dead!"

Ike- "Shut up, Boyd!"

Boyd- "Shut up, Boyd!... DAMN IT!"

Oscar- "Shut up, Demon!" and the horse dematerialized and teleported Oscar to the 23rd dimension.

"ANYWAYS!" continued The Apostle, "what have you come up with, Ike?"

"You are planning to rid the world of stupid people once and for all!"

"…Why?"

"…Uh… BECAUSE you gave those boxes to that… important guy… and it must've been full of something dangerous! YEAH! And those laguzeses who died-"

"They're not-" and suddenly a giant fire breathing dragon burst out of the ground and caused mass destruction on the citadel; killing many. All that lived were the mercenaries and army, The Apostle, the dumb princess, and the two bodyguard Pegasus knights.

"…Riiight. Well anyways, I must say, Ike, you are actually right for once!"

"I am?"

"Yes, you must have quite a bit of help from your friends!"

"Oh that's stupid! Anybody who says they do stuff because of their strong friendship that no super powerful evil force can destroy is complete idiocy and those people are just plain gay!"

"Good point! Now I have one more mission for you! I want you to track down that fat bastard who is usually with me. His manor is just over yonder."

"All right!"

…

So the mercenaries traveled through the disastrous ruins of the capital city, and along the borders of a black forest was a large manor.

"So here we are!" exclaimed Soren, "The Dukedom of Tanas."

"…wait a minute…" questioned Ike, "Since this is that fat man's building, wouldn't the place actually be called The Dukedom of Tanas of Duke Tanas?"

"…OH MY GOD! HE'S RIGHT!" And after Soren came to this realization, he sobbed uncontrollably and pushed an open book against his face, and then stood there for several moments.

"Uh… what are you-"

"I'M LEARNING THROUGH DIFFUSION!"

"Hehe… sounds like sword… kinda."

Soren realized that perhaps Ike was still not entirely intelligent, but was slowly making his own brain cells, so he put down the book.

"All right!" shouted Ike, "We need some people to sneak around back and see if they can see anything funny, but we need some people who can get the guards to let them go if they're caught."

"We can do that!" shouted Mia, "All us girls can use our amazing good looks to lure the guards into bottomless pits, or something. But if worse comes to worse we can just leave Astrid behind or something."

"Hmm… not a bad idea… but something doesn't seem right…"

So Ike came up with a plan that all the men except him dress up as women and do what Mia just said, and somehow convinced them all to wear dresses and wigs over their armor.

"Amazing! I am truly an artists! And you are all sexually confused!"

"Actually I think YOU are the one that's confused, Ike. For dressing up other men and seeing how they look" commented Soren

"I'm not confused; I'm in love with the princess!"

"…yes. You are in love with the princess that you mercilessly beat every day, when you also proclaimed your gay love to Ranulf."

"Hehe… gay… who's Ranulf?"

Soren sighed in frustration, when a monster the size of a small building slid across the pathway to where he was standing. He screamed and cast all the spells in his book, but they did nothing on the monstrosity. He threw his book when it was out of pages before an anonymous voice could make it disappear, but when it struck the body, it was absorbed by the blubbery skin.

"Ohohohohooo and who must you be?"

"I'm Ike. We're here to inspect your place for any signs of… something."

"Ohohoo check away; an innocent handsome man like myself has nothing to hide."

Soren cowarded in fear, and when he heard 'handsome' he collapsed on the road.

…

"Ohohohoo so you can see there is nothing in my house, yes?"

"Why yes there isn't. Even though we just entered this room, I am sure every other one is just like this one."

"Excellent."

"IIIIIIKe!" shouted Boyd, as all the men ran through the halls, with all the soldiers lustfully chasing them.

"We… we… we saw… saw"

"Yes?"

"We saw… a thing… it was…………………… alive… and it…………………… a Chordate……"**(A/N: Science Class Term. means animal!... basically)**

"Hmm. Oscar, could you describe this thing as a Heron."

He shrugged, only Boyd took a glance inside the room.

"Then it must be a Heron. There is no other explanation! Duke Tanas, are you going to take us to this room we apparently never saw, or will we have to talk it over about what we could do over some cake you probably have hiding inside one of your many armpits… or something."

"Grrrr… guards! Kill them all! Don't let any of those women escape!"

He ran away down the gigantic hallway, as about 30 soldiers emerged from the different doors.

"Hey… HE LIED ABOUT THERE BEING OTHER ROOMS! I FEEL SO ABUSED!"

So all the men took off their outfits, and the women came from outside, and the fight was on!

…

As things started, there a few myrmidons stationed at the front. The lance wielders easily overpowered them, and then a group of axe fighters came. The many mages there were casts there spells and left a cloud of dust, soot on the floor where an explosion was, and the three pair of empty boots sitting where they were. Down the stairs came two mages in red robes. They were of complete equal to Tormod, who attempted to fight one.

"Fool!" shouted Ike, "If you can't even keep up with all of us; who miraculously and mysteriously gained large quantities of experience to own even the largest armies individually, then you are worthless to us!" he attempted to floss his teeth with his sword, when the swordfighters finished off the mages.

As the group traveled down the hallway, they took a turn left and up a flight of about four stairs, and were halted by a door. To the left was another hallway, which led to the main hall where Oliver's gigantic throne of absolute no power was. There were many fat men in red armor, but Brom bumped them all with his far more superior fat belly. A sniper charged through and tried to take on Brom, but Mordecai saved the day with his surprising resemblance to Mordecai; with the exact same tattoos and scars. Amist all the soldiers was a general, with a combover and a snooty look on his face. He held a spear, which he could throw from a distance with good accuracy, and the power to take on even the strongest foes. The mages around him bowed before his spear, which made them easy targets.

Meanwhile a man in orange armor, with a green afro and large lips stood guarding a small room past the main hall.

"Devdan don't like this room" he said. "Devdan want to go home and look at flowers."

Soren ran by the battle and saw the horribly dressed man.

"Devdan want to help little girl."

"…EXCUSE ME?!?!"

"Devdan use pwnage skills to wipe out fat bastard's army."

"Greeeat" and Soren ran and cowarded, sobbing at the fact that maybe Ike was right; he's short.

Devdan charged into battle and used his heavy spear to crush the general's armor. After taking heavy damage, Tormod jumped in and cast a fire spell at the man. He exploded like anybody else, and Ike danced on the ground that he once stood.

…

Reyson floated above the honeymoon suite bed he had in his room, when suddenly Oliver busted the door. He couldn't fit through the door, then broke through the wall. Reyson panicked and hovered into the corner like a moth.

"NO! I'm not ready yet! I did an entire half push-up, and I'm not afraid to fight!" he shouted as he attempted to lift his arms.

"Come my pretty, we must flee this place!"

"Oh Olivaaaaaaa…" shouted Ike from the door on the opposite wall, "Might thou be in this room!"

"Um…… noooo?" and he jumped out the window.

"Soren, he said he's not in there, henceforth we shouldn't go in! It's called common courtesy!"

"Ike, if you even knew what that meant, you wouldn't have your hands in your pants!"

"Well excuuuuuuuse me if I get itchy in two places at once!"

Just then a wrecking ball hit Ike, but also broke the wall!

"Gasp! It's a heron! Don't be afraid, we'll get you to safety!"

"Stay back, foul human!" cried Reyson, as he pointed at Ike.

Ike just stared, and the rest of the army behind him also stared. Then Reyson's arm got tired, when Ike realized he was supposed to say something. But when he did, Reyson already fell out the window from a gust of air.

…

"And THAT'S why we should do more raiding parties!" concluded The Apostle, in the city garden, along with her other "friends".

"Ah of course!" said the creepy old man I mentioned two chapters ago. "We should do it more often because it's funny!"

"Exactly. Nothing better for the boring life of a noble, than to see poor helpless people get killed."

They continued to drink air at The Apostle's tea party, when Ike charged through the court yard. He unsheathed his sword, killed three guards that got in his way.

"Sir Ike, you reeeeeeeeeeally shouldn't-" said the nice bodyguard, but Ike completely cut her into eight pieces. He then attempted to sheathed his sword, but it flew from his hand and struck the old guy in the head.

"I want answers!" shouted Ike

"… I think you owe me answers! You just killed all my friends!"

"What happened 20 years ago?"

"I dunno."

"I'll answer that!" shouted Nasir, who made his first appearance after the boat. "Twenty years ago The Former Apostle got killed. Some idiot started a rumor that the herons from the Serene's forest killed her. As stupid as people are, they believed that herons, of all things, were lunatic serial killers. They burned the village, and killed all the herons except two. Now the entire forest is grey… j-just because."

"Sounds right" said The Apostle, "So it appears that Oliver had a heron. Ike, I want you to go kill that sadistic fat bastard. He's hiding in the Serene's forest; hoping to find the heron he kidnapped yet again. Do this, and I shall do anything you want for your very tiny army."

"Very well, I shall do this for the princess!" he looked at her at the table with The Apostle, but her face was in a bowl of water. "………Why is her head in that bowl like that?"

"I really don't know. We poked her a bunch of times and was unresponsive, so we assumed she was sleeping."

"Yes, that sounds right."

"You know," budded Soren, "I'm thinking that maybe there's more wrong with the princess than we thought. Perhaps she has high levels of sporozoans inside her. Perhaps I know this from the diffusion of the book, but sporozoan causes birth defects, and is often found in cat shit. **(A/N: another thing I learned in science)** Hey princess, did your mom ever have any cats?"

"CRAZY CAT LADY!" she shouted as she lifted her head, and it fell back in the bowl.

"Precisely"

"…Soren, I'm sick of hearing of your abnormal intelligence. Go make me a taco!"

"What the hell's a taco?"

"I don't know, but I want you to figure it out!"

"Oh fine!"

"Hehehe… taco."

And then an outhouse fell on Ike, and the door busted open to reveal Kieran alone with his axe. But I won't go there…

* * *

**I can't believe i remember so much science stuff in the summer... oh well... **


	18. The Best Day EVER!

**Hurray! I post yet again! I was debating with myself whether or not to separate into two sections, but i don't think it's long enough for that. So yeah... i think that's it. also, i found out that reyson can get killed in this chapter, but magically comes back the next, which is pretty cool. also, when the hawks come, you can finally look at leanne's stats, but there was something funny about it... like she's stronger than him or something... oh well**

* * *

The Best Day EVER!

Tibarn had spent all night drinking, worried about what people would think of him if something happened to Reyson. Janaff and Ulki worked together to keep a constant flow of booze into Tibarn's cup, but they had trouble working together with their own conditions. Eventually, the old crow, Nealuchi, flew into the castle to warn Tibarn.

"Naesala sold Prince Reyson to a man of absurd wealth and inhuman thoughts. You must rescue Prince Reyson. If you need somebody to get your strength working, you can use this helpless, lonely old man of myself."

"Damn you, Naesala! If anything happens to Reyson, I'll give you the biggest noogie you've ever had! Come my slaves! Let us find Reyson before my reputation among the few other laguz kings is ruined!"

The three took off fairly quickly, in the darkness of the night. Nealuchi stayed in the castle, looking for white feathers he could smell… or something like that.

…

Ike awoke earlier than usual, but that was because he was eager to finish that sentence he meant to say to that heron. He got out of bed, walked past Gatrie, who was recharging in the outlet, Mia and Boyd, who were passed out on the floor after the big chase the night before, Rolf holding his legs and shaking in the corner, and Soren, who was studying at the desk.

"Uh… Soren, did you even sleep last night?"

"No."

"……do you sleep… ever?"

"…Of course I do… any human would…"

"Good for that. I'm excited for today. Today's going to be the best day EVA'. Something just tells me that!"

Ike rang the emergency bell, and everyone woke up to see the commotion.

"I'd just like to say," said Ilyana, "that whoever you found dead, I did NOT eat!"

"Oh no, we'll worry about that later. Right now we're going to fight because I can't sleep!"

"Iiiiike…" moaned Rhys, "It's 3:17 in the morning…"

"How do you know?"

"Sundial." And he pointed to one outside.

"…well come on, peoples! We'll rid the world of one great evil; Oliver! Now let's get busy! If everyone is all set in 10 minutes, I'll make Mia everybody's ass slave!"

Everyone suddenly got bursts of energy, and quickly went to get ready, while Mia fell against the wall and moaned.

…

While everybody was getting ready, there was one person who was not, Devdan. Devdan, instead, was trying to prove that a Spear was in fact, heavier than a Heavy Spear. He was wrong. Rolf stared at the strange man, when he finally spoke up,

"Devdan, why are your lips so big?"

Devdan smiled. "Gather round, children, and I shall tell you the tale."

Tormod and Rolf sat down, and slowly a group began to gather around the man.

"You see," Devdan began in a voice that wasn't like him at all, "when I was but a lad, my father sent me to my room, saying that if I dared eat or drink he would throw a spear through my chest. Now, knowing that I would die eventually, I decided to try and sneak into the kitchen. Unfortunately, I had only gotten my lips through the door when-"

"Your father threw a spear at you?!" Rolf exclaimed

"A rabid squirrel tried to eat your hand?!" Tormod cried

"Sea urchins dropped from the sky?!" Boyd shouted.

The group stared at him and he sunk down in his seat. Devdan cleared his throat.

"Unfortunately, I had only gotten my lips through when…"

All eyes were wide and on the halberdier. Even Lethe looked interested.

"… I got stuck."

Groans rose from the army and several left, but Devdan raised his hand, silence followed, and he continued.

"For the next three days and four nights I was fed aerosol cheese through a straw, until they managed to pry me out of the door." He paused. "And THAT, dear children, is the tale of why my lips are so large. Join us next week for 'why my hair puffs and what might be living in it'."

At this point, everyone was laughing hysterically; even Soren. Nobody heard the cries for help coming from the halberdier's afro.

…

"So here we are, then!" shouted Ike, "Although I am unaware of where I am, for some reason I JUST know where I am!"

"That's because there's a sign right in front of you" Nephenee pointed out. There was, a big, clean sign that clearly read 'Serene's Forest. Right here'.

"Very well, then. We are going to make a daring journey through this dark and damp forest!"

"It's only dark and damp cause it's 3:26 in the morning" explained Marcia

"Oh please" said Ike, "what's the worst that could possibly happen…"

At that same moment, Oliver had completely ingested one of his soldiers. The rest trembled in complete fear and from grotesque thoughts.

"I want my beautiful heron! I want you all to find it soon, or you will meet the same fate as this unfortunate man!"

"Sir!" cried a soldier, "the army that attacked your wondrous home have come into the forest!"

"What? Why would they be here at 3:27 in the morning?"

"I don't know, but what should we do?"

"Kill all those women!"

"Yes sir!"

So the soldiers got together and prepared to fight Ike and his companions.

"There they are!" one shouted not too long after, "By order of the Big Lard himself, all man, woman and child are to die!"

"What about sub-humans?" asked another guard

"…I don't know… we'll just let them live, I guess…"

So all the guards took our their various weapons, but each were exceptionally skinny and brittle. That was because they were encoated in a special type of venom; a venom, that if you're struck with, you have the irresistible urge to punch yourself in the head. Plus as an added bonus, red smoke comes out of your nose!

So as the mercenaries approached the army, a few swordfighters were the first to go by the lance fighters and myrmidons. The mages and axe fighters kept to the side and took on a few axe men. But then out in the back came three more swordfighters. They missed their chance to ambush, because one was taking a piss. Gatrie and Brom, who were far behind from the group, went back and took on the enemies with ease. They each took one on, then Gatrie grabbed Brom's lance, and together they struck the last fighter. As Gatrie stood behind Brom, he mimicked a cat growling and flicked his wrist like he was scratching. Brom just stared… and blushed…

As the army grouped together at the edge of the path, together they killed a few more fighters that were delayed, and the battle was over.

"Wow that was pretty easy," commented Ike, "there must be more soldiers!"

"Looks like it," said Soren, peeping over a fallen pillar. "This sadistic man works for the Apostle, and is a priest… not to mention he's fat, henceforth he has lots of money! So he could command many men."

"Well then we'll just have to kill them all!"

So everyone jumped over the pillar, except for the few midgets and children that couldn't. Oliver's new army consisted mostly of knights and paladins. But what caused the most fear… was a wyvern rider that waited in the back.

"Oh no!" shouted Jill, "He's letting his wyvern eat mash potatoes! _You fiend_…"

And Jill dug through her pack and pulled out a pack of tacos that Soren attempted to make. Her wyvern gulped them all up, and already gas could be heard, just waiting to be released and reek for all it's worth. The two riders launched into the air; toxic clouds burst through the air as they made their paths. The mercenaries held their breath and charged onwards, except Rolf, who discovered a new addiction! All the enemy soldiers tried to hold their breath, but just because the mercenaries were better, the enemies gasped for air and could not stop laughing until they fell in the mud and died from lack of oxygen. A few members of Ike's crew gave into the toxic gas, but they pressed on, and once Marcia flew ahead and touched the ruins on the far side of the field, the clouds went away and everybody was safe!

"Hey look at this!" shouted Ike, as he looked at the ground. "This is the only place I've seen healthy grass growing!"

"OR the only place you've seen JUST grass growing!" commented Soren

"And look! A white feather! Do you know what that means?"

"NO! What?" Boyd said sarcastically

But before Ike could answer, his answer was answered when a heron came out of the trees. She wore a sticker that read 'Hi! My name is Leanne'

"**lsdhfba jkn fjklndlhn flsn f**" she said

"That's not the one we were looking for! Oh how sad, all this trouble for nothing!" and Ike pulled out a shotgun, loaded it and cried. But when he shot the trigger Soren hit the gun. The shot went flying and hit Oliver on the other side of the third field, but it did nothing!

"Ohohoho it appears my beautiful has been found!"

He ran up to the mercenaries side and looked at it, but realized it was not Reyson.

"A female heron! OOOH! Perhaps I can get those two to do naughty things and I can take pictures! OOOH! That sounds lovely!"

"You'll never get her!"

And Ike put the heron on his back. But for some reason in doing so, a bathroom signed was engraved on his forehead. But after Oliver ran away, another army came out of the trees. But before they could even begin to fight, Rolf took out an emergency cigaweed, but he dropped his match in the thick mud, and the entire region was set ablaze, because it was actually oil. The mercenaries were lucky because most of them were standing outside the oil, and the rest were mages who could magically withstand fire better than the warriors.

Oliver ran out of his hiding spot to see what happened.

"…Leave them their prize!" he plainly shouted, and ran through the majority of the company's grasps.

"Why didn't anybody catch him!" shouted Ike, "And who was he talking to!"

"I don't know!" said Rhys, "but I think we should continue to follow him!"

"Yes that is a good idea!"

"…You know, Ike," started Soren, "It's probably better that we take that heron to the apostle, cause she might slow you down in battle."

"Oh she's not a problem at all! I barely notice she's there!"

"…Really. Cause your legs are constantly shaking and your sweating like a pig."

"Well that's cause… of something else, CAN SOMEBODY MAKE SOREN SHUT UP FOR ONCE IN HIS LIFE!"

"You know it's a good thing I don't have to carry anybody around!" said Boyd, "If I did, it'd be like carrying… somebody around… like… Mist…"

Just then Oscar's horse, who was Mist in horse form but possessed, stuffed Boyd's head in her mouth and tried to bite it off. Most of the people laughed, because how often do you see somebody's head stuck in a horse's mouth?

…

"At long last!" shouted Reyson, "I am almost at the altar! I had to go through great risks to get past those humans, but I did it! Just a little farther!"

Just then Tibarn and his two assistants flew into view of Reyson.

"Your majesty!" shouted Janaff, "Reyson is… two metres away from the altar!"

"Then we must make haste! Even with his weak body, he might beat us there to it!"

But that proved not the case, as they could've beat him there three times if they so desired.

"Tibarn! What are you doing here!" asked Reyson

"I've come to get my respect back… by escorting you home!"

"Well don't bother, I must finish off all the humans in this forest first! They killed my family, Even my youngest sister, Leanne! I must wipe them out!"

"…Why would your stupid magic do that? You herons aren't good for anything except looking pretty. Leave this to the powerful and sexy might of the hawks!"

"THE HAAAAAAAAAWKS!" shouted Ulki

"Oh fine. Just because you told me to!" said Reyson

So the four birds were about to leave, when a gust of wind blew Reyson towards the altar, and upon touching it he accidentally summoned the forbidden magic of his tribe. Outside the forest it rained meteors, the ground opened up and burst lava, the four horsemen of the apocalypse unleashed their wraths upon those who lived. Everything was set ablaze, and a giant demon burst out of the ground and breathed fire on everything, till it was all nice and smoked black. But fortunately, everybody important was inside the forest, so… it was rather good.

…

"We have finally founded you, Oh fat one!" shouted Ike

"Guards! Kill all those ugly sinful things! They do not have the beauty of the money to be as wealthy and as beautiful as me!"

"Oh that's the-" but then Ike threw up of the sheer sit of becoming Oliver, so everybody else started the fight.

But also at that time, the four birds flew past the battle.

"Silly humans! I wonder what they're fighting over!" muttered Tibarn

"LOOK!" shouted Janaff, "there's another heron over there! On that sick kid who's throwing up's back!"

"Well… it's against my nature… but I want to poke some humans, so we shall aid them!"

"Tibarn, I want to fight, too!"

"If you foreswear the forbidden magi… oh wait I can't say that anymore… Alright fine you may come!"

"Agreed."

So the three hawks attacked some of Oliver's soldiers, but then Reyson realized what Tibarn actually meant.

"OOOH! Fight! As in kill people! Riiight! I can't do that, so I'll just hide!"

But back at the start, the mercenaries were still pulled back by a psychotic mage who could summon meteors.

"Somebody has to go on a suicide run and kill him!" shouted Ike

Nobody wanted to do such a thing, when they all decided it would be fair to vote on some unlucky person. And as everyone voted for, it was Boyd.

"Oooh! Why me?"

"Uh… because nobody likes you!"

"………………WHAT?!??"

"Um… yeah… nobody has ever liked you, Boyd. Not even your parents. That's probably why they killed themselves when you were born… and why Rolf is adopted.

"I AM!!!"

"Yes! Are you two just learning this now! It's all just SO obvious!"

So the two burst into tears and hugged each other. But when everyone became awkward and uncomfortable, Ike tried to get they're attention again.

"GUYS! I LIED!"

"…Y-you did?" blubbered Rolf

"SURE! I mean… just because you have a completely different shade of green hair as your brothers… your hair is STILL green!"

"…y…y-y-aaaay…"

"Well what about me?"

"Um……… I was just messing with you… because you're…………Boyd…"

"…I KNEW IT! EVERYBODY LOVES ME!"

"Yeess… exactly," Ike tried to restrain himself from stabbing Boyd while he danced like an idiot, but then Tibarn was abusing his power and killing mages and healers in one strike, leaving Janaff and Ulki to do his dirty work. Reyson still just hid.

So once all the enemies were defeated, all that remained was Oliver. The three hawks tried to swoop through the sky and strike with their beaks, but merely were encased within his lard filled body. Oliver rolled through the forest; the mercenaries trying their best to strike the fowl monster, but they're attacks did nothing.

"What could we possibly do that could do some damage?" wondered Ike

"Well…" started Soren, "If he's so sinful and evil as everybody says, how about we stop fighting, which is SUPPOSEDLY evil, and do something not evil."

"Good idea! We'll make him… watch some two people get intimate!"

Already people raised their hands to volunteer, then some people who I will not mention… _Kieran_… got ahead of themselves and started doing stuff.

"WHOA WHOA WHOA! THAT is NOT pure! When I said intimate I meant like… romantic intimacy."

"How is that any different?" asked Zihark

"Um… go slower… and… a-and make eye contact."

So everybody muttered in agreement, and then Ike and Soren thought of other things to do. Such as a wedding; in which two people, Zihark and Lethe got married. Unfortunately, Soren found out after the wedding that it's supposedly immoral for laguz and beorc to be intimate together, for who knows why. **(A/N: Well this is more of a personal opinion now. I mean, if the goddess wants the two races to get along, why the hell can't they do it together and create a super race? Well… then again perhaps the church in the game just lies, because there ARE halfies in the game, and there are many more revealed in Goddess of Dawn, many which I looked up on wikipedia, but anyways! Still stupid!) **Rhys read Oliver a bedtime story, and Stefan tried to walk like a normal person, but to no prevail. When all hope seemed lost, Ilyana walked forwards from the crowd, her size had to be about 1/94th Oliver's size.

"…I challenge you to an eating contest…" she slowly said

"Anything to be with my second favorite thing in life; Food!" and so the competition was on.

The two just ate anything they could find in the forest, from trees to grass to mud to ground. The two munched through the ground at a constant speed, munching away without ever stopping. Trails were left behind as they used their jaws to move at tremendous speeds for about six minutes. Eventually, Oliver began to slow, and also got bigger in size that loud rumbling noises were heard.

"He's gonna blow!" shouted Boyd, and made a run for a cliff. Just when Oliver was so large his clothes were starting to rip, Ike stabbed with his sword and popped the man; an explosion so loud and immense that a wind blew off the leaves of every tree. All the mercenaries stood their ground, even as large clumps of lard were thrown at their faces. Once it was all over, the entire forest was covered in a thick yellow goop, and several soldiers and the three hawks were found amiss where Oliver once stood. Everyboyd congratulated Ilyana for her clever thinking, but she had no idea what was going on; the only thought going through her mind was eating that delicious fat man carrying her, Brom, it would seem.

"Who is it you carry on your back? Asked Reyson as he came from hiding.

"Oh, you mean this thing? I think you might know her, but of course you might not and then that would be-"

But Ike was interrupted by Leanne talking to Reyson in their language. Ike kept going on over nothing, just because he likes to hear himself talk.

"**lbncvboeutrwlejfldmkcv**" she said

"**jm ldksjfou sdmkflsure**" he said back. "I don't understand! How did you stay alive so long!"

"**wkethawrmfsf vddflsk**"

"**werwlehlwralrvjlfd**. The forest protected her."

"Hey Reyson!" shouted Tibarn, "You don't have to say everything in both languages, you know…"

"…Shut up… **lweurwlrhfhwkeywr**"

"You there! Beorc!"

"-so then I'd be like 'you're a terrible person', but then I'd be all sad and… you talking to me?"

"Yes! I am Tibarn! Remember me for my giant abs! You aid the herons! To what purpose?"

"I really have no idea! The Apostle wanted to do this for some reason."

"The Apostle? Blasphemy!" shouted Reyson

"But it's the truth!"

"Then we must go meet her, if it is the truth!" shouted Tibarn, and everybody left for the entrance

…

"I have retuuuuurned!" said Ike as he ran through the forest where The Apostle waited

"Are you The Apostle?" asked Reyson

"I am… I'm sor-weee."

"**slfhwlerhwolerhnwld**" said Leanne

"You can't be serious, Leanne!"

"**sklrhewlrh djflsjyte rwerjhwlr mfc,lnhdtih5et**"

"Oh I see now. The Apostle, all is forgiven!"

"Thank you!"

"Well…" started Ike after the birds left, "that was easy."

"Yes it was."

"YOU THERE! BEORC! COME FOLLOW ME!" shouted Janaff from two feet away.

Ike followed, along with Oscar on his horse, and appeared before an altar. Nobody else was allowed to come for some reason. At the top stood Reyson and Leanne. The two nodded at each other, then started singing. Ike recalled hearing that horrible tune being sung by somebody very annoying that he could not clearly recall, although it was not noticeable, but it was a little different… somehow… But then Oscar's horse winnied as a trees magically reappeared, and a wave stretched throughout the forest, and life was back! Fairy dust blowing in the wind, bunnies and birds circled the two, a bright sun shown through the trees! Oscar's horse winnied in delight and made a circle on it's hind legs, which made Oscar fall off and hurt himself. Ike just stared in disbelief.

"The heart of the forest is … returned" Despite his horrible grammar **(A/N: I think, anyways. I think he was supposed to say 'has returned' but the spell check agrees, so maybe I'm wrong.)** nobody really cared, and then Tibarn flew forwards.

"That was well done."

"I'M SOOOO HAPPY!" screamed Muriam, who was completely eugulfed in tears.

"And thus has the relationship between beorc and laguz improved." Said Devdan, "Tune in next week for 'why I have not brushed my teeth in six years'. Good night, all!"

Soren just stared at everybody in complete disgust.

"…I'd sell my soul to the devil to kill all these idiots…" a black demon slowly came out of the ground behind Soren, "…but I already sold it to Science, so…" and then it quickly went back, the children skipped through the forest killing the life that was just created.

* * *


	19. A Snooty Noble

**i laugh cause i forgot to post this right away. yes, it's been on my computer for a couple hours... oh well, it's up NOW! OH and read FlamingDoritos fanfic on fire emblem, because... it's fire emblem... that's enough reason to read it, right there! **

* * *

A Snooty Noble

As everything was finally resolved, the country of Begnion returned to peace. Nobody could've predicted the entire wrath and chaos one fat bastard, Oliver, had endured on the country. But the Serene's forest had returned to color, but it wasn't even visible from the capital, so all of that effort seemed useless.

"Ike," said The Apostle, amist the ruins of what was once her cathedral, "You have done lots of stuff that have saved this country. Mainly because I told you, but you have proved yourself worthy of being my bitch."

"…I'd take that as a compliment, but I have to go to the bathroom pretty bad. I haven't gone since we came to this country."

"TOO BAD! You can't leave! Although this probably isn't the smartest idea, but there is nobody left in Begnion besides those three guards Oliver ate, and my assistant Tanith. Now… I am entitling you to the general of the Begnion army. You have my, and only my, support."

"OH! I don't want to do this!" Ike got really angry and fussed and kicked and cried like a little kid. Then the princess walked up to him.

"We don't have to do this!" she squealed

"Nah. We must do what's necessary. Might as well finish this adventure so I can do… other stuff…"

"…Um… give me your… sword."

Ike did, and the stupid princess struggled to hold it.

"Um… in the name of Crimea… I make you a lord. Rise, Lord Ike."

But unfortunately, the princess could not hold the sword, and got it lodged in her face. She ran around and squealed in pain trying to get it out, but then a drop of blood dripped from her face and onto the floor, which activated a chalk-drawn pentagram, which Oscar drew in hopes of sending his demon back to hell. The blood of… a person… activated it, and as Ike was still standing inside, he was engulfed in a pillar of blue light. As the transformation occurred, memories of his past flew out of his body; horrible memories. Like the one time he was beaten by his father, the time a raccoon pushed the outhouse and he fell off a cliff and was stuck for four days, that one weekend where everybody at the base was getting some… except for him. Then when Ike was pure of… bad stuff, he appeared before everyone, in a new outfit, along with a new stance. His stance was him turned 30° to the right, and his outfit was blue, along with a shoulder pad, actual armor, gay shoes, and a skirt.

"…What an odd feeling…" Ike started as he opened his eyes. "Do… do I look handsome?"

Apostle- "Yes, I must say so."

Princess- "Better than me."

Soren- "That skirt actually brings the most out of you."

Boyd- "HELL YEAH!"

Ike- "Good… n-not that I care!... I DON'T!"

…

So once Ike got his new class, the army set forth to liberate Crimea. They planned to make a detour through Daein, and kill the king of Daein just because they have nothing better to do. So the army along with the soldiers from Begnion set course for the Daein border. They arrived in due time, but the soldiers said it took so long it turned to winter. Although it was odd that it was spring time in Begnion, and a magical barrier kept a snowpile from spilling over the border, but most of the mercenaries bought the story. Little did they know what was going on at the Daein capital.

…

"SOOO!" shouted Asslard… Ashnard, the king of Daein, from his dark throne room, in his large amounts of armor and horribly cut hair. "THE CRIMEAN ARMY IS COMING HERE. HEEEEERE!"

"Yes," said The Black Knight. "and there were two herons with them."

"TWO HERONS EXIST? TWWOOOOOO-"

But then The Black Knight slapped Ashnard for being such a faggot.

"Hehehe. Bring me one, then. I do not care which. And bring The Medallion while you're at it. Yeesss… the world shall soon be mine!"

The king laughed maniacally, then The Black Knight decided to laugh as well. Gatrie WOULD have laughed as well, but he's not there! So…

…

"This be called Tor Tagen," started Tanith in front of a vast wall inbetween two mountains, "this vast wall has been unbreachable for centuries!"

"Hurray! Then let's set up base right here!"

"Here?" asked Soren, "There's a good chance they'll see us, and there's a battalion of wyvern riders right over there!"

He pointed off in the distance beside the wall, and one of the riders waved at him.

"…Oh who cares!" said Ike, "I want to ogle my reflection a little longer!"

So they did set base, and as Ike stared at himself, he noticed Stefan also ogling off the same sword.

(A/N: I was gonna put this paragraph in a couple chapters ago, but merely forgot. So no one has to know it's not accurate… except I just said…)

"You like swords, too!" Stefan squealed

"I sure do!"

"Yes. Well if you love them so much, you'd marry them."

"Hmm… perhaps I could learn a thing or two from the crazy lunatic in a purple outfit and green hair."

"Indeed. Take this!"

And Ike's world turned black… because Stefan stapled a piece of paper to Ike's face. He pulled it out, and read it. It revealed the secret to how to be good with swords.

"In order to be good with swords…" Ike read, "You must… walk sideways like a hermit and pop bubbles…"

"It's more fun than you'd think!"

And then a large amount of bubbles came from nowhere, and Stefan walked around and popped them with the tip of his sword. Ike couldn't resist, and began to follow Stefan's beat. Eventually Zihark and Mia budded in, and a crowd gathered around watching the four retards.

"Ho ho ho!" laughed Devdan, with his thumbs in his pants, "what fools they are!" and then a person burst out of his hair, screaming bloody murder for someone to save him. But then a green arm came out and pulled him back inside the mysterious afro.

So once everybody calmed down, Elincia looked into the distance.

"Something's coming!"

"Oh my God!!!" shouted Ike, "WHAT THE F--- IS THAT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"

And everybody panicked and ran in circles or behind somebody or pushed over a table or something, then the five birds from the day before flew down at the chaos of the camp; Kieran came out an outhouse whistling, then immediately turned around after seeing the camp and went back inside, still whistling.

"Hmm…" started Tibarn, "where is that blue, stupid kid?"

"Right here!" and Ike popped up from a ditch

"I want to fight with you!" said Reyson

"Why?"

"Well there could be many reasons… one being for saving me from a horrible life with Oliver… another being I am too lazy to catch up with Leanne… or you could probably say I'm sick of Tibarn showing off his large muscles I wish I had… but the choice is yours."

"Hmm… well we could always use more recruits. You know, just to make things harder on Soren with the army budgets and food and whatnot."

"Then it is agreed."

"And I shall also give more recruits. Janaff! Ulki! Go with the stupid beorcs!"

"THIS IS WHAT?!"

Ulki just cried, hoping all the noise would stop. But then Tibarn and Leanne flew away.

"Beorc and Laguz, finally fighting together!" shouted Elincia

"Yes… although they have been since we've been in Gallia… and we only have six laguz out of an army of like thirty… but still!!!"

"Don't die!"

"Not to worry. It is biologically impossible for me to lose my first battle as a snooty noble."

So the army prepared themselves, and they charged up the stairs that led to a hall inside the wall. Apparently this unbreachable wall was a mere hallway, no more than one hundred metres long, but Begnion has such a stupid military might, that they could never get past. For some stupid reason, there were treasure chests being kept inside. Sothe helped himself to them, while the army got stuck in the hallway, because too many tried to go through at once. This gave an opportunity for mages to rain magic upon the army. One cast the ultimate spell of wind… a blizzard! But it was probably the worst blizzard anyone would ever see, and nobody got hurt at all.

Meanwhile, deeper down the hallway, the leader of the Daein soldiers stood about checking the soldiers around him. He had pink hair and was old, therefore he liked things organized… and was good at it. He looked at a sniper with red hair, and a bottle of whiskey in his hand.

"What's your name, son?"

"…Bah hum-bug…"

"…I see…" then he left to go meet with Naesala, who was waiting on the other side of the wall. Like a smart person, he went around.

"So I give you money, and you send your crows to help us."

"Yes. Now if you excuse me, I have to go on a shopping spree."

Naesala left behing a few crows, who stayed behind so all the Daein soldiers would die. Also a smart move.

Soon enough the army came close to breaching the wall, killing everyone in their path instantly. Ike took the front, and came face to face… with Shinon!!!!

"Shinon, why are you with Daein?"

"I dunno nothing. But you're gonna die!"

Ike ran forward, and lazily swung at Shinon's chest; a small cut given caused major damage.

"Don't move, you'll tear the wound wide open!" shouted Ike

"Huh? What are you doing?"

Ike just stared

"Pah! Idiot!" and Shinon sat down; the wound expanded and effected his entire body.

"YOU IDIOT! YOU MOVED!" shouted Ike, and Shinon disappeared.

After that little episode, the pink-haired man ran forward.

"You shall witness the true power of Wind! TORNADO!"

A small gust of wind appeared below Ike's feet, and grew bigger and bigger until he was engulfed inside. But he was smart enough to take a step back, so he watched a channel of green air swirl around… look cool. Boyd jumped on Ike's head and sliced the guy in half with his axe, but then the crows were coming. For some reason, they decided to go through the hallway, instead of above the eight foot tall wall. Not to mention the intense drama of reinforcements coming from the rear; three wyvern riders, who also didn't go over the wall. But the ravens proved no problem to the wrath of the hawks; using the exact same maneuver, they looked cooler with spiked feathers. Rolf and Astrid sniped down two riders, and Tanith, using the utmost skill a Pegasus Rider can possess, held the sword, and a gust of wind appeared below the wyvern.

Once it was made clear all the Daein soldiers were dead, Ike ran down the stairs, and saw Shinon limping an escape.

"Crud. This was my one chance to get a leg up in the world. Where's that booze?"

"Shinon! How did you survive?!?! You disappeared!"

"…Bah!"

"Come back to the company!"

"…Bah!"

"You… never liked me. You said I was nothing without my father."

"Sounds like me alright."

"But I just beat you, so what you said doesn't mean anything anymore."

"…Wait I'm lost. Start over!"

"Come back to the company!"

"Bah! Fine then, how about we have a rematch. I win, I get command of the army,"

"I win, and you fall in line. Agreed?"

"I'm gonna looooove hurting you, Ikee."

And then the two collided, and the story was left at an impossible conclusion.

…

"We received word that you defeated all of the Daein soldiers… General Shinon."

"Sounds like me" said Shinon, holding a bottle of whiskey, along with a bandana and magenta hair; from an attempt to die blue.

Just then Nasir came to the random gate they were at.

"Shinon, I have good news!"

"'Bout time. Who the hell are you?"

"Yes, I had to… take care of stuff back in Begnion; with the insurance and all. But I am very willing to give up my career, just to follow you guys. Quite a hobby of mine, see?"

"…Got any liquor?"

"Anyways, I got word that Gallia has made a decision to fight in the war. Just keep winning, Shinon, and doors will fly open to you, with angels bowing over a red carpet with rose pe-"

"It was Ike's father that lead me to where I am. All that abuse and embarrassment for looking like a girl. But it's not my parents gave me a sex change when I was twelve years old. Oh well… hmm… if I'm attracted to woman, what does that make me? Straight or a lesbian? Hmm… question of life, I suppose…"


	20. The Report

**I posted yet another chapter, in record time, too. I don't think that'll happen again, but i had nothing to do today. Also, check out FlamingDoritos, yet again. And another thing. REVIEW! or i get angry! Angry enough to kill people on fire emblem. **

* * *

The Report

A snowstorm blew across the country. The Daein army stood patiently, awaiting their chance to strike the invasive forces in their country. There never was a more serious time in Daein history. It was so serious, one soldier peed his name in the snow, and it caused an avalanche… cause that's serious. Four paladins rode through the narrow valley, and the leader went ahead to the purple crow at the rear of the battalion.

"SO WHEN HOW LONG UNTIL THE CRIMEAN ARMY IS DEFEATED!" shouted a memorable loud person, the very manly woman… or very womanly man… who can really say… Petrine.

"Why yes, they shall be defeated in due time," said Naesala.

"THE LAST TIME SOMEBODY SAID THAT, THEY ENDED UP IN A CORPSE PILE!"

"Yes, well I believe that is the ugly he/she's fault. The army was told the Crimeans were weak, and they got massacred. Besides, I'll be fighting in this battle."

"FINE THEN, YOU SILLY SUB-HUMAN! HOMASA!"

"Yes, Petrine" said a guy who looked suspiciously like Stefan, except darker shade of green hair, and a retarded blue identical tunic.

"I WANT THE CRIMEANS DEAD!"

"It shall be done."

And the paladins rode off.

…

"It appears that the enemy knew we were coming, Shinon" said Soren, "There must be a traitor in our mist; someone who doesn't fight, and has suspicious reasons for following us, and-"

"Soren, how about you shut the hell up, or go die in a ditch. I don't really care. I'm watching a chicken fight."

The chicken fight was Rolf and a chicken trying to do the best dance moves. The one with the most votes would not have the explosives in their back go off. I think the winner is obvious. For the most part, either people were watching the fight, or doing something out of the ordinary. Lethe and Zihark were having marital problems, which gave hope for Ike. Gatrie was still Shinon's slave, and today he was his foot rest. Kieran was harassing Oscar, claiming to be better than him, while he was many levels below the paladin. But while Oscar continued to run on his horse, and practically everybody else was watching the chicken fight, Rhys was have a bath in the snowstorm, with his robe still on. He was completely at ease, when he saw an orange blob moving in the water. The water slowly came to focus, and it was a person. Rhys slowly turned his head around in fear, and Mia was standing there with a sword in her hand.

"Die! You Rival!"

So Rhys screamed and ran for his life; his arms to his side, and a lunatic woman chasing him with a weapon. In the midst of the chaos, Rhys found a metal spoon. He grabbed it, and lunged at his killer with all his might. Unfortunately, his might wasn't very good, and he hurt himself. Mia swung her blade, which cut off the tip of the spoon, and the force caused Rhys to fall. He whimpered in the corner, when Mia stood in front of him.

"Wow! That was a good run today!"

"…W-…what?"

"Yep. You do have the skills to be my sworn rival one of these days. A fortune teller told me that, and one of these days, I will kill you… but before that happens, we might as well have a little fun!"

"…Yes… fun…"

She grabbed his arm and pulled him from the ground.

"I'm Mia, by the way!"

"…I'm Rhys…" he slowly said as they shook hands

"Wow! It sure is nice to know there's a man in this army that doesn't hate woman! For some reason I get all kinds of harassment, but you, you are different. I like that in a man! Well, I must go practice! See ya later!"

Rhys just waved slowly, then after going back to his bath, realized what great catastrophe he had gotten himself into. He talked to a woman! Besides Titania, this was the first woman in thirteen years! What horrible outcome could occur, only time would tell.

…

Once the army was ready to move, they came across the valley, where the dead serious army was waiting. In the back was Naesala.

"IT'S THE KING OF THE RAVENS!" shouted Janaff.

"Well then, we must put an end to whoever the hell that is" remarked Shinon

"I must go talk to him," said Reyson, "for it is the only way to end his wrath that is due upon us."

"Ok then, I shall tell all the troops to avoid him."

But while Shinon got out his booze, the army went off to fight. The army proved no threat, even the lamer people could take them with relative ease. Devdan's afro ate a soldier, Stefan danced, which somehow killed four soldiers, and Lethe and Zihark continued to bicker on the battlefield, which became a soap opera for many of the soldiers.

"I'VE TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES, WE'RE NOT READY TO GO THERE!"

"But we're married! Who cares if it's the law we can't do this!"

"YOU DON'T REALLY CARE! YOU'D DO IT WITH ANY LAGUZ THAT LOOKED LIKE ME! WE ALL LOOK THE SAME TO BEORCS!"

"GASP you take that back!"

While the couple continued their argument about dueling against each other, Naesala saw the army making their way forward. He took his plan into action, which was to transform. As he flew forward, he caused havoc with wind gusts he magically created. Nobody could hit him, and merely got countered, left with critical injuries. Janaff and Ulki tried to talk to the raven, when the three brothers took their rather plan into action. The three pulled out bows and all fired at once, which caused so much damage to Naesala, he exploded in a gust of feathers. Everybody danced.

**(A/N: That's the way I always do it; kill Naesala. I didn't even know you COULD talk to Naesala until a friend told me. But I like the experience, anyways. What else is the brother's attack for in, anyways?)**

"Retreat!" he shouted to his companions. "I must buy myself a new coat!" so they all fled.

"Naesala betrayed us?!?" shouted Homasa

"I think 'abandoned' is more accurate."

"FOOL! It's the same thing!"

"Well not really… you see betray means he's joined with our enemy… abandon's a bit more like he got up and left."

"LIES! Betray COULD meant he same thing, it's just-"

Their argument continued on, as the aerial units attacked the archers on the ballistas conviently placed on the cliffs. The shots did no damage, because they were too weak, except on the mages and healers. Once there was absolutely nobody left except for the four soldiers in the back, the Crimeans made their preparations, and struck at once. All that was left was Homasa, who Stefan took care of.

"YOU! You look vaguely familiar!" shouted Homasa

"Yes! You look familiar, too! It's almost as if we were brothers who were separated at birth!"

"That may be! But MY brother was kidnapped by sub-humans and taken to the desert!"

"…Well I'm sorry for that! But me and my wife will not lose again one that dresses as badly as you!"

So the two danced an attack, which they were both so obsessed about. Homasa had a wind sword, and his relationship with his sword proved no match for the eternal bond Stefan had with Vague Kaati. Homasa ended up getting stabbed in the head, and the battle was won!

…

As everybody celebrated, Soren came towards Shinon.

"General, we found a storage cabin full of money!"

"I don't CARE about money! Just burn it down!"

"But Shinon, we NEED money for the company!"

"I said BURN IT DOWN!"

"…But we can use it to buy you beer."

"…Can we? OK THEN! Put it all to a beer fund!"\

So Soren, Shinon, Ike and Elincia all went down to check out the wonders. There was about 120 grand in there.

"I've never seen so much money in my life!" said Ike, "Daein must be filthy rich!"

"Well it's ours now!" shouted Shinon

"Well I'd like to borrow 50 000!"

"You don't get those privileges anymore!"

"Oh… that's too bad then. I guess I'll just-"

Then Ike screamed maniacally and stuff 50 000 gold into his pack, he tried to run, still laughing, but the weight crushed him, and he broke through the ground of the cabin. Volke was standing there.

"Sev-sev-sev-sev-sev-sev-sev-sev"

"You're STILL doing that!" and Ike whacked the thief in the head, which set him straight. "I have el moneyo."

"Is it… in change…?"

"…nooo…"

"…Fine… I'll just exchange it later. I like to count!"

"So… where's my father's report?"

"There is none."

"You used my need to know about my father? ABUSE!" Ike sobbed

"…There is a report. But far too great a secret to write down."

"Oh ok then. Tell me! El Thiefo!"

"Stop doing that!"

"…Fine…"

"I have been your father's shadow for many many years. He hired me in case he ever went berserk again. That was my job."

"His shadow? How many years? What do you mean berserk? What job? Who are you?"

"Griel was known long ago as General Gawain, one of the four riders of Daein. He touched the medallion once and went berserk."

"Who's Griel? What's a rider? What medallion?"

"The medallion your sister carries."

"That old bronze thing? Who's my sister? I'm confused? What's a-"

"CAN YOU NOT SHUT UP FOR FIVE MINUTES!?!"

"…No, it actually is impossible. I even talk when I sleep."

"…Anyways… your sister carried the medallion because she had a certain balance that allowed her to."

"Huh? That doesn't make any sense! My father wouldn't allow one as retarded as Mist to carry it."

"…Think back. Have you ever once touched it?"

"…Yes I did, actually! All I remember was being strapped to a table, and a priest pouring acidic water in my face. I also heard horrible voices, so I never touched it again."

"…………Anyways! Your mother found the medallion somehow, and Griel fled with her from Daein to protect her. Unfortunately, the worst of the worst happened."

"……Oh God…"

"Your father touched the medallion and went berserk."

"OOH! That's what you meant by 'berserk'!"

"…Were your parents cousins?"

"Yes, that is debatable. Continue."

"…Well your father went berserk, and killed twelve high trained warriors, without breaking a sweat. But then…… your mother got stabbed by your father."

"…That's not possible!"

"It is! Some people say she ran out of a building on fire, and he tried to put it out. Others say he slipped on a banana peel, and accidently stabbed her. I once heard somebody say she was suicidal and she was already on the sword before he went berserk, but nobody noticed."

"NOOO!"

"Indeed. So Griel got all emo and tracked me down. He hired me in case he were ever to go berserk again. But one of my stealth and sexiness was no match for him. So he slit his wrist on his sword hand so that he could never use it again. He almost died because of that; not the brightest person, I must add. But even after being crippled, he was still stronger than most men. But I believe the answer to that is because he worked out. Unlike some people…"

"…What did my father mean when he told me not to seek revenge when he died?"

"…What the hell does that have to do with anything? I'd suppose he thought you were a sissy. So he wanted you to protect the medallion."

"I see…" and Ike slowly closed his eyes, when Volke poked him.

"By the way! Do you want to hire me in case you ever go berserk?"

**(A/N: I actually spent 15 minutes debating this the first time I played through)**

"Please."

"Very well. I no longer have to hide my true identity."

So Volke stood where he was, and was engulfed in a pillar of blue light. Once the transformation was complete, he stood with a split red cape, even gayer shoes than Ike's, and a cloth covering his head. Despite his new red look, he changed the angle he looks at things, so instead of looking behind himself, it was more to the side, because he was cool that way.

"I'm not really a thief, I'm an assassin. Although I needed a class change to do that… and I can still steal things… I will do whatever job you have… no matter how… dirty…" he laughed and rubbed his hands together, and Ike left to ponder what had occurred.

"Mother… Father… are you two really cousins…?"


	21. A Traitor Amiss

**Hey everyone. It's a shame summer's almost over, so i might as well make the best of it. also, check out flamingdoritos, if you haven't already, but you probably have! so... just refreshing your minds! **

* * *

A Traitor Amiss  


"So we are out of food… again!" shouted Soren, as he was still loyal to Ike, and Shinon at the same time. "Shinon insists on pooling the money we made into a booze fund, so I don't know how we're supposed to manage this lazy and brainless army, plus I think we have a traitor in our midst, probably somebody who doesn't do any work or fighting, not to mention… Ike are you even listening?"

"No, I'm not."

"…Um… how did you know what I… oh never mind, I don't even care."

"I'm attempting to plot a scheme to rid Shinon of his position as commander! But I believe I can achieve that, after all, sword fighters are witty, yet archers are geniuses. Meanwhile lance fighters are tall, axe fighters are queer, and mages are useless!"

"…Actually it's more like sword fighters are inbred by relatives, lance fighers have no friends, axe fighters have ADD, archers are addicts, and mages are misunderstood."

"Like WHISKEY!" shouted Shinon, showering himself in the bottle.

"IIIIKE!" shouted Oscar, "My horse, Mist, won't stop whining!"

"Well what do you want me to do about it? Figure it out somehow!"

So Oscar sighed, relaxed, and his body was taken over by the demon. He was used to it after so many years now.

"Like HELLO WORLD! OMG! This is like THE BEST thing I have ever DONE! But LIKE My MedallION is miSSING! WEEE! This is FUN!"

As it turns out, Oscar's demon has never had any contact with any humans besides Oscar, and for the first time revealing itself to pathetic morons, it turns out the demon is gay. But that's not a problem, as nobody even cares! So while Oscar's horse went berserk and fell in a lake, Ike saw opportunity for revenge, with somebody off in the distance.

"I'm Calill. I want to-" she gagged tobacco, while speaking in a croaky voice, "Join up with this army"

"Is that so?"

"Why yes, dear. I am a first class mage. Not to mention I'm quite skilled with a knife… at least I like to think I am… and I have the most exquisite looks you'd ever see in a woman!"

Ike tried not to vomit at her hideousness.

"Ah yes... brains…" she snorted a cigarette through her nose… "brawns…" she was so skinny she looked like a pile of skin and bones, "…and beauty!"

"Hey Ike, we need more water. Apparently somebody washed their dirty soc-AAAAH!" and Boyd engulfed in a plasmatic radiation field, and was petrified into stone at the sight of Calill.

"………… Well one problem out of our way! You're hired!"

"WHAAAA -GAG- AAAAAT? Can a young man like yourself make a decision like that? I better speak to the general."

"I am the general."

"WHAAAAA-" but Shinon whacked her in the head with a beer bottle. And as much as it was part of Ike's plan to demote Shinon, that worked just as well. So because there was nobody to call upon to decide what methods of punishment or government they should rely on, not to mention they were all too lazy to do anything, Ike unofficially claimed himself the commander again. And to celebrate this wondrous day, he took all the money in the booze pool… and bought booze to party! And a little cheese… just because…

…

"General Petrine! We mustn't do this!" shouted a fat balding man with black armor.

"YOU GUYS ARE FOREIGN! DAEIN DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU! SO YOU'RE THE FIRST TO GO! SO YOU WILL DO THIS!"

"But destroying people's homes is too much!"

"…DID YOU NOT LISTEN! YOU'RE FOREIGN!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU LEFT BEGNION, BUT YOU WERE PRETTY DAMN STUPID TO DO THAT! NOW YOU WILL SACRIFICE YOURSELVES FOR THE SAKE OF THE COUNTRY!"

"…Bu-"

"FOREIGN!"

".."

"FOOOREIGN!!!!"

Then she stormed off, and then a soldier came to the guy's side.

"General Shiraramamam… are we truly to go thorugh with this?"

"…Open the gates…"

"…What?"

"…Open the gates!"

"…I can't hear you! I think that woman deafened me or someth-"

"OPEN THE GATES!"

"…Yeah, still nothing."

So the soldiers opened the gate, and what was a narrow valley became a river.

…

So as the Crimean army awoke after passing out from the disastrous party, which only lasted fourteen minutes, they left another piece of Daein soil ruined. Continuing their slow journey, something seemed suspicious. The main thing revealed was how Brom sank underground up to his head, and then Rolf started jumping on it.

"The ground is wet! We can't move in these conditions!" shouted Soren

"Then what are we to do!" exclaimed Ike

"Well there's a river that flows by here. Perhaps somebody opened a gate!"

"USE ME! USE ME! I HAVE GOOD EYES! I SEE ALL! I… SEE… ALL…" his head tilted to the side as he said 'all', then climbed on Ulki's back, because he was too short to do so otherwise.

"A GATE! I SEE A GATE! THE RIVER IS FLOWING THROUGH IT… BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY THERE'S A GATE IN THE FIRST PLACE; THAT'S PRETTY STUPID! AND… IT'S NOT EVEN AFFECTING THIS AREA! ONLY A SMALL VALLEY… BUT THERE ARE DAEIN SOLDIERS!"

"YAY! Let's go kill them!" shouted Ike

So as the Crimeans approached the village, there were a dozen wyvern riders high in the air. They hovered down to attack, but got destroyed by the mages and archers. As this being their main battalion, everybody charged for the castle on top of the hill. A few units stayed behind, and took on a handful of remaining soldiers.

Rhys stood in the back, ready to heal any who were wounded, when Mia caught his eye. She lunged at two soldiers, stabbing one, and striking down the others lance, driving his head through the others blade. A guy with a poleax came from behind and struck! She somersaulted, lifted him above the ground with her legs, and threw him against a tree. A guy with a chainsaw and potato sack on his head screamed bloody murder and charged at her! She swung at each individual blade on the chainsaw, struck his knee, smacked the handle at his head, and while stunned, she drove the chainsaw into his chest!

"Wow…" Rhys thought, "Mia's really something… what's happening? My staff has gotten harder!... Not that staff, the other one… no wait… the third kind there is… who am I talking to?"

So as Rhys continued becoming a man, there stood the balding fat man on a purple wyvern with yellow spikes. **(A/N: Jill's story is VERY boring, so I don't even care I'm just going to skip it because I'm lazy and don't feel like insulting it. It's not even WORTH insulting!)** Jill flew ahead and challenged they commander.

"Father!"

"Jill! I can't fight my own daughter!"

And yet he did, as he flew in the air and struck her with his tomahawk, which REALLY wasn't a tomahawk, it was a golden axe! But it didn't matter, as Jill had the ability to level up, and was stronger than her own father, so he died! After the area was cleared, Ike seized the castle, and attempted to close the gates, but couldn't, so Rolf tried and did it.

"Soren, what's happened to the surrounding villages?"

"They're all destroyed! But who cares, let's move on!"

"NO! Let's give our money to them!"

"YEAH!" shouted the princess, then threw up all over Nephenee, and everybody laughed, including Soren. But as he wasn't paying attention, the army took the money to the villages. And so the army had NOTHING! Meanwhile, Ike saw Jill at the edge of the cliff.

"Jill, if it means anything, it was I who took your father's life!"

"…What the hell are you talking about!"

"…I don't know." And he left.

And while he was leaving, Ike noticed the reinforcements Begnion had given them, who were carelessly drawing in the snow

"I thought you guys were soldiers!" shouted Ike, "WHY have you helped us in any battles yet! That's something reinforcements are SUPPOSED to do!"

The three just mindlessly stared, and Ike gave up on them, and as he walked away, a bathtub fell on him.

…

Meanwhile, at the Daein Capital, Nevassa, Petrine stood there, beside the pink-haired girl from before, Ena.

"THE FOREIGNS LOST? TYPICAL FOREIGNERS! ENA! YOU ARE TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE CASTLE!"

"…Me?"

"YES YOU! YOU'RE A GOOD GIRL, AREN'T YOU! GOOD GIRL! HAVE A COOKIE!"

"I have returned!" shouted The Black Knight! "I know, it's been a couple months, cause I have this chronic sleeping disorder, and keep waking up in random places, so I figured, if I just keep sleeping, I'll eventually wake up in Daein Castle! Well that wasn't the case, but THEN-"

"There's a visitor for you, Ena!" interrupted a guard. Ena panted and ran in circles, licked the guard, then ran out the door.

"…Oh now I lost my place… hmm… where was I? Oh yes I think I remember, so THEN!" but then The Black Knight realized that he had fallen asleep and woken up who know how long later, and everybody was already gone. So he walked away, but fell asleep, and randomly teleported to an unknown location.

…

"Who's there?" asked Ena, as she went to a dark room

"It's me!" said a person, who was hiding behind the curtains.

"Did you bring it?"

"Yes, I did!" and he dropped it, and kicked it to Ena. "Why must you do this? He thinks nothing of you!"

"I must be by his side."

"He's no longer himself. He'll rip you to shreds and bite your head off!"

"As long as I'm with him, it does not matter. You have done all you can do, goodbye…………………………………………………Nasir…"

As the intense twist and drama of it all sunk in, Nasir attempted to get past the curtains to shout 'Ena', but got caught and fell out the window. He fell in the river, and flew downstream, until he saw an opening in the abyss.

…

"_…And then the monster popped it's head out of the toilet, and bit the kid in the ass…_" Tormod read, while he was in the outhouse. He looked down to ensure himself there was no monster, but somehow Nasir got stuck there. Tormod screamed so loud one of his lungs exploded. Then Muriam quickly burst in, as he's always watching the boy, then also screamed until he burst a blood vessel. And so there was a line-up of people to see what all the commotion was about in the outhouse, because people aren't very smart that way; when two people get injured, they're oblivious to the fact that they just might… JUST MIGHT get injured as well.

* * *

**(A/N: Yeah this is getting VERY off topic. I'll just end it right here, before things get wrong)**

Page 13


	22. A Duel at Dawn

**YAY! i finally post again! yes, i gave myself a vacation for like two weeks in the end of summer, because all my friends decided to go on vacation THEN and work wasn't giving me many hours for some reason. so YEAH, you'd probably do the exact opposite, but i don't care! i gots a spare in school, so i have more time to write; one problem is i don't get direct access to a computer, plus they're slow anyways, so i gots to write on paper like a normal person. anyways! i hate people who are STILL complaining how they wish it was still summer. just thought you'd like to know.**

* * *

A Duel at Dawn

"So we are to hold off the Crimean army right here" said some fat general

"Yes," said Ena. "General, why the hell do you think Daein attacked Crimea?"

"Why… it was because Crimea was dating Gallia… something… I don't know!"

"…As that may be the case, I think there was much more to it than that. You see, since each country in Tellius is conviently placed surrounding Begnion, and Daein is in the very corner, Daein could easily attack each one."

"…So?"

"…I dunno. I just felt like saying that. Bragging to people you know big words has its benefits. Now let's party!"

So a whole bunch of Daein soldiers came out of secret passages in the walls, some slid down ropes from the roof, and all of them danced to Rock Your Body. It was quite disturbing. Along with the flashing lights that came from nowhere and random tequila, nothing could explain where it all came from, or why Gatrie was the stripper…

…

Night stayed night, and everybody at the base had to listen to the party they weren't invited to all night. Ike stared at his tent roof, listening to the rhythmic beat of Soren doing all the taxes. Every so often Ike would shout 'GYM CLASS' or something to scare Soren and make him lose count. But it was not all at peace, as Shinon burst through Ike's tent; drunk… but that's not news…

"You've been telling people you think you're commander again… well I'M STILL commander. So I challenge thee to a duel at dawn."

"You can bet your ass I'll be there!"

But what Ike did not realized that as he stood up, it turned to dawn. So he was forced to not run away. The two took their positions, and a large crowd surrounded the two contestants.

"This'll be an epic fight." Shinon strung his bow, "First to draw blood loses. Don't disappoint me, Ike." He aimed.

"Oh well I'm not about to l-" but Ike got shot across the field by an arrow to the chest.

"THE SHOT WASN'T CLEAN! IKE'S STILL IN!" shouted Kieran, who was the referee apparently

"Oiya oiya oiya oiya oiya oiya oiya oiya" went the audience.

Ike got up and pulled the arrow out.

"How is there no blood!" asked Shinon

"Well it's quite simple really. Nintendo hardly makes any violent games, and Fire Emblem is rated for Everybody, so that mea-"

"I have NO idea what you're talking about! But I'm not so pissed off when you talk."

"Wait a minute!" thought Ike out loud, "If Shinon's pissed off, and he is actually a woman who BECAME a man because of his hair, then that must mean… he's having his period!!! I must last long enough that… he may do… whatever… he's supposed to do… nobody ever told me what a period is…" **(A/N: I don't even know… is that sad?)**

So while Ike was taking a beating, Rhys was trying to get the courage to talk to Mia again. She was talking to the other girls, and they were all making random bets.

"If Ike loses, I'll eat the loser!" said Ilyana

"If Shinon wins, I'll try and breed a mutant with my Pegasus and a horse!" said Marcia

"If Ike wins… I'll…" Mia struggled to think of something, then she turned around and saw Rhys, then an idea came to mind; something so random to impress her friends. "If Ike wins, I'll go all the way with Rhys."

They all gasped, and Rhys stood there frozen.

"Hey Rhys! You should come join us! Have some girl time!" said Nephenee

Rhys struggled to shrug, then waddled away to the main fight, then muttered _**"DAMN YOU, IKE, YOU BETTER DAMN WELL WIN! OR I'LL MACE YOU WITH MY STAFF!"**_

So as the intense battle continued, Shinon felt something was wrong, and dropped his arrow to the ground, he looked down and saw the miracles of life taking place… or whatever the hell it's supposed to be. Everyone gasped, and Rolf screamed like a little girl. Ike stood up, with 3 quivers worth of arrows in his chest, proclaimed himself victorious, and cut the arrows off his chest with his sword. Unfortunately… he missed…

…

"I have NO idea how you managed that, but you managed to cut your sword in half… WITH the same sword!" said Rhys

"Well things could be worse," said Ike, as he hugged his sword, which just returned from the medical tent.

"I don't care what anyone says. I'm still better than you, Ikie. And one day I'll…" but the day had finally come that Shinon had drunken himself silly, and his last brain cell died. He was still alive, yes, just… finally shutted up. **(A/N: For now… maybe)**

But then Soren came into the room, and was as mad as usual.

"What the hell is going on!!! We're supposed to be sieging the Daein castle right now!!!"

"…Oh yeaaaah… we better go do that, then do better stuff."

Everyone agreed and they all left for the castle.

…

The castle was probably the most damned ugliest thing you'd ever see in your life! There was no life to it, just on a rock or something. Stood tall and spiky, and didn't even have a moat. WHAT'S A CASTLE WITHOUT A MOAT!

"Ike! Something's wrong!" said Kieran

"What what."

"The castle doors!... They are open!"

"…Well isn't THAT a relief! I really had no plan to getting past the front gate. Cause we REALLY don't have any siege equipment, so we all probably would've gotten shot to death by arrows and flaming boulders and stuff."

Everybody mindlessly went through the gate, and then it slammed behind them.

"IT'S A TRAP! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" shouted one of those Begnion guards

"Death! DEATH! DEAR ASHERA, WHY MUST YOU SEND US TO OUR DEATHS!"

The third just panicked and shouted gibberish, wet himself, repeatedly hacked himself with an axe and jumped out the window.

"Fools! Nothing has attacked us YET!" Ike screamed, trying to calm them, "…YEEET!"

"It would seem that Daein is over-confident in themselves," said Devdan with his absurd accent, "…over-confident enough to… say… have an 'Ultimate Weapon' of some sort, wouldn't you agree?"

"……Kay… if the local retard can think of something like that, then it must be false!"

"I don't think that's true!" shouted Brom in the back, trying to get everyone's attention, but nobody cares for Brom.

"Hmm… well if two retards disagree, then we deal with this the only way we can… A FIGHT TO DRAW BLOOD!"

Everyone started to shout 'Oiya' over and over, but Soren couldn't take it anymore and pulled out a knife. He ran for the first person he could find, and attempted to stab him in the chest! Zihark just stared down at Soren, who couldn't even cut his shirt.

"Um… are you hitting on me?"

"Oh who cares! Let's just go kill some peoples!" shouted Ike

Everyone agreed to that, and they all ran to the throne room.

…

The throne room was the worst damned idea OF a throne room in the history of existence! It make a pointless spiral, a water system ran through the throne room, cause you know THAT'S cool! The Crimean army prepared themselves, and charged through to the throne room!

Along the way were a bunch of rooms with random treasures. It's not the smartest idea to keep all their valuables in little rooms like that, but nobody cares! The army was forced to divide into two, as there was an intersection right at the beginning, divided by the water flow. Daein attempted to ambush on many occasions, such as mages standing across the river, who got their faces clawed off by the hawks. In one of the rooms, a warrior was waiting, but he got completely owned by… somebody! Also a group of axe fighters attempted to ambush from the back, but even with all their attempts with that trick, it never EVER works.

But once the main army was killed, there was this giant circle path that led to the throne room. Ike had drank the water and got lead poisoning, so he couldn't talk some sense into a general with a horrible green beard, who was chasing the weaker people around the circle. Everybody wanted to kill him, but he was carrying around an amazing silver blade, plus made it very clear he had a legendary occult scroll, so if he died they would've disappeared. Eventually the healers found out Ike was faking the whole thing for attention, so Brom expelled gas through his anus on Ike's face. After Ike was treated for REAL poison, he ran in front of the crazy general in white armor.

"Who are you little man?"

"I'm Ike, and I am very interested in that o-"

"Your stance… are you Gawain's son?"

"Um… yes… but I'm still cur-"

"How is the old bastard?"

"Dead. Now PLEASE ANSWER MY QUES-"

"What? Who killed him?"

"YOU'RE IGNORING ME COMPLETELY! But it was somebody named The Black Knight. NOW ABOUT THAT-"

"I didn't know his power had grown so strong. I surrender myself completely to you, Ike!"

"YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU, I JUST WANT THAT OCCULT!!!"

"As you wish, master."

He handed it over, and went behind Ike to protect him.

"What a bitch!" Ike shouted, then made his way into the throne room.

"I've come to confront thee, thou Asslard, king of Daein!"

"He's not here," said Ena

"WHAAAAAAAAAAT!"

"Yes. He left for Crimean castle as soon as he gained control of the country."

"BUT THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE! THERE WAS A MOVIE WHERE HE WAS IN THIS CASTLE WITH THE BLACK KNIGHT AFTER WE LEFT BEGNION!"

"…I have no idea what you're talking about. But I must kill you all now."

So Ena folded her arms, and transformed into… a PINK dragon.

"EEEEEEVIL!" shouted Rolf

"So Gatrie made the first strike, and hardly did any damage to the massive beast. Ena breathed mercilessly on the knight, he ran across the throne room in flames.

"Wow… this is going to take everything we've got!" said Ike

So the army set up some towers and posts for archers and mages to stay at, and the paladins and healers prepared themselves for the worst. One by one the paladins struck the dragon, only to be countered by massive amounts of fire. As they screamed in pain, all the healers prepared to use their magic immediately, and they went around in a circle, and the cycle went on. The mages and archers continued to strike their weak attacks, and the towers were eventually burned down when Ena had time to destroy them. Slowly Ena began to lose her stamina, and when the battle seemed to turn the tide… she used an elixir.

"OH GOD FREAKIN DAMNIT! WE HAVE TO DO THAT AGAIN!!!!" Ike shouted in frustration, and everyone moaned, and the battle started all over again.

After another hour, Ena used another elixir, but then the healers staves were beginning to break, along with the paladins weapons. Once Ena used all her elixirs, she breathed fire across the whole throne room, seeing her victory at hand. But when all seemed lost, Ilyana stopped eating Tauroneo; as he wasn't good for anything else, and struck a simple thunder bolt at Ena. Completely petrified by the spell, she transformed back to her beorc form to avoid anymore pain.

"You win. Do what you want with me, I care not."

"Are you fo' real? For some stupid reason, I feel I should NOT kill you, but I have no idea why."

"I must go to him," and Ena ran past the army.

Just then Nasir came out of nowhere and stood in her way.

"…Who the hell are you?" asked Ike

"I'm Nasir!"

"……………Um………… you mean that guy I've only met twice in my life, and yet for some reason feels he's important and doesn't do anything?"

"Yes."

"OOOOOH! Okay then. Grab that bitch, will you? I'm lazy."

Nasir let her pass, and Ike ran towards him.

"…Nasir?"

"I'm sorry," and he smacked Ike with his head.

Ike fell on the ground, then shouted with all the might he had in him!

"…**Urp**!" He got up. "So YOU'RE the traitor!"

No response.

"You were following us because you were working for Daein?"

Nothing.

"And all that stuff that happened, that was all you?"

…Ike's continued attempts are sad…

"BLASPHEMY! Get this garbage out of my sight!"

…sad.

"Until you feel like talking, you'll be taken into custody, by these two guards that we still have lying around!"

"…Go to Palemi Temple…"

"WHAT did you just say?"

No response.

"HEY! I WASN'T LISTENING! WHAT DID YOU SAY!"

And Nasir was taken away.

…

"Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow!!!!" shouted Kieran. "I CAN'T believe Nasir was a traitor!"

"It's so unbelievable!" shouted Stefan, who started crying from the traitorous act.

"WHY! THERE IS NO GODDESS!" and Astrid fell to the floor.

"ARE YOU ALL KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Soren, madder than he's ever been in all his life, "I TOLD YOU ALL WE HAD A TRAITOR, AND HE DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING AROUND HERE!!!! HOW CAN ALL OF YOU BEEN SO DEPRESSING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT'S SO DAMN OBVIOUS!!!!!!!!!"

"Soren, how about you give it a rest! We're all upset, so let's just try and make the best of this. Look, we've made a memorial for Nasir, you can go release your sorrow there."

People were surrounding a stone tablet with roses and letters all around it, which had a picture of Nasir. Nobody had any control over themselves, and Soren left the castle to get some fresh air.

"Well… at least things couldn't get any worse tonight than they already are."

…

Outside the castle, at the old base, the statue of Boyd petrified was still there. It slowly shook, then it broke apart, and Boyd came out of it, angry and serious!

"BOYD LIVE! BOYD TAKE REVENGE ON PEOPLE!"

He ran towards the castle with his arms out, but then he found a bronze medallion on the ground. He lifted it by the chain and observed it closely.

"Pretty medallion! Boyd keep treasure for safekeeping!" and he whistled a tune and continued for the castle.


	23. A Bunch O' Rhys'

**Hey everyone. happy thanksgiving... in canada! oh and i know how i keep saying that i will post often and i don't as often as i expect to, but as i realized goddess of dawn is out in less than a month, so i better finish this before then. Because i will be playing always and probably never stop, and then there's the odd chance that i might die of seizure... or something... and i'm sure you people all want to see the ending of this SO!**

**oh and mr. zach yontz. yes... the only review i've ever replied to... well that's mainly cause your a critic. you should feel special. now i decided to try out makalov for myself, and yes, i can admit he does get fairly descent. but i wouldn't say he's the best, cause he still gets hit a considerate amount of times. and also i mainly killed him because he's a total faggot. there is no denying that. but just for you, i MIGHT bring him back... somehow... i'll work on that...**

* * *

A Bunch O' Rhys'

As morning came, Janaff climbed atop the jagged castle. The cold air burned in his nostrils, and his breath fogged his view from the foggy morning. As he peered into the distance, he spotted many things; some peasants working in a field, a cow getting mercilessly whipped, a laguz slave who bit off his master's head. But in the distance, he saw an army of dark soldiers making their way to the Daein hold.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" shouted Janaff, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Sweet box of bagels!" shouted Zihark, peering from the trapdoor, "why the hell are you screaming like that?"

"A BUNCH A- A BUNCH A- A BUNCH A SOLDIERS IN ARE COMING THIS WAY!!"

"Where?"

"Banana."

"…What?"

"AAAH! THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER! RUUN! RUUUUN!!!"

Zihark looked to the west where Janaff was frantically pointing.

"Um… there's nothing there."

"There's a whata?"

As it turned out Janaff had peered into Crimea where the Daein soldiers were, doing what they do best.

"Now will you shut the hell up now?"

"I have no friends."

"…I'll take that as a 'yes'."

"HEY, OLD MAN! GET YOUR WORTHLESS BUTT DOWN HERE!"

Zihark growled, "I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AN OLD MAN, KIERAN!"

"SHUT UP, PRE-PUBE! NO ONE EVER GROWS GREY HAIR AS EARLY AS YOU DO! NOW I WANT SOME BREAKFAST, DAMN IT!"

Zihark sighed, and Janaff continued to look in the cold. But then he saw an army even CLOSER! And at the CASTLE GATES!"

"AAAAH! AAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"SOMEBODY SHUT THAT THING UP!"

And a boot impaled Janaff, and he remembered he was deaf!

But down below an army in red armor was banging at the door, and were greeted by Ilyana, who missed her fourth breakfast. SO after more panic, the Crimean army running downstairs and screaming with the visitors, a guard randomly set ablaze, Ike awoke from his beauty sleep to see what the hell was going on.

"What the hell is going on?"

"I am General Zelgius! I was sent by The Apostle to help you guys out!"

"AHAHAH! As if she could tell you directly! She's so short and… short… you look just like me!"

"And you just like me twelve years ago!"

"AWWWW!" they both went, afterwards making kissing noises with their lips.

"IKE! I HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM!" shouted Soren

"Yeah yeah, in a minute, bitch."

"…Ike, I need to use it NOW!"

"Damn it, Sory, I'm a little busy right now!"

"NOOOW! IKE!"

And so he dragged him to the bathroom to have a conversation with him.

"Don't you realize what's happening here?"

"I NEVER know what's happening here! That's why I hired YOU!"

"…The Apostle only sent us reinforcements of such great numbers so that they can take our fame for claming Crimea back! If we don't do something about it, we'll-"

Somebody in the stall had to go really bad, as they made many grotesque noises and groans and shrieks of pain.

"THE PAIN!"

"…we'll just-"

"OOOOW! LET ME DIE!"

"…we-"

"WHY DIDN'T I BRING A SWORD?"

"……………w-"

"NO MORE DONUTS EVER!"

"Ok, who the hell is in there??"

"…Who's out there?" the man awkwardly asked.

Ike and Soren braved all fears and opend the stall to see who the intruder was.

"A DAEIN SOLDIER!" cried Soren

"NO! DON'T KILL ME!"

"**WHAT DID YOU DO???"**

"YOU SHALL DIE RIGHT HERE AND NOW!"

"I'VE BEEN CONSTIPATED FOR 36 HOURS!"

"**HOW DID YOU GET IT ON THE ROOF???"**

"YOU'RE A LIAR AND A TRAITOR!"

"PLEASE!... PLEASE GIVE ME MY PANTS BACK!"

"**UGH… HOW COULD THIS GET ANY WORSE?"**

And as Ike said the magic words, the toxic chemicals in the toilet ignited in a spontaneous combustion.

…

So as everything was resolved, the soldier was sentenced to be the new whipping boy. Everyone was put to work to clean up the disaster that got ALL over the castle.

"So you plan to go visit a temple?" asked Zelgius

"Why yes. I forget the name OF the temple, but what's his face said to visit one, and apparently there's only one in all of Daein!"

"I can bring some of my men if you want?"

"Nah! I want to keep my numbers as minimum as possible."

All the soldiers groaned in distress.

"I plan to only take like… five people? Hmm… who to take?...

Ike hovered over all his soldiers, thinking of who looked the coolest.

"Um… Oscar… Rhys… OH, Mordecai!"

Mordecai squealed in delight, as he's had the least participation out of anyone.

"Nah, just kidding, Mordy! NOBODY LOVES YOU! AHAHAH!" Ike pointed and laughed.

"Well besides Soren and the stupid princess, I think that's everyone… but it feels like somebody's missing…"

Just then the gate doors burst open, as Boyd burst through, damp and covered in moss. Anger filled his eyes, hatred that could chill the very soul. He ran for Calill, who had put him under his curse, but he was taken off guard by Mia, who just stood there.

"…WUAHAHAHAH! PURPLE HAIR! AHAHAHA!"

"You won't harass her anymore!" shouted Rhys from the third floor.

He had felt confident all morning after he finally became a man the night before. But what he didn't realize WAS that it was Mia who was the man. Of course he's never done anything like it before, so… he never thought of it suspicious.

"You shall face my wrath, Boyd!"

And Rhys grabbed a hold of the chandelier, and gave a warcry of incredible terror! Unfortunately, Rhys didn't time his jump well… or at all, and smacked straight into the wall, and then fell down three stories!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH… SORRY OUT OF… BREATH… HUUUUU… AAAAAAAAH-" and Rhys hit the ground hard, squirming in pain.

"…Well as long as THAT'S out of the way, let's get a move on!"

So the group finally departed for the temple.

…

"'DA HELL? The army is coming HERE?"

"It is thy will of Ashera. Be drawn to it. Cut thy self."

"'DA HELL WITH THAT! We ain't leaving, bitches!"

"Cut thy wrist horizontally, not vertically. It is thy will of Ashera."

"C'MON, retards! We gotta get ready, or it'll be 'DA HELL WITH you!"

"Cutting thyself is a relief from everyday stress. Here, I shall gladly show thy how it is starts…"

So while a drunken man and an emo priest bickered among themselves, the small group came to the temple doors.

"Look up there, Oscar!" Ike pointed to the roof

"Is that Reyson?"

"HEE!"

So Reyson struggled to keep his ninja skills going, and evidently fell to the ground.

"Hello, Ike."

"Hey, pussie."

"What?"

"We're gonna explore the temple!"

"I, too, want to explore the temple.

"HAHAH! Good LUCK! Now let's get a move on!"

So the group went inside, where the priest struggled to stay focused. He shook and sweated like a dog, until finally he couldn't take it and pulled out his blade.

"YA DUMB BITCH! NOW you, too, shall suffer the consequences!"

"… I have NO idea what's going on, but OKAY!"

"HAHAH! But this won't be a fair fight!"

"HUH???"

And suddenly a hundred or so priests came out of nowhere, blocking the path to the lunatic madman.

"We can't hurt innocent priests! Do whatever you can to avoid casualties!"

So the army tried to get past, but there were just so many in the way, it wasn't possible to pass through. They all stared with their large eyes, making muffled noises behind their hoods.

"Push them out of the way!" shouted Ike

So everyone started tossing them to the side

"HAHAHA! YOU'RE SO OLD!" shouted Boyd, as he pointed and laughed at a priest on the floor

Soren struggled to push them out of the way, but then one priest who was suicidal, hesistantly shot a bolt of light magic at him. It had no affect, but the shot struck Soren's book, which automatically countered with a thunder bolt; his head exploded and his body fell to the ground.

"WHOA! That was easy!" then Soren came to a realization. These priests were easy practice, so everyone decided to just hack at them like there was no tomorrow! **(A/N: I must say, this actually is a very good idea. Well not with your combat characters, but use your mages repeatedly, cause magic is extremely hard to level, and you'll probably get a full weapon upgrade by attacking them. Mist can bud in as well. Besides, you get some all powerful staff, but when the hell are you ever going to use it? I never do! But if you like… to be good… then whatever.)**

Everyone hacked away, as one by one the priests suffered horrible deaths to their spines, heads or groins. Boyd tossed axes all around, Oscar chased priests like slaves and ran them over, Soren pulled a rapid-fire tome, and repeatedly blew off priest heads with a maniacal laugh! Rhys just cowered as his comrades suffered the horrible fate; one tried to fight him just because, and Rhys merely poked his head, and it exploded!!! Just then, reinforcements from the temple came in. The Feral Laguz self-consciously charged at the priests, ripping their heads off and clawing through their torsos! When the killing got old, they had a priest head volleyball competition; the dead corpses were the net!

So when they were done, they finally decided to kill the bastard standing at the end of the hall. But to save burying all the bodies later, they threw them at him like softball practice, so they disappeared on their own in battle. Eventually the guy got tired, and Boyd hurled an axe at his head.

…

As the halls cleared, the group made their way to a tiny room.

"Let's split up and everyone looks around!" said Ike

"Can I help?" asked Elincia

"Why not? Everyone else is!"

"Yay!" and she tripped over herself and landed on her neck. After that she threw up all over herself as well. And to top it off, she giggled the whole time.

"Ike, I found this book under the bed!" said Soren

"Well whoop-dee-freakin-doo! Where the hell else IS there TO look, Soren? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONE!"

"IIIIIKE!" shouted Rhys, "There's writing on the walls!"

"WHOA! There is! Good job, Rhys! You should be my new tactician!"

"IIIIKE! Reyson looks troubled!" said Oscar

"Oh well I wouldn't worry… actually… I just don't care."

"This is a lot of writing!" said Boyd "could take hours to read!"

"I'TS only like 20 sentences!" shouted Soren

"I have some disturbing news!" said Reyson, "It turns out that yet ANOTHER heron survived the massacre. My sister, Lillia. She was kept in this room, and was repeatedly forced to touch an item!"

"IKE, COULD THAT BE-"

"A woman helped her. Eventually they came to trust each other, even though they did not speak the same language, or have anything in common. It was clear that Lillia wanted to see the sky again, so this woman helped her escape."

"IT HAS TO BE HER!"

"According to the writing, she had blue hair, and her name was probably Elena."

"I KNEW IT! IT WAS MY MA'!"

"Are you fo' real?"

"…………NEVER do that again! And yes, I am serious. My mother had blue hair and her name was Elena!"

"Well, it was maybe her name. They didn't speak the same language, and-"

"Hey wait a minute!" interrupted Soren, "I think I know what Ashnard's true motives were all this time! **YOU DO!"** Interrupted Boyd

"You see, Ashnard somehow diabolically **UH HUH **planned out the Serene's massa**NOOOOOO**cre so that he could capture a heron and use**THAT'S **it**CWAZY** to revive the dark god in the medallion! But **OH I** it **REALLY**failed because **HAVE****TO**only **PEE**Altina can do such a thing and she doesn't hang **WHAT'S A** around **PHOTON**anymore. But Ashnard **OH CRAP**doesn't know that, **I THINK**and **SOMEBODY**he's **IS GRABBING** just some **MY NUTS**crazy **OH WAIT I** ass bitch **STILL****HAVE MY**who BOYD, I swear if you don't shut the hell up, you'll wake up with a spoke in your throat… **Cashews**….!"

"Well you must have the medallion, Ike!" stated Reyson

"Well actually… Mist kinda lost it when we ate her…"

"How… how could this be?"

"YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN MORE CAREFUL, IKE! DAMN YOUR FAMILY IS FULL OF RETARDS!"

Immediately after shouting that, Boyd pulled out the medallion he found and started playing with the chain like a cat, when Ike realized what he must do.

"I must go to Crimea, and I shall give Ashnard the biggest ass-whooping anyone has EVER received! For the sake of everyone who's suffered at his hands; my father, Kieran's horse, Pedals…"

"Who's Pedals?" asked Reyson

"Your sister!"

"IT'S LILLIA!"

"…is it? Well, then for Lillia's sake, too. And after that I shall-"

"HOW DID YOU GET PEDALS FROM LILLIA?"

"…You really have no idea HOW my mind functions, do you?"

"NO!" shouted Reyson, and he struggled to open the door to leave, until Boyd exhaled.

"Now we must prepare to return to Crimea! Back to the castle, men!"

So everyone left, until Ike wasn't looking where he was going and walked into a wall with a nail sticking out, impaling his eye. He screamed and cried, and everyone threw stuff at him, until he passed out… from dehydration of crying…

* * *

**I guarantee another will be up by monday, cause i gots no homework this long weekend.**


	24. The Big Bridge

**Hurrah! this must be a record for how fast i can post! well... nothing ever happens in two days... **

* * *

The Big Bridge

"So what shall we do now, Ike?" asked Rhys

"Well since The Great Bitch, Ashnard went to Crimea, I suppose it's time we go there for a big showdown!"

"Yeah! And then maybe we can become mercenaries again with all our new experience, and we can become legends and smite all we come across; even the dumbass townsfolk! And then-"

But Boyd was interrupted by a massive explosion from the Daein Keep. All the windows shattered through, flames erupted out of the ground, towers crumbled as Begnion soldiers fell to their deaths, impaled by jagged rocks and sharp spikes protruding from the walls!!

"My Hair! It's in my hair!" screamed Marcia

"My baby! Where's my baby?!" Rolf cried amist the chaos!

The Castle leaned to and all of the Crimean soldiers fell out of an open window and onto safety by the dead pile of Begnion guards. Brom and Calill were the last to come out, and while Brom smiled and Calill walked away like nothing happened, he shouted "Same time tomorrow?!"

…

"So you're going to give the castle to me… about two minutes after it completely combusted for unknown reasons?"

"Yep!"

"…And you're not going to give us any coverage for the damage?"

"Nope!"

"…And you still expect us to pay for it?"

"Yep!"

"…Okay, that sounds fair!"

So Ike and Zelgius did a trade over the castle, and the army was off to their homeland… well the homeland to most of them…actually not even most.

Eventually they came to an end of the snow pile, and an invisible wall kept it from falling over onto the grass. Stefan kept ranting on about how THAT was the border, but no one would listen, because he also still thinks he's a hermit crab. As nightfall came, they set up camp and overlooked a giant bridge, which they would cross the next day.

"My Lord My Son Ike!" the princess said to Ike, "a man wearing no pants said we will be in Crimea tomorrow!"

"I was told the same thing!"

"It feels so long since I've been there. Ah sweet Crimea… how delicious you taste… better than the other countries…"

"……Well it has been like a year since we've left."

"More like six weeks," said an anonymous voice, "and I better leave the retard couple to their 'supposed' romantic moment."

"THAT VOICE!"

"What voice?" and out came Ranulf from the bushes.

"RANULF! HUGS!"

"HEY HEY! I don't even know you!"

"…Oh you still have that-"

"AAH! Gotcha there! I got a lesson into remembering stuff!"

Well actually he didn't, but he was given a brief reminder of the man who pronounced his love mere seconds before he spoke.

"So… what are you doing here?"

"Well I got impatient, so I ran all the way to see you!"

"……Wait… you ran… directly through enemy territory just to see us?"

"Why yes! Oh sure, I almost died nearly seven times, was imprisoned, and someone tried to steal my pet hat, but beyond that, it was no problem!"

"So is Gallia going to help me?" asked the princess

"Yes! We decided to help out in the war and we're waiting on the other side of the country!"

"Hey wait a minute, we already knew they were going to help! Back when we were in Daein Nasir told Shinon!"

"…That smartass tone doesn't sound like you. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH IKE?!?!?"

"Haha, oh that is so like y- AAAAH!!!"

And Ranulf got Ike in a headlock and attempted to bite his head off! He ripped the skin off his skull and tried to eat his brain! The princess tried to hold in her vomit, but instead it came out of every other hole in her body and she collapsed. While Ranulf was still insane, Boyd and Kieran walked by and saw Ike.

"HAHAAH! Ike, you just got P- owned!"

"That's not how you say it! It's POu- nd"

"P-!

"POu-"

"P-"

"POu-"

…

"…Hey I'm really sorry for trying to eat your brains, Ike."

"Oh don't mention it; it's not the first time it's happened."

"Well as long…… wait, really?"

"Well now I don't remember ANYMORE!"

"Well anyways. OH, I was wondering what the hell happened to Nasir!"

"Um… oh you mean the fruit captain with light blue hair?"

"I think so…"

"He was dubbed a traitor and locked up and I don't know where he is now!"

"Really? Well I know him being a spy for Gallia cause we don't trust you guys was harsh, but-"

"What are you talking about? He take arms when an enemy general escaped! He's a traitor if I've ever heard one!"

"…Oh… well forget I said anything then… um… I want to speak with him at some point!"

"Well I hate to break it to you, but we just arrived at the bridge!"

"WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR TWENTY MINUTES!" shouted Soren

"Oh… well then let's get ready to RUUUUUMBLE!"

Meanwhile on the other side of the bridge, General Petrine rode around shouting at people, then she came upon Haar, who was taking a piss.

"YOU BETTER GET IN LINE OR YOU'LL FACE MY LANCE!"

"Um… you do know I have a bladder problem, right?

"NO EXCUSES!"

"General Bitchin'… I-I mean Petrine, the traps are set up!"

"THE TRAPS THAT ARE ON THE BRIDGE ARE SET UP FOR THE CRIMEANS TO FALL INTO???"

"Y-yes…"

"WELL THEY BETTER BE. SOMETIMES EVEN THE SIMPLEST TRICKS PULL THE BEST RESULTS!"

"Um… give one example where that's true!"

"WELL… RIGHT NOW!!"

"Y-yes General!"

So the Daein army took their positions, and luckily all the Crimeans heard Petrine's shouts from the other side, so they were prepared for tricks, but they didn't know where they were exactly, but they overlooked how the majority of them have IQ's less than a dolphin. But instead of giving the Daein's the advantage, they just decided to charge on, and if casualties occur, they'd just have to deal with them!

So the battle was on! The Crimeans charged at full speed, but then the Daein trap was coming into place! One by one, the soldiers fell through holes in the bridge, and fell to their deaths! All the paladins fell, then the soldiers on foot! Soon enough the three generals fell, and Boyd exclaimed, "I DON'T WANNA LIVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT BROOOOOOOoooooo-" and he too died. The hawks and flyers also were impaled by catapults; Jill got her wing busted with a gas leak! She spun in circles to the ground until her wyvern exploded in mid-air. The two hawks exploded in bursts of light, and eventually all that was left was Ike and Ranulf! Ranulf stayed behind to fend off Daeins from the rear, and Ike was a sissy afraid to die. Until eventually there were so many holes, that it caused an outburst in the bridge. All the soldiers on it plummeted to their deaths, and it completely collapsed and exploded in odd locations. Ike, too, fell, an it was at that time he came to appreciate life. But then… he hit the ocean surface… and he was no more…

…

Eventually Ike came to on a pile of everyone else! He was in a giant orange dome, and along with all his companions, many Daein soldiers were below them!

"Where the hell are we?" asked Ike

"I wish I knew!" shouted Gatrie

Everyone moaned with the huge pile of people, when Ike realized everything seemed really familiar. He looked down below the pile, and after seeing the blue fuzzy surface, he knew exactly where he was!

"Oh my God! I KNOW WHERE DEAD PEOPLE GO!"

"Where?!" asked Rolf, with somebody's foot up his mouth.

"It was right in front of us all along, but we are…"

There was a pause, as everyone came in for a closer hearing.

"…inside Ranulf's hat!"

"……………HOW?!" shouted Lethe

"I don't know! But there must be someway we can get his attention!"

"NEEIGH!"

"Oh look, Mist is here… and… Titania! HI!"

Titania's headless body waved.

"Don't forget about little ol' me!"

"…Who the hell are you?"

"Makalov, luv!"

"……And just how long were you saving that line for?"

"Oh, about twenty-six years now!"

"…Well then, perhaps we should all work together, and like… try and shout at Ranulf until he notices us!"

"It will do you no good!" shouted …someone… "The man of this hat has not taken it off since the day he was born! When he hears voices, he only thinks it's his hat talking. But there is a way to come back to the real world…"

"Mmyes? What might that be?"

"The only way, which has proven impossible since… Ranulf was born… is to jump that crater, attack the giant gray hair, and claim that sword to stab into this thing's skin!"

So Ike did all that, and then a pillar of light began to evaporate everyone!"

"Wait!" shouted a soldier, "if it was that easy all along, why the hell did nobody do it until NOW?!"

"Because nobody has asked." The guy simply said

So as everyone returned to the real world, all the Crimean soldiers dematerialized onto the cliff where Ranulf was. But at the same time, every single person who had died in all the history of Tellius appeared where the bridge was, and they all fell to their deaths yet again. It was quite a sight, as people screamed and cried in pain and the sound of bones crunching against each other echoed across the ravine. Many of the Crimeans tried to look away, as the horror went on for fifteen straight minutes. But soon enough it came to a stop, and the entire pile of dead people was big enough for a bridge to the other side!!!

…

"Look, Bastian! The Crimean army is here!... as well as… a very large pile of dead people…" said a female swordfighter with REEEEAlly long blue hair.

"Ho ho HO! 'Tis not be a problem for clever Bastian, oh fair Lucia! Clever Bastian shall return to the castle and inform of very large Geoffrey! Ho ho HO!"

"…You know I don't take anything seriously from you, you brain-dead elf! And not the good kind, no… you're one of those… Christmas elves!"

"Never fear, oh tall and fair Lucia! Clever Bastian shall depart, and no Daein dim-wit is of wit to foe clever Bastian! Ho ho HO!"

And he skipped through the trees to who know where. Meanwhile Haar was still taking a piss near the trees and missed all the excitement, when Jill approached him.

"General Haar!"

"Um… hey, Jill!"

"Come join us!"

"…Okay… General Jill…"

And then Petrine road out of the castle, and Soren was the first to engage her.

"WE ARE SO MUCH IN COMMON, SEE!"

"How?"

"WE ARE BOTH EMO AND CUT OURSELVES!"

"I'm not emo! I just LOOK… although cutting myself once in awhile might not be a bad id-"

"FOOL! PREPARE TO FACE MY LANCE! YOU ARE OF NO MATCH FOR THE LOUDEST PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF TIME!"

"…Well that's probably true cause no one who came back to life and died again screamed louder than you talk-"

And then a fire lance impaled Soren, but had no affect on him!

"IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Now face MY LANCE… which is a spell!"

And a thunder bolt struck her, and her head exploded.

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE HERE! SO SCARED!" and she vaporized to Ranulf's hat!

"Haha… eat lice, bitch!"

…

"Lady Elincia!" shouted Lucia

"You!" she shouted back

"I brought something for you!" and she pulled out a green blanket.

The princess squealed and hugged it, until she fell asleep on the spot. Meanwhile Kieran confronted her, and just stared downwards.

"…HAHAHA! I CAN SEE STUFF I SHOULDN'T!!!"

"Well here we are!" said Ike, "I've been keeping Nasir in this windowless supply tent! I didn't want to bother anyone, so I left him here unattended to."

Ike and Ranulf walked in the tent.

"NO! It can't be! Nasir is gone! But how?! He WAS here two days ago... when I tossed some breakfast in! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!?! THERE IS NO GODDESS!!!!"

So Ike broke into tears, and Ranulf patted him not knowing what else to do, then Kieran rode by screaming cause Lucia was chasing him!

* * *

** Oooh that crazy Kieran, always getting into trouble, he is... well actually that's Boyd... oh well Kieran deserves some credit; he's an axe wielder after all.**


	25. Yet another Sad Battle

**Wow this must be an epic moment in history! I posted twice in one day! Well that's because considering I had a long weekend, and no homework to do in my spare, I just decided to write, and managed to put on my computer right after school. Pretty epic, like epic enough to make the news! Well... another might come soon, but don't count on it.**

* * *

Yet another Sad Battle

Rain rained down on a murky castle… in a murky field. Inside a knight with green armor and short blue hair squinted through the window. Bastian the Christmas elf stood on two stools just to be of just under equal height to the Geoffrey's height.

"You must calm yourself, young padawan! Take deep breaths and you shall feel the spirit of the trees flow through you…… ho ho!"

"It's not use! I only grow more weary the longer we are apart, and the goddess sees fit to bring rain on this glorious day!"

"…Soft rain is like a kiss on the cheek… such as mine on Lucia's… oh, I forgot she was your sister… older sister… that's embarrassing… ho ho!"

The rain rained harder and louder, and thunder and lightning struck repeatedly as Bastian struggled to think of more analogies.

"…And the intense storm is us making out… the thunder is us banging and screaming against the wall on your bed… and the lightning is us taking pictures!... oh no!... I-I-I'll be right back… in five minutes… AAAH!"

So as Geoffrey grew more impatient, he trotted his horse out the door to get a closer look.

"_**Yeesss… the rain only makes me crave more blood…"**_

"Shut up, demon!" and Geoffrey looked out in the distance, "I see them! The Crimeans are here!"

"They are?! So soon!!" and Bastian struggled to put his clothes back on and ran outside, "Where? I can't see where you're looking!"

"Over there!"

"…Well just SAYING won't tell me! Move your horse's head… or something…"

So Geoffrey did so, and Bastian squinted in the relative direction he was directed at.

"…Geoffrey, that's not the Crimeans! Those are Daein soldiers!"

"Please tell me you're joking!"

"Please tell me YOU'RE joking! How the hell can you not tell the difference between a bunch of tough soldiers in armor as black as night, and a band of colorful dim-wits?!?"

"Well exCUUUUUSe ME if I'm Crimean!"

…

Meanwhile, the band of colorful dim-wits sat happily, free of worries of the princess, as Lucia kept her entertained with a napkin and a set of keys.

"It's nice to finally be able to relax…" Ike sighed

"It's nice to finally get some beautiful women around here!!" screamed Kieran

"Hell yeah!" agreed Boyd

Ilyana nodded repeatedly and drooled.

"Well as long as we can forget out troubles and just let go of some stress… I mean, we can't just pin ALL our responsibilities on Soren forever; that's some hard work!"

Soon enough Elincia finally fell asleep. Lucia stretched her arms, which got the Kieran, Boyd and Ilyana worked up. Then she sat up, and stretched her arms to touch her toes. That got them all perked up even more! All their heads shot up!

"I think…" Lucia stated, "…I am going to take a shower……………… outside in the rain!"

She went behind a sheet with a candle also on the other side, changed out of her clothes, and walked outside in the rain.

"Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god! Think, Boyd, Think! Lots of people depend on me! I can't lose myself to probably the hottest women in all of Tellius!... Well that one soldier we fought wasn't half bad… Bitchin' was her name or something…mmmmm… charcoaled bacon…"

While Boyd had absolutely no idea that he just said that out loud, Rolf had given a memorial service to his bow. Sothe and Tormod attended as well, Sothe because he planned to stab Rolf in the ass with a butterknife. When it was over, the three walked back to the tent, where they walked into Lucia. The three children just stared, until finally Tormod asked, "…Where do babies come from?"

After all the drama that occurred, Bastian ran through the tent door!

"Daein soldiers attacked Delbray Castle! We must go elsewhere!"

"NOOO! I mustest protect Jeffy!"

"It's too late, princess!" said Lucia, "Those soldiers were **lost** the moment they were **found**…? We cannot risk your life at any cost!

The princess burst into a squealing cry, followed by a couple coughs and hacks.

"Hold on ju-" Ike tripped over Titania, who was STILL headless after coming back to life, "Hold on just a minute! The princess wants to go back, so then we must go back!"

"Sacre Bleu! Breaking rule #3 in the Begnion Law Book: disagreeing with that hideous ugly thing with buns in its hair. The only suitable punishment…… IS DEATH!"

"Have you forgotten your duties as commander of the army?! Where are your morals? Have you no mind? Take some responsibility!"

"…The only reason I am the commander is because I made a bet with some short hag that I could slay some horribly and miserably fat man! NOW my employer wants to go back! If you feel so stupid to not go, then watch the footrest that eats so I can do SOMETHING ELSE! AAAAAAAAH!!!!"

And Ike banged his face repeatedly on the tent support, until it broke in half and he was knocked out.

"My Lord My Son Ike…" sighed the princess, but then Devdan smacked her in the face with a frying pan, and the army was off!

…

Geoffrey stood at the castle, along with the rest of his 'army', some knights, two archers, and a healer. For strange and unknown reasons, the Daein soldiers decided to spread themselves across the field instead of attacking directly, and soon enough the Crimeans came into view. Everyone quickly equipped their weapons and charged to help their allies. They were first bombarded by a wave of arrows, which the generals took the hit for. Gatrie and Brom still had a thing going on, while Tauroneo tried to prove he was still hip, even though he had to be twice their ages combined. The hawks and flyers flew north along the river, where some bandits gathered, and the main army split into two groups; each separating over a different bridge.

"Do you really want to help?" asked the princess

"I've never been more certain in all my life!" said Bastian

"His words got to me, too… but don't worry; it's unlikely any more Daein reinforcements should come, so leaving you unattended is probably the best option!"

Elincia attempted to clap, and the two fighters caught up with the main army. Bastian used the power of the trees to blow wind at his foes, and in times used a backstabbing knife. Lucia used an aura of slicing and kicking at her foes, her valiant hair blew in the wind as her clothes soaked of rain. Boyd couldn't take his eyes off her, and ended up getting sniped by a catapult in the eye!

But soon enough The Black Knight awoke from the trees, and stepped out to see where he was.

"…OOH! Now how did I get here?! Okay, I shall consult a doctor first thing tomorrow morning! First, kill!"

"…AAAH! IT'S HIM!" cried Ike, and remembering what happened last time, everyone ran for their lives! Everyone remembered except Kieran, who was too caught off guard by Lucia to protect everyone else with his god-like powers. Instead, Reyson could not keep up with the group, and ended up engaging The Black Knight!

"…Aren't I supposed to capture a heron?... Well… I told myself I'd get the female one… so… I like to stick with my target." And he shot a laser at Reyson, who exploded and vaporized to a new location, because of Soren's theory of very important people.

Same thing happened to Ranulf!

"You are no match for the likes of me! Run while you can!"

"… Hi, I'm Ranu-" and Ranulf got smoked in the head, and too, vaporized.

But with such little discouragement, the group continued onwards, and was intercepted by a knight in purple armor!

"You are no match for the might of a good warrior!"

"HAHAH! Yeah! And we have no idea who you are! You're not even one of the Four Riders! What a sissy!"

And Ike jumped over the horse and sliced at the man with a horrible shave, and then Muriam lifted a rock from a cliff and threw it down on the paladin. Everyone rejoiced, and Ike hurried to reach the castle before an anonymous timer went off!

"Hey Geoffrey!" cried Kieran!

"…Kieran! You live?"

"Why yes, sir! I was imprisoned and have been with this group ever since! Oh, some of these people are quite the stupid ones, but your sister is one NICE catch! Seriously, I think I might get her drunk and go all the way! You never know what an axe-wielder can do!"

"Uh-huh, that's great Kieran…" not listening to a word he just said, looked out in the distance and saw the return of Lucia and Bastian.

"Hey, where's the princess?" asked Ike, when he realized The Black Knight was right beside her!

However the two were having a pleasant conversation… well actually The Black Knight was just expressing his feelings as to how he had no friends and loved to harm things. The princess just stared in the distance while birds took dumps on her.

"Perhaps another day!" and The Black Knight went back in the trees as he saw the Crimeans rejoicing and dancing like retards.

…

"Princess! The day is neigh that you become our new Queen!" exclaimed Geoffrey

"We are forever your servants… or if you grow brain cells, your slaves!" screamed Lucia

"Is this bun really THAT gay?"

"Oh you all makes me so happy!" and the princess clapped some more as the three bowed before her

"Hey!" interrupted Ike, "I thought you already pledged your loyalty like before the war!"

"Well… actually we didn't…"

"Oh… oh okay!"

Then as everyone partied some more into the night, Ike ran out the castle. He turned the corner, and was greeted by… The Black Knight!

"It appears I underestimated you; I assumed you would've attacked the moment you saw me, knowing how your mind works!"

"Well I hardly HAVE a mind, so no one can predict what I can do… kinda like this!"

And Ike jumped up and down with his hands behind his head and screamed while sticking his tongue out. The Black Knight covered his helmet as saliva was getting all over him.

"Can we just get on with this?"

"Oh fine!... Meany!"

So the two forward to engage, then stepped back again. Ike did a backflip, leaped in the air, and struck The Black Knight with incredible speed and power! However, nothing happened!

"Why… why doth me attackos do nothing…o?"

"My armor is blessed by the goddess. Only weapons that also have can do as much as scratch it!"

"Huh?"

"The only sword that can counter Aldonite, is Ragnell!"

"The sword you threw at my father? The one my father refused to wield? The one that is all shiny and gold and seemed oh so tempting to eat? That's Ragnell???"

"That it is. Please tell me you were not STUPID enough to leave it in that place!"

"…Um…"

"I claim victory today. Next time we fight, use a proper weapon; I grow bored!"

So The Black Knight took a step back, and warped away from the field. Ike stood frantically in his spot, wondering what the hell to do! Eventually he decided to do what he thought was the right thing, and made a frantic dash for Gallia!

* * *


	26. The Pantless Freak

**Another chapter at last. Took longer than I expected. And when I came on today somebody who doesn't even have an account flamed me, but I found it really funny! Well first off, what other 'crap'? And then they had review twice cause they're retarded, and if this is such 'crap' why did you read the whole thing??? Well anyways, that made my day. I might post again tomorrow if I have time, considering I have like the next three chapters written on loose leaf... just haven't had time to put them on the computer.**

* * *

The Pantless Freak

"So what do you think of this pose, Leanne?" said Tibarn in his Phoenicis Castle, flexing his muscles repeatedly.

"**lahfldahfoawelsd vsljf vldhao"**

"Yes, it is a shame I worked so hard in the gym and can't even fight like this."

"**slfaeorw aldjasblyroweujl jvld"**

"Yes, I do wonder why you talk in your language and I in mine."

"**lahfwoey acnkjb hwieurwnh d"**

"Oh? You want to see me flex some more? OHH! How could I not resist!"

"You can understand what she's saying, can't you, Tibarn?" said Lotz, the substitute assistant to Tibarn.

"Well OF COURSE I can! Damn you laguz slaves! You're even worse than that thing with an ugly nose!"

Well actually Tibarn can NOT understand Leanne, but just pretends he can. For the most part, Leanne is begging to get fed or go outside.

"This letter came for you, Tibarn!"

"Did it now? Well it must be-"

But then the letter exploded in Tibarn's face.

"…Damn those letter bombs… whoever created these deserves to whipped in the ass until their nose bleeds!...Well knowing me, which I do, that letter was from Reyson begging for help from me! Well let's get a move on! Come Leanne, you must pack your things!... whatever the hell there is to pack, all you wear is that white… thing…"

"**worirednhlk vslha fekrh"**

"Oh yes, you never got to see me flex, let me just change into something more comfortable…… and by that I mean a different necklace!"

Leanne sighed and got Lotz to help her stuff some stuff into a suitcase.

"…Um… I have absolutely NO damn idea what the hell you are saying!... But I'll give it a shot anyways! What should I do?"

"**roweyrh volslruweohknd"**

"Um… put that in the case?"

"**kwyrewo rofdnkfd hwsiorfs"**

"…I'm putting… in the case…"

"**salryhwoe khkshfeigh trndk"**

"Um…… NOT in the case?..."

"**WEKLYV KEDHNIFIESBFGVDU GHBIERBFISFB SDUYGVIW EYUISGFWEUIDYGEGTRF8UI!"**

"…Okay… so I-BUAAAH!" and Lotz was stabbed from the Black Knight's impatience, while Leanne screamed uncontrollably.

"…What a bitch… NOW! Stop that screaming if you want to live… oh wait… I can't kill her no matter what… so… I hope she doesn't understand me!"

She did, and continued to scream. The Black Knight struggled to pull her through the portal, which took several minutes. It was… quite a sad sight… considering how powerful The Black Knight is, and how horribly terrible Leanne was; just the feint gust of wind from him moving his hand at her caused severe injuries. So eventually he prevailed, and a second too late, Tibarn rushed in.

"What the hell happened here?!?!"

"Guaaah… Knight… in Black Armor…"

"CURSE YOU, DAEIN! YOU MADE ME LOOK BAD! ME!!! I SHALL SEEK MY REVENGE!!! JUST YOU WAIT!!!"

So Tibarn jumped out the window and transformed to his hawk form, and as he flew he took a ridiculously big dump on a fellow hawk citizen. He died on direct contact; trapped in Pompeii… of crap…

…

The following morning the stalker merchants had received a new order of goods from no one knows where. Receiving barrel after barrel of silver ores, they hacked and melted them onto all the weapons, and sold for ridiculously high prices. Of course… the fact that it was ridiculously expensive triggered something in the entire army, and they all spent their money on as many as they could hold.

"Fools, you're all fools!" cried Soren, stopping the madness and holding the lineup, "can you not see that silver is NOT a metal for weaponry? It's so weak and brittle it would never work! And think of the funds, how are we to buy food and w-"

"Silence! You shall not mock the silver lance!" shouted Geoffrey, who took his lance and poked at Soren until he hid and hissed in a nearby corner.

But before some epic battle of honor and screaming occurred in the base, Ike ran down the mountainside! He was completely exhausted, and his face was grape purple.

"What the hell did you do?" asked Zihark

Ike caught his breath and began, "I ran back to Gallia to get Ragnell cause I left it at the scene where my father died."

"…You RAN… all the way to Gallia and back… just for a sword?!"

"HEY! You won't mock the sword! It's gold and shiny and looks like it's made of waxed cheese!"

"…well where is it?"

"……oh crap…"

Just then a man with a goatee and axe proudly walked into the camp.

"Hey there, little man!" he said with a growl in his tone

"Good Lord!" shouted Ike, "Why aren't you wearing any pants!?!?"

"Buwahaha! When you are one with nature, you can wear whatever you want."

Ironically, he wore a bearskin hood and jacket.

"Anyways, the name's Largo, wo-"

"HAHAHAAHAHAH! YOU SAID.. YOU SAID… HAHAHAHHAAHAH! LAR-D-O! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"…It's not that fu-"

"HAHAHAAHAHAH! HEY BROM, COME OVER HERE!"

Brom waddled down over to see what the hussle was about.

"Hahahaha… ahahah… ha… Brom… this.. hahah… is… Lardo…"

Brom burst into even worse laughter than Ike, spitting all over the place, and his milk from that morning came out of his nose. Devdan stopped by the laughter, and upon hearing 'Lardo' his afro had a seizure and attacked people at random.

"…A-a-anyways, I'm a world class beserker. Watch me bend this lance! GRRRRRRR!"

"Hmm… I wonder how beserk you would be if you touched the medallion at the same-… WAIT HOLD ON THAT'S NOT A LANCE!"

Lardo was actually bending Calill, and ended up snapping her spine into several pieces.

"Oh hey, Calill. Looking hot; almost as hot as me! Buwahahah!"

Ike vomited at the comment, as would anyone.

"You should hire him, he's a world class beserker!"

"Yeah so I heard," Said Ike

"Oh so you ARE the general. Boy, do I feel like the biggest fool around."

"YEAH LIKE HELL YOU SHOULD!" shouted Boyd

So from that point on Largo's name was forever tainted. He was also forced to wear a towel in battle from the shame. So after the group was set, the army ventured on, to climb the mountain!

…

"I just got word that King Gallia is waiting on the other side of the mountain!" said Ranulf

"But look up there!" cried Boyd, pointing to the top

"How could that be? How did those get up there! Do they plan to push those boulders down on us!??"

"…What boulders? I'm talking about the clouds!!!"

One went in front of the sun.

"AAAAAAAH! HAVE MERCY ON ME! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

For the most part everyone didn't listen to Boyd, but Rolf continuously screamed like a girl as he marched.

"Ike, I think it's best that we go around the mountain to avoid casualties" said Soren

"Why would we do that? We're almost at the top!"

"But the bottom is right down there! It's like four stories! We can follow the river just to the other side not too far!" Soren continued to point down, and everyone ignorantly stared at him.

"…God damn it, Soren. We are NOT stepping in water!"

"Yeah, Mist is afraid rancid fish will bite her!"

"And I don't want my armor to rust!" squealed Gatrie

So by majority vote, they all continued to march on! But of course Daein had quite an advantage, and used it to the best of their ability. One by one they head smacked boulders down the mountain side. Everyone's legs gave out, and were immobilized to move! All they could do was scream as giant rocks fell down and crushed the Daein soldiers stupid enough to be in the path one by one. Soon enough it came upon the Crimeans; Boyd continued to scream pathetically, but the boulder did not crush him, instead dematerialized through him. But beyond that, some magical force punched him in the head, just like everyone else. The damage was enough for a simple corrosive vulnerary, and soon the boulders were all gone and everyone charged ahead. Largo stood out like a purple nail, for as being a beserker, he was actually quite scary. For one, he held a giant axe above his head, screamed "LARGO MAAAAAD!" and charged at Daein soldiers, crushing their bodies or hacking in half. Some foolishly hid behind ballistas or remaining boulders, but Largo swung in repeated circles and threw his axes with such might they went through the mountain, still striking his targets, and exploded.

But even with a partially insane guy on their team, the crazy rebel teen captain flew atop the mountain side with an axe connected to batteries. With a simple strike, electricity jolted through his foes, making him a tough match.

The flying units shot straight up and took him on directly. Janaff and Ulki caused a distraction, but were intended on striking down the ballistas. The Pegasus knights annoyingly struck in circles at the wyvern rider, until he pulled his secret weapon; crack. He inhaled and went completely insane, hacking at Haar, and the shock in his bladder caused him to automatically wet himself. Jill and the weirdo sparred like two crazy high teenagers, and the man was superior! But then… Largo stood in his presence. A battle commenced of two psychos, and they both screamed and charged their weapons! The screaming got louder, the charging more immense! Soon Largo jumped in the air, the teens axe glowed vigorously! But then the teen on dope, he forgot what they were fighting about, and got turned into a blood fountain!

…

"So once we climb this last hill, we'll be able to climb down, right?"

"Well you're the one who already did thi-… Ike why did you change your clothes?"

Ike looked down and noticed he was wearing his sweaty, poor ranger outfit.

"Um… I really don't know… must be laundry day or something."

"Up there." Said the princess

"MUAHAHAHAH! Eat rocks, bitch!"

"Oh wow! That is SO clever! I'm writing it down." said Ike

"I know! Ain't it?"

"OOOH YEAAAAH!" they both said simultaneously

So atop the cliff stood five Daein soldiers with three rocks, and as they prepared to smack their heads into the rocks, Tibarn screeched across the sky, and struck all five at once! The many deaths at once caused Ranulf to lose balance! So while Tibarn flew down to meet everyone, he crushed Ike, then transformed.

"TIBARN! You came because of my letter for help!" squealed Reyson

"So that explains it all now does it now, huh, eh, now eh?... Huh?"

"Um… actually I came by other reasons. Leanne, your s- oh I'm sorry Reyson. See, you and Leanne are both so girly I sometimes get you two confused. No offense."

"None taken!"

"Now, Reyson… your sister was captured by Daein soldiers. I fought valiantly and true… but I was preparing for a model premiere… no I mean a war counsil- KILLING SPREE! I WAS PREPARING FOR A KILLING SPREE AND WAS DISTRACTED!"

"Curse you, Daein!" cried Reyson, but his inability to lift his arms above his shoulder height made it seem less dramatic.

…

"Princess Elincia, it is good to see you again" said Caineghis at his laguz camp.

While she just drooled and spat on herself, the rest of the troops made theirselves at home… to a more literal taking.

"IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO, MY LORD!" screamed Lethe

"…Who the hell are you? GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

"AT ONCE, MY LORD!"

Lethe and Mordecai ran out the room, but Muriam wasn't used to Gallian tradition.

"You too, slave!"

"…Slav- AAAAAAAAAH!" so for his lack of responding in shouting, he was struck with several electric prods until he bled and cried. He was tied up and hauled to another room.

"…Mommy?" Tormod asked

"…Well I assume everyone here was at the heart of the last battle" stated Tibarn

"Yes, quite so" answered Ike

"Hey wait a minute!" shouted Boyd, "we did all the fighting… well I mean I did all the fighting. How come I'm not in this meeting?"

"Because nobody loves you."

"Well what about Titania! She didn't even fight!"

Titania fingered him, because that's all she CAN do. Ike stood up to deal with the problem, when Caineghis stuck his hand out.

"Let me handle this, Ike. Me and your father loved to do this. GET THE SLAVE!"

So a bunch of Gallians pulled out a cannon, and Muriam was tied up inside.

"I'm giving you all to the count of one to get out of my sight! ONE!"

And so Muriam was launched straight through the mob and camp in a fiery blaze! Tents burst through, tables and stands were knocked over, people screamed through the chaos as dozens died in the catastrophy!

"…Well if we can JUST get on with this meeting, that'd be great!" said Ike

"Well SURELY the kid and … the ugly thing weren't at the heart of the battle" Tibarn simply stated

"KID?!?" Soren angrily asked

"…You better damn well be talking about Mist…" Oscar threatened.

"Well the kid is my brains, and… I don't know why the ugly thing is here. SOREN! GET IN THE CANNON!"

Oscar knew what was coming so he leapt off his horse and crawled out the tent in record speed.

"…NOW! Before we get this meeting started, I have a story I'd like to share with everyone. But instead of saying it in words, which are really out of date these days, I shall show you… THROUGH INTERPERATED DANCING!"

So Ike danced the many scenes of the stories of his father, his mother's funny death, Ashnard's true intentions, and the medallion. Amazingly, everyone understood it exactly. It only took a couple seconds.

"…And that's everything I know."

"…Well that is really something!" said Tibarn

"The Commander… he didn't really…" Oscar said behind the tent.

"That's just not possible!" Titania said in sigh language.

"Yes… the fact that Ike's parents may be cousins is quite the dilemma, and puts the entire army in jeopardy. Ike… this would probably make story of the year if anyone cared. So what are we to do then?"

"Well I must continue to fight! Ashnard's reign must still stop above all else."

"Like you can even do it!" said Soren, who was still in the cannon

Everyone laughed, because it was still very unlikely Ike could kill someone as mad as Ashnard. A few seconds later, Soren's cannon went off by itself.

"…Well I think this meeting is done!"

Everyone agreed and pretended nothing happened. They all went to bed, preparing for something to happen the next morning. But after all the chaos was resolved AGAIN, Soren finally collided with the ground by going all the way around the world.

* * *


	27. Chapter 26

**HEY! i know it's been actually a very long time since i last posted. No, i did not die because i was playing the new fire emblem as i said i would... in fact i have even played it yet (Caitlin...) and i've also been kinda busy finishing up my semester and then i got christmas break but then i was busy playing final fantasy 12 for awhile and THEN i was browsing through my documents when i saw my fire emblem folder, and wondered what was in it, when i saw this story and was like "I NEVER FINISHED THAT" so here i am, and i'll probably get the rest done very soon, cause there's like 4 more after this. WOW time really does fly by when you make stupid chapters.**

* * *

Chapter 26

Ike awoke as refreshed as a bumblebee just before it got sucked up by a vacuum cleaner. He stretched, washed his hair with his headband still on, and was surprised as Rhys ran into the tent.

"IKE! YOU MUST COME OUT SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED!"

"REALLY? Is it like… No Pants Day?"

"BETTER!!!"

Rhys tried to pull on Ike's muscular arm, and when Ike felt sorry for Rhys' attempt he walked out with him still tugging. Outside the tent the princess stood wearing silver armor.

"I'm gonna fiiEEEght with you!" she…kinda said

"…This is the surprise? I thought you said it was better than No Pants Day!"

Rhys struggled to think of a response, then walked away like nothing happened.

"…So your three ass wipes agree to letting you fight now?"

"Indeed!" Geoffrey shouted, "while I do fear for her safety, I… can't resist it when she asks me to do something."

Right after he lustfully looked at Lucia's chest…………

"Ah how thou shineth brilliantly; how she even shame the sun!"

Boyd snuck up and smashed his hammer in the back of Bastion's head, then ran away before anyone saw.

"As much as this is probably a bad idea, I think this is for the best! After all, if it wasn't, I'd have a bad feeling about this, right? We're risking a kingdom with this vegetable so what the hell!"

After Lucia's comment which Ike didn't understand, he smiled and agreed with them.

"Okay! Let's go risk this vegetable!"

Everyone raised their arms and cheered, then charged into battle!

…

"Oh wait a minute we don't even know where we're supposed to be fighting this battle!" commented Oscar

"Ah touché. Then let's look at Soren's map!"

So Soren unfolded it, then remembered he never erased the drawing of him killing all the mercenaries, so he covered it like usual as everyone paid attention to the mountain range.

"So we are somewhere… here… Now we either have to take a castle or a fort… which is more pleasing?"

"I'll take the castle!" Tibarn said, "I am confident enough my muscles will seize victory!"

"Well jolly gee I guess we got off lucky taking a fort!"

Everyone raised their arms and cheered some more, then Boyd somehow got everyone to sing koom-bi-ya.

…

"There be the fort we be seizing!" Geoffrey pointed out

"Soren! Tell me of the commander!"

"His name is Uncle Bertram. No relation. It is rumored he is not a being but a whole bunch of floating armor."

"Kinda like Ring Wraiths?"

"Yeah exactly."

"Sweet."

"He also carries a sword that absorbs energy."

"Meaning?"

"He needs to get laid." **(A/N: Oh just for the record, there is NO light bow, but the light weapon is just the runesword. So… I don't know how a stupid rumor like that got started, but I know my stuff!)**

"Alright then we all know what must be done! Since this is such a large field, we need to move fast before we're surrounded! So remember y'all, run like the day Soren finally gets some muscle mass and his promise to get revenge on all of us is fulfilled!!!"

Everyone listened and screamed like so, almost fearing the Daein soldiers, but they still charged like they were told. The lancers and laguz ran west to deal with the swordfighters, the axemen and swordwielders ran straight for the castle to deal with the army of warriors, and the riders and archers ran north to fight off the paladins and wyvern lords.

Meanwhile Uncle Bertram breathed heavily, and a soldier walked up to ask a question.

"Uncle Bertram, the Crimeans are proceeding. How are we to act?"

"-snort- kill them all… turn the place into… -snort- a lake of BLOOD…?"

"Yeah… We'll get right on that… _**Fag**_."

So while the Crimeans continued their venture for the fort, the princess squealed as she rode her Pegasus past the soldiers like an excited child.

"Hahah look at her fail to- OH MY GOD! ELINCIA! PULL BACK BEFORE YOU-"

But it was too late and soldier manning the heat-seeking missile launcher fired at the princess, and an explosion burst where she stood; a star-shaped patch of soot was on the ground, and an impression of the Pegasus left over in the middle. There was nothing there, but after a couple seconds the bones of the Pegasus scattered across the ground.

"Where be the princess then?" wondered Ike

"SHE'S MAKING DISTANCE!" screamed Janaff, who pointed high in the sky. Everyone looked and saw a small sparkling dot; moving very fast miles in the air.

"Is it a record?!?!?" screamed Kieran

"I'M CHECKING!!" Boyd cried while at a desk with multiple measuring devices moving at incredible speeds. Suddenly the princess moved farther down into the horizon, as gravity finally took it's calling. Everyone's heads slowly moved down as they watched, and as she fell deep in the forest, Boyd through off his earphones and screamed, "IT'S A RECORD!"

Everyone went crazy, throwing their pants in the air, and Ike felt funny. But the battle was still going, and Uncle Bertram had to be dealt with.

"I've come to slay you, bitch!"

"Good… let the hate flow THROUGH you…"

"AAAH! THE PITCH BURNS MY EARS!!"

"…No it doesn't… -snort-"

"THE RING WRAITH CRY! QUICK WE MUST KILL IT WITH PURITY AND HOLINESS!"

"Or I snipe it in the head!" And Rolf did so, making a much better example than Ike with soiled… oh wait he's not wearing pants…

…

"Tibarn has returned!" cried Ulki, overlooking the fort as the sun began to set

"How was your massacre, Tibi?"

"Not too good. I did slay a large number of Daeinisians, but suddenly this man encased entirely in black armor came out and took on an entire unit by himself!"

"An entire unit, well that's not very impressive, all of US can do that! And wait… but… you were the only one that was there…."

"Oh… uh well this shiny person came out of nowhere and landed on him, so I was able to make my escape. And…"

Everyone eagerly stared at Tibarn.

"I…I think that was the villain you described. What was his name again… The Black Knight?"

"THE BLACK KNIGHT!! HE'S HERE! AAAAH! FIND AND KILL HIM!"

Everyone screamed bloody murder, and found Brom alone in his room playing with his sword (A/N: Not THAT one) and as a result beat him until blood came out, which was a very long time

* * *


	28. The Black Knight Battle in 3D

**Aah... not many more chapters now! So sad how the story is almost over.**

* * *

The Black Knight Battle… in 3-D

Slowly the sun sank behind the mountains to the east, and Ike could think of nothing but sweet… sweet victory. Although he lost so horribly and humiliating the other three times, he just knew this time would be different. A chill went down his spine; and it wasn't Boyd putting Ike's hand in warm water, believe it or not, but Ike was… wetting himself as of that moment!

"AAAAAAAAH!" screamed Soren, who jumped on Ike

"What do you want...?"

"Ike, I'm depressed!"

"... Is... that a news flash?"

"I'm not accepted anywhere! And it all began since I was a child!"

"Dont... care."

"I remember being beaten and abused, sold, made a slave!"

"Somebody please shoot one of us!!!"

" And then came a time that I discovered what i really was... it was... no... I can't tell you!"

"Good. I don't care!"

"..."

"..."

"...Y-You're supposed to ask what I am."

Ike said nothing still.

"...'Say Soren what's wrong!' Why I'll tell you Ike! I'm branded! 'Well gee Soren what's that mean!' Well it means I'm a disgrace to mankind!"

"SOREN GOD DAMN IT I DON'T CARE!!!!"

"...Y-you don't?..."

"YEAH I DON'T!"

Soren started crying. But... they were happy tears.

"Oh Ike... you're my only friend in the whole world, you know."

"Yeah yeah." Ike muttered while switching his pants with Zihark's spare ones, Ike marched outside, banged his head on a lantern, then woke up about 87 seconds later, to see everyone was about to leave to sieze that castle.

"And I shall lead!" Ike screamed pointing up to the sky

"…Um…n-nobody said anything… Ike…" Oscar said

"Damn! One of these days… I'll be able to tell the difference between real people and my imagination… AAAAAAH! KILL IT!!!" and Ike swung his sword at Haar's head.

"Oh sorry, mister. I thought your head was a disgrace to mankind... oh I'm sorry that was offensive... I thought your head was Soren's."

Normally everyone would point and laugh, but there comes a point where funny soon becomes attractive…

"C-c-an we go now? I'm afraid! And I feel funny!!" said Rolf

So everyone shouted 'Yay!' as they lifted their arms, and then just left.

…

"The Black Knight, so am I to understand you want to be alone in this room with that laguz and not to be disturbed!" said some weird guy with a big lance.

"That is correct."

"OOOH yEAAAH!" and then the halberdier randomly starts dancing and shaking his junk, then stabbing a nearby soldier repeatedly in the ass until he fell to the ground hugging it.

"MY ASS IS BLEEDING!"

"That may be, but now you know you've been conquered by… ME!"

So he starts chasing some more of his comrades around, and The Black Knight sighes, pulls out some malt liquor and opens a small hole in the top of his helmet to pour it in. After swallowing it whole, he marches back into the grand room, and locks the door.

Why is this relevant? I have no god damn idea.

…

Just as the echoes of the last screaming soldier passed, the Crimeans ran into the castle. It was barely a castle, considering it had like six rooms in total.

"How do we proceed?" asked Soren

"We hit them from the front. Fast and hard."

"OOOH yEAAAH!" screamed Kieran **(A/N: Oh maybe I do know why)** who got off his horse and started dancing in front of Makalov.

"You're such a faggot!" and he slapped Kieran silly, admiring him at the same time.

"To battle! And if anyone sees The Black Knight, remember to scream real loud so I can run and kill him myself!"

"Okay!" said Mia

And so the army split off into many each direction screaming like they usually do. A couple of warriors and generals tried to hoard the raids, but they got charged so fast their bodies were ripped from their legs and down the river of idiots; the legs stood where they were. Two thieves ran down one hallway hoping to reach a treasure room. But then out of nowhere Muriam pounced on one from out of nowhere, with Tormod screaming and throwing fiery waves everywhere.

"FEAR THE ULTIMATE SAGE!" he cried as he vaporized the second thief.

And so it would seem that everyone missed Tormod discovering his true potential, and despite the stupid brat everyone found him, he was scary indeed… scarier than Soren, who took this as a threat!

The army ran up the stairs and up to a door. They suspected a trap, so they sent the ugliest person to break it down just in case. But I'm not telling you who it was…

…oh fine it was Ulki. Surprised? Shouldn't be. So Ulki poked his beak repeatedly where a bunch more generals and mages were waiting. Ike charged through the small opening and slayed the few generals along with his allies, but then the mages summoned a most horrible spell. Striking the leader to prove their dominance, lightning spun around Ike, creating a cage. Ike just stood their oblivious, trying to eat his hand. The cage soon enveloped at a faster rate, summoning a plasmic sphere right above Ike. Ike quickly noticed so, took one step back, and the cage and sphere collided right in front of him. It was…… sad, how he so easily dodged it, and the mage got crushed by Brom's fat ass!

Oh but it was not over, some halberdiers tried doing some stuff, so Largo threw his short axe with such precision the axe ran straight through eight soldier's heads. He was awarded a medal, and Boyd kicked him in the balls to prove his remaining dominance.

But now all that was left was that faggot halberdier. Makalov came in for the kill!

"Look over there!" the guy shouted

Makalov turned the horse around, and got four straight pokes in the ass; each time that guy shouted "YEAH!" Makalov fell off his horse, crying. Mainly because his ass was bleeding and… he likes those…

But then Kieran ran in, awed by the might of that lance

"…WOW! I would TOTALLY switch to lances just because of that performance… BUT I still like what I can do better!"

Kieran whistled, and his stallion jumped onto the guy's back, and tried to hump him. Kieran whipped the guy with his axe, until he fell and got crushed by the horse's weight. Kieran danced some more, and Boyd ran up and swung his axe at the horse's balls. It probably died.

"The one I seek is behind these doors! Don't follow me! I must fight this battle alone!"

Ike runs into the dark chamber, and Soren chased him.

"Ike! I'm coming too!"

"No, Soren, you must understand that Ike must fight this battle alone. You see, he must gain vengeance for all The Black Knight did those many many days ago. If he does not do this, then he will forever be a pussy, and we will all laugh everyday and say 'Hey pussy!' everytime we see him, and will keep doing so until he commits suicide. THEN we won't have an idiot for a commander and all will be well…" Titania said in sign language.

"…I still don't like this. What if something happens to him?"

"Well then we still won't have an idiot for a commander!" Gatrie pointed out

"Ah yes… then my time will come soon…" Soren muttered. Of course like… six other people were thinking the same thing, and they all laughed. Everyone else confused just laughed too…

…

Oh yeah The Black Knight battle is going to be next chapter, I decided. I wanted to see how many people I would piss off, and how many of my adoring fans eagerly wait 24/7 for my chapters to update. HURRAY FOR ME! Now I shall waste room so that when you opened the chapter it appears of normal length so you won't suspect this.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

I like mustard. I like mustard.

That's probably good enough. YAY!


	29. Damn those Laguz

**Awww i gots no reviews this hour or something. I suppose everyone's sleeping. Oh well that's two chapters down so be happy.**

* * *

Damn those Laguz

The Black Knight steadily stood in a large room with decorative windows and walls. Ena stood in front of him, calmly awaiting her execution.

"Do you not even attempt to fight me?"

"I do not dare match your strength."

"How very asinine. But I don't really care. Before I cut you in two pieces, are there any last words?"

"…If you see Nasir, tell him Ena was sorry."

The Black Knight snickered.

"Yeah… I'll do so if I remember. Now… rest in peace, bitch!"

Just then Ike ran into the room, but was too late to stop the sword from slashing the dragon.

"Turn around and face me, dick!"

"My my. Your luck really sucks ass."

"Did you kill her?!?"

"…No. It seems she still lives… somehow."

"Maybe you're getting old!"

"Bite me!"

"OKAY!"

"Oh god damn it… I hope you at least have the brain capacity to remember bringing Ragnell."

"Of course! I have it RIGHT here!" Ike smirked, struggling to hold it high.

"…It… looks clean… um… have you even used it all?"

"…No?..."

"…Wow…… and you'd think that you can't get any stupider, then you surprise everyone."

"Yeah? Well… bite me!"

"Oh you just stole that from me!"

"NO IT'S A LIE!!!"

"Can't we just fight already!"

"Gladly!"

And Ike held Ragnell to the side, as he ran straight for The Black Knight! Swinging upwards, The Black Knight easily deflected with a horizontal slash. Ike struggled to keep the silver sword from cutting his neck off. Why Aldonite was so close that Ike bit into the sword to see what it tasted like!

"PARMESAN!" and Ike ducked, did an unnecessary backflip, and jumped high in the air for another slice, but still failed.

"…You prove not as stupid as the other times… But let's make this fight interesting. How about a… game of wits…"

"I like those!!!"

YOU CAN PLAY AT HOME IF YOU WANT!

"Well then… QUICK! What's the formula for AS!"

"…Formula for ass?"

And Ike got a face full of red laser cheese.

"Quite simply it's SP (ATK – WT), but if ATK – WT is a positive number then it does not apply!"

Ike struggled to think of a question. Then got the perfect one!

"What… is the maximum HP anyone can have!"

"…………………80!!!!!" The Black Knight shouted in complete shock of Ike's stupidity, shooting an even stronger laser!

"How do you determine if one can attack twice?"

"If the screen says so!!!!"

"FOOL! If a character's AS is four more than their foes. But it is much easier to determine so in your head by using detailed battle information than simple!"

**( A/N: It's true! I use detailed all the time cause I can THINK! And whenever I go to someone's house and they use simple, I get confused cause my logic sinks in, and I laugh at them for not thinking! Of course I've… only really been to one person's house who plays the game… but I DO know other people whom I have not met who DO! Cause actually it's much easier to use detailed if you want to know the best way to use your turn; that way the AS of each of your characters sink in so you don't have to constantly compare attacks to see where the 2x appears.)**

Ike slowly stood up with after having like two concussions.

"What is… the maximum HP a LAGUZ CAN HAVE!!!!"

"…I'm not even going to answer because you deserve this swing too much!"

Ike flew across the room, coughing his blood. But just then Oscar raced into the room.

"Oh um hey Ike. Mist really wanted to help and all, so…"

"NEIGH!"

"Ah, now I can destroy the whole family tree!"

"Um I'm not part of the family-" Oscar tried to say, but then two bishops and a halberdier ran into the room as well.

"They threaten The Black Knight!... Kinda!"

"Do not interfere, I don't need assistance against queers like these."

"Then um… GO AFTER THAT UGLY THING!"

"You better GOD DAMN WELL be talking about Mist!" Oscar cried, preparing his lance

"…Face the power of Light!" said one priest as a magic ball appeared above his head.

"Well this shouldn't be hard, I mean how the hell does light hur-"

But then the light struck at Oscar's face, who fell off Mist in a seizure.

"ALL I SEE IS A HORRIBLE RAINBOW!!!"

"It is over, Ike!" said The Black Knight

"I will NEVER give up. I just gotta know how you do that laser thing!"

"…You just swing the sword at nothing."

"Ahh I see…"

Ike did so, but the charge of blew light didn't fall off the tip of his blade.

"NO! You're supposed to actually HAVE a target! Now if you don't release it, it will grow so massive it will explode all over you!"

"AAAH! SCARY!"

Ike swung at a window as the charge was about nine times bigger than it should be. It deflected off the window, off the throne, off another window, off a column, off Oscar's bare ass, and made a direct course for The Black Knight's head. Upon impact, he was completely set ablazed, and fell over barely alive.

"…Ow…why did I help you… was it some clever plan all along?..."

No. But Ike did a victory dance, then stood before the defeated General.

"And NOW, it is time to see who the man behind the helm has been all along!"

Ike took off the helmet, smiling at first, but his face quickly changed to complete shock.

"Oh um… hey there, Ike."

"FATHER!!!!!!!"

"Yeah that's me."

"YOU'RE THE BLACK KNIGHT!!!!"

"Yeah pretty much."

"HOW!!!! HE KILLED YOU!!!!!"

"Well that is quite a story, you see-"

But before the commander could finish, Nasir ran into the room, and stood beside Ike.

"Stand back, Ike! I must finish what must be done!"

He transformed into a mighty white dragon!

"No Nasir wait you don't understand!"

Nasir inhaled

"NASIR DON'T DO IT!!!!"

But it was too late. A blazing white flame engulfed the commander whole. Ike stared in shock, Mist turned her head as she cried, and Oscar had no idea what the hell was going on.

When it was all over nothing remained where the commander was; just a thin pile of smoking ash.

"…The Black Knight… has fallen?" the Daein soldier tried to say.

"I suppose so."

"You… YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS! NOW! ACTIVATE THE TRAP!"

Suddenly the whole castle shook violently!

"IKE! GET OUT OF HERE!" shouted Nasir

"COME ON OSCAR!" shouted Ike, and they made an escape.

"What about us!" said a priest

"Well…" thought Ike, "…do you have any friends outside the casle?"

"No."

"Then… have a nice death!"

"Oh…" the three moaned.

Just then Ena stood up with not a scratch on her.

"Letsa getta outta here…a."

So the two dragons ran outside, and soon the castle completely collapsed. It was actually a pretty lame collapse, because from how everyone saw it, it was just paused pictures shaking. But soon it was all over, and a cloud from the rubble blew across the land. It was over.

…

"Mother… Father… I killed him… Well sort of…"

"Ike you did it!" screamed Oscar

"Yes… but all I did was prove Father's strength. You see I was never better than Father, I just had to show his true skill since I was his son… an act of vengeance… that was all…"

"…The hell you talking about!"

"I have NO idea! I love you all!"

And so all the Greil Mercenaries gathered around Ike and had one big group hug. Mia got pushed out, and Rolf started humping Ike's leg.

…

"How is she?" Ike asked later that evening.

"She appears to be fine, and should regain consciousness tomorrow. She just needs rest. Also, why the hell did you help a traitor, Ike?"

"Well I never really thought of you as a traitor. You were such a pussy not to fight with us I didn't think you were capable of much harm."

"I…see…"

"Yeppers. But I must ensure you don't do something so stupid like kill my father again. SO what are you willing to do for me?"

"I'll… lick your armpits."

"No, I want something MORE! Fight with us and I'll forget any of this ever happened."

"…I WANTED YOU TO SEE MY SKILLS BY KILLING HIM! NOW I'LL KILL YOU!"

"HAHAH oh Nasir you're so funn- AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!"

…

"Hey… I'm really sorry for stuff my arm you're your ass… and then transforming, Ike."

Ike just laid on his cot, staring at the wall, and still in pain.

"Well… I'll leave you alone…"

Ike continued to stare, and soon Makalov slowly slid into the tent.

"…Now you're one of us……" and he slid back out without a sound…

* * *


End file.
